I am a 20 year old female, and have been contemplating my sexuality for quite some time now. For as long as I can remember, I have had crushes on guys. I would get nervous when I saw them, would want their attention, and think about them often. As I got older and began forming more sexual relationships, I realized I was not really turned on when with guys. Recently a guy I had a crush on and I hooked up, and while beforehand I was very excited and nervous, when we were making out, I pretty much felt nothing--leaving me very confused. This has happened with the few people I have been most intimate with. I have never had sex, and I wonder if its because the situation has never felt totally right to me. On the other hand, I think I have also had crushes on girls. To me it has always felt like admiration (I would be mesmerized by hair or how they dress etc) but its possible theres more. I have never really thought of girls in the same way I think of guys. I dont think about the romantic things we could do together or obsess over whether they like me. I think about women more sexually. I have read about there being a difference between romantic feelings and sexual ones, and somewhat fear that I am heteroromantic but homosexual. I can't conclude whether I am bisexual (and maybe it takes more time for me to see men sexually after I get to know them) or lesbian, and I fear if I have these two opposing feelings that I will not be able to be satisfied. Additionally, I am ok with bisexuality and being gay, but its hard to accept when its you. I think about this often and it consumes a lot of my thoughts, but in some ways I dont want it to be true. I know that this desire to just be with just guys may be stopping me from being truly happy and comfortable with myself, but I feel like this would be a lot for me to explain and maybe a shock to my friends and family and they would question me or judge me (even though I know I would have all of their support) since I have only every expressed interest in men. I'm very confused, and if anyone has advice on what to do, how to figure it out, anything, it would be greatly appreciated.
Hi, I am in a really similar position to you and can empathise with you a lot. I can't tell you what your orientation is because if I did I could be wrong, and there are so many possibilities about why you're feeling this way. I'm 17 years old, and I don't consider myself an expert on anything I'm about to write but I just hope I can be of any help or comfort at all, as I know I've needed it at times. I recommend doing anything you can to remove the anxiety you might be experiencing. For me, the uncertainty about my sexuality: who I am going to marry, whether my attractions are all lies, and all the other worrisome thoughts; this was the worst part for me! And this confused everything else and makes it so much harder to see yourself clearly. So try and make peace with the uncertainty and normalise same sex relationships as much as you can! Even straight people have uncertainty. Even if you knew your sexuality, you'd probably be worrying about other uncertainties too. I also recommend talking about this with people offline, and finding supportive friends and family because I'm sure there are so many people who will support you! I also recommend therapy, as it can help you process your feelings and make you feel less alone. The most important thing is to follow your heart, and don't do anything that doesn't make you feel comfortable. It is probably going to take a while, but it won't take forever. Try and be gentle yet honest with yourself, because you deserve happiness, whether it's with a man or a woman. In reality, though there are really homophobic misguided people out there (who make me upset and angry) there are so many more accepting people. I see you live in New York? I'm not from the US but if I'm correct NY is one of the most liberal places in the US, so I'm sure no one truly minds about same sex couples so don't worry about people judging you. I understand you must feel really scared and I completely understand that. I'm sure there is someone you can talk to in real life as a support system, maybe at your school? I've struggled with knowing whether my attractions to men were real or not. I think what makes crushes real is how they made your heart feel. Follow your heart, and be yourself. You can be so so happy with a woman, and so so happy with a man so don't let the issue of heteronormativity get to you if it is - you're fabulous whether bi, gay, straight, it's okay. I'm sure some other posters will be able to give you a better analysis of your feelings as I don't think I can do that, but take your time and be kind to yourself because everyone deserves happiness. xxx
Thank you for your kind and understanding words. I plan on talking out with someone I know who has been through a similar situation soon
