Facing myself. I might just be angry enough to do this.

If I hit post, I guess I'm angry enough.

I've avoided gay people my whole life. I'm in my 40s.

I've had problems being around some of my male friends. Enough to label them as "problematic friends" and gauge whether I'd feel ok being around them or not before getting together with them. Sometimes the thought of being in the room with them was too uncomfortable and I'd isolate.

Often when getting together with them I'm withdrawn. I don't want to be touched. I don't like physical contact with men. It makes me uncomfortable. Especially hands bumping into each other. That feels really uncomfortable. I've had a few times where things got awkward because I couldn't control myself and grabbed a hand when they bumped.

There are a few friends I've cut out of my life over these 'uncomfortable' feelings.

I have had the desire to kiss some of my friends. I've rationalized that in a couple ways too.

I often think of myself as a gay man, but talk myself out of it. I've never had a fantasy about a man. I don't get erections thinking about men. I like boobs.

But there are many days that I stare at the sidewalk instead of looking at men. Or I choose to focus on women.

There are quite a few times I've had embarrassing reactions while talking to men. Feeling really attracted and kind of smitten. I worry that he or others in the room noticed, but they don't seem to, so I talk myself out of it.

I've tried to admit these feelings of attraction several times in the past. I even saw a gay counselor who helps people figure themselves out about 18 years ago. But I was so closeted I spent months of sessions talking about unresolved feelings over the death of my mom, my confused feelings towards women. I never talked about men.


Tonight I hurt someone. I confused someone with my confusion. It's someone I used to date. She was the first person outside of therapy I ever told I had sexual orientation questions. She has tried to help me even as she deals with the loss of our relationship. I let my pain and confusion about losing that relationship, along with my fear that changing my life will be too hard, spill out in anger at her. I can't do that anymore.

I can't talk carefully anymore with women to make sure I'm being 'honest'. Changing my thoughts as I have them about what I want.

I went out with a really attractive woman I met on an airplane years ago. We were in her hot tub (clothed) and her brother got in. I could barely control myself I was so attracted. I was going mental trying to explain away the feelings. I had very unsatisfying and confusing sex with her that night and things ended quickly after.

I don't have those types of reactions to women. I can get myself excited thinking about them, but the orgasm is hard to get to and unsatisfying. Sex with women in real life is a shitshow and always leads pretty quickly to a breakup. A confusing breakup because I'm acting like nothing's wrong, while the feelings of wrongness build and build. And then I hit a point where the wrongness is too much. Usually because she's starting to get involved. I'm not. I'm thinking I just need to keep going a little longer to figure myself out. Then this will work. I just need to get past my abandonment issues or sexual shame issues or whatever issues.
But I never look at the possibility I'm dating the wrong gender. That's taboo. That's too weird. That's too shameful and scary. I don't want to be a freak so I ignore, isolate, rationalize.

I need to allow myself to feel attracted to men.
I need to allow myself to fantasize about men.
I need to meet gay men and start a different life.

It's the only way forward. Even if all the rationalizations I've ever thought were true, I'll only discover that by getting gay people in my life.

I'm falling asleep writing this. Partially It's very late. Partially I don't want to face this. Partially I'm really scared about what messages I'll face in the morning from the woman I hurt. But I guess I'm angry enough to hit submit.

 

Thanks WE,

You've posted before to my threads and I appreciate it.

All of this is really moving and changing for me.

Today life surprised me. D surprised me.

She wasn't done with me or angry or frustrated. She was honest about being hurt, but very accepting of everything that makes me me.
Becoming irrational. Getting angry and expressing it last night feels like one of the most important things I've ever done. There's a lot of back story to my life that I've put all over these forums. I had a very hard emotional childhood that caused me to stop feeling anything for years and avoid anything difficult all my life. Where ever I land, gay, straight, bi, trans, I know that what happened last night was profound.
It wasn't just that I got angry either. It's that I admitted for the first time that I was struggling at a fundamental level. That I couldn't take it anymore. That I was so angry I was afraid I'd hurt myself by punching a wall or breaking something. I don't know that I've allowed myself to get to this place before. ...I have. But I've never shared it. Never shared it completely. It's everything. Sex, love, grief, fundamental loss that tears your life apart. And for me sexuality/gender confusion. And people know this now.
This....
This grief, comes from a very deep place of watching my mother die of cancer and having no one that could support me. I've never dealt with her dying. Not really. But I'm connecting to it so deeply. The idea that someone should fall apart. Should lose their sense of up and down, right and wrong. Get so angry you can't control it. Rage. Be irrational. Lash out because nothing makes sense. Cry. Feel responsible for her death. Feel guilt for not saving her. All of this is necessary. I didn't. I stopped. I built a wall so high and wide I can't imagine the edges. I was fine. I kept telling myself I was fine, I'll figure this out later. I didn't miss her. I didn't need her or anyone. I was fine. And no one. Not one goddamn person helped. Noticed. Gave me a hug or a slap or a talk or something that would let me grieve. Let me fall apart. So I've lived a very insulated life. Never letting in anything that could upset me. I couldn't. I fought until i was 35 years old to be able to go to sleep at night and get up in the morning. That's all I had. I couldn't deal with anything that might crack the wall.
Add to that grief, the sexuality/gender questioning, and the loss of the relationship with D that triggers all sorts of big feelings of loss, and I was completely overwhelmed.

So, one of the beautiful things D said was that she was patient. She has faith that I will figure myself out and that we will be what we should be for each other in the end.

So, I'm better today. I'm trying to let my thoughts be. I'm trying to be patient. To just let myself have all the feelings I'm having no matter what they are. The anger is still there, but not very strong.

One thing I'd like to comment on about your mental image. Your ships can also sail side-by-side to new places together. Me and D are doing that as some sort of deeply connected friends. People in relationships aren't necessarily stuck in being safe.

-nsam

 

[snip]
Let the anger pass, and let love in. Love for you and love for others. Then explore and see where you fall. [/snip]

I like this advice. Letting go of control. Letting feelings flow. Letting love steer the boat, as it were.

 

I'm using EC as my online journal these days.

It helps me to know that some of what I experience resonates with others.

I just want to write that my life in the last month has taken so many twists and turns. The love and generousity and understanding of the EC crowd has gotten me through some tough times. Tonight, D got me through a tough time.

This blows me away. I ended up hitting a level of grieving about my mom that required that I talk to someone. I've been grieving a lot, but tonight it hit me hard. I texted D, even after all we've gone through in the last few days, she called. She talked to me. She helped me through it.

I don't feel I deserve her help. I feel I've taken her on an emotional roller coaster that would make most people bitter. And she is kind to me.

She made a comment tonight that resonated. I won't be ready for a relationship until all this grief is resolved. I think it's also the case that I won't understand my sexuality well until I'm through this grief.

She said, "Goodnight my friend. Oh, don't read into that word too much..." at the end of the call.

Tonight, the angst and anger of losing our relationship is gone. I needed a friend and she was there.

-nsam