Hi, I am a 16 year old male and I just recently have begun to question my sexuality. In the process of trying to determine what my sexual orientation is I stumbled across the term romantic orientation. Now, I may be completely misunderstanding what the difference between romantic and sexual orientation but, I was wondering, is possible to be romantically attracted to those of the opposite sex while being sexually attracted to those of the opposite sex (or vice versa)? If so, is there a name for this? Thank you!
I'm assuming you mean romantically attracted to the opposite sex and sexually attracted to the same sex, but yeah, it is!
Heteroromantic homosexual is the only thing I can think of, but unfortunately it's kind of a mouthful. There might be other terms I don't know about floating around somewhere.
To be clear... there's zero credible evidence or research (nor much of anyone credible who works in the field) to actually support the idea that there is a separation between romantic and sexual orientation. There is a tiny but very vocal group of people who have decided, without anything to support it, that this is the case. The case you describe is very, very common, and what seems to be the case when people talk about "romantic orientation" is a close, deep, emotionally intimate connection with someone that you have no desire to have sex with. And there is, in fact, a name for this... it's called "friendship". Now... many friendships aren't really deep and emotionally intimate, but some are. And many gay men have "fairy princesses" (or "fag hags")... straight women who are wonderful best friends, but for whom the gay guy has no sexual attraction. Think Kurt on Glee. Or Will and Grace. That's very close, emotionally intimate friendship. Finally, everyone, as they're in the process of exploring and understanding themselves, goes through stages in processing the loss of identity as straight. (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). The separation of romantic and sexual identity seems to be a "label du jour" for people in the bargaining stage... "OK, I admit I like guys, but I still like girls romantically." In past years, people used the "bisexual" label in the bargaining phase (which is annoying because people who are really bisexual get doubted because of it) but this new thing seems to be a current trend. For someone who's trying to figure himself out, I think these unrecognized terms can muddy the water, because they can get in the way of fully accepting yourself as gay. (It's also cumbersome because you have to try and explain these unrecognized terms to about 99% of the people you'll run into, because they aren't widely used terms.) Now... all of the above said, if you feel like that label (or any other) fits you, and you connect with it... then by all means, claim it for yourself! Nobody can or should tell you how to label yourself. My purpose in explaining the above is so that people can understand the facts in considering their choices.
Thank you Chip! That was very informative and has given me a lot to think about. To clarify though (just in case I wasn't clear) the issue is more so that I can't imagine a relationship with a man aside from sex although that might be part of what you called the "label du jour". Thank again!
Great info, Chip. I'm actually relieved to learn that sexual/romantic misalignment is largely unsubstantiated and I'll probably do some additional research on it. I thought this conflicting orientation might apply to me, but now I'm starting to think that I simply haven't allowed myself to consider having an intimate same-sex relationship until recently and just need time to adjust.
The separation is possible, but usually It's there because of internalized homophobia. Gay people who cannot accept themselves. We hear social messages all the time that only opposite sex love is true and pure, that getting a boyfriend (as a man) will get you discriminated against, but gay sex can be discreet and hidden. The vast vast majority of gay men (at least 80% in my experience) cannot "imagine a relationship with a man" when they first come out, because they've been socially brainwashed by our messages. Not only do they hear that being gay is wrong, but they are also taught to not be affectionate toward men at all. A lot of the time, seperation of romantic and sexual orientation is due to absorbing social messages and not accepting your sexuality.
maybe you're gay/bisexual or even straight, but this page suggest really cute title for that - curious ;s maybe you're romantically attracted to some specific people, but would like to sexually try something else, so maybe this makes sense ;s
Thanks everybody. I think it might be a little bit of all of that and at this point I'm still trying to get it all sorted out. I appreciate all the support and advice, you all really seem to know what your talk about!
I find that it's mostly the asexual and aromantic communities that use the split sexual and romantic orientation concept because there are people in those groups who don't feel sexual attraction but still want a relationship and vice versa.
I agree with the person above me. I'm asexual and find romantic and sexual orientation to differ greatly. I don't really feel sexual attraction to anyone, but strong romantic attraction to girls. It isn't just friendship for me, but maybe it feels differently to people that aren't asexual or on the asexual spectrum.
