Hello , I am a 21 year old male and i consider myself straight , i say "I consider" because the past few months,maybe a year, i have been feeling weird , i have been facing social anxiety problems not being able to relate to my male friends like i used too , or anyone else really , depression is being a constant problem for the past 2 years , i have always been a shy person with girls although i always loved them and still love but never really had a stable relationship because I am somewhat complicated emotionaly. I have been having intrusive gay thoughts and i dont like them, when i walk on the street and i notice people, man catch my attention in an automatic motion i am feeling not in control of myself, like any person i can find them good looking but i dont think or feel romantique about them, but the thing is i have been putting this thing on the back of my mind and rationalizing it everytime it keeps coming back. I cant funcion properly on my everyday life i have no social life at the moment, i am so depressed i feel dead , sometimes i think that i have been so shy and lost so many opportunities and messed up with girls so much shit that god or whatever has taken my inner energy and now i need to be a submissive being like women are to get energy , I feel like i am crazy , I was born straight always watched straight porn , when i was a kid i had those room experiences with cousins that i think everybody goes through , but now i dont fucking know where i stand , i have been depressed for 2 years , i feel sick i feel like i dont know my identity , this comes to my mind , can this be denial , how damn deep can denial go ? Emotional pain and distress is killing me to the point that my jaws and my teeth are constantly chewing . Its not like somebody would notice it , I think i am just a sad looking person or atleast not a really full of life person walking on the street who looks isolated from everyone else . What do you think of this ? The text might have been a bit long , thanks for reading !
Hi there! I'm sorry you're feeling so out of sorts - thinking about this kind of thing is mentally draining. It is very possible that it could be denial, as denial can go very deep. But, only you know what is going on inside. When anxiety kicks in full throttle, it's difficult to tell the difference between what is real or not. Are you seeing a professional to deal with the anxiety/depression? I know from my personal experience that once I started getting help for that myself, it was a little easier to see things with more clarity. It is a journey, and you will be ok! Cheers, and welcome
Hi, I felt the same as you a year ago but now I am almost ok, even if still not knowing if I am gay or not. What I suggest to you is definitively to meet a therapist, he or she will be surely helping you getting out of this uncomfortable situation you are going through. Then please try not to isolate yourself, force yourself to go out with friends even if you feel weird, I know it can be difficult but you need to practice your social skills, if your friends tell you that they find you odd you could try to explain them what you are going through or if you do not want find any possible excuse. When you are out try not to test yourself, whatever reaction you have when seeing a male or a woman is ok, do not check yourself, it is of no sense and checking will not bring you to an answer. For the moment put aside the question of being gay, when your mind will be clearer and with less thoughts it will be easier for you to find out. Hope you will feel better
Hi TwisterD, First, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time trying to figure yourself out. Please know that you are not alone. These are difficult things to figure out, and you should be patient with yourself and not try to put pressure on yourself to figure this out any sooner than you are able to. Anxiety and depression are often caused by the inner turmoil of not being true to yourself. Unfortunately, no one here can tell you if you are gay or not. Only you can decide that for yourself. Based upon what you wrote, I would definitely suggest that you see a therapist. A professional therapist can help you to separate these issues and help you process your thinking. Right now, it's kind of a jumbled mess in your head and you can easily go around and around in circles and get nowhere. Are you able to see a therapist? I don't know if you are dependent on parents, have insurance, or other issues related to your ability to access resources with privacy. Is that possible for you?
