then, i met her. (straight but questioning everything now)

for some reason, it's taking all the guts in the world to post here. i don't know where else to go to discuss this. i had trusted one friend with all this information but suddenly i fear doing it any longer
in short, i'm not sure why i'm posting here. but here's the story. i will change names to initials to make it as anonymous as possible because, if i'm being honest, i'm terrified someone will see this.

in early 2015, i was hired at my job. all was well, i was glad to have a job i didn't hate. i got along quite well with the people i worked with. long story short there was this one supervisor i just clicked with more than anybody else. i enjoyed her sense of humor, her genuine kindness, and her magical ability to be the most unique person i've ever met. i looked forward to shifts where would be together. all the while i didn't think much of it. let's call her A.

the summer of 2015 goes by and i go back to school and transfer to another place of work - just temporarily while i'm at school. i didn't think much of A then, since i have a boyfriend (whom we will call D) and A and I hadn't kept in contact during my school year.
summer 2016 rolls around and i go back to my job where A works. i was thrilled to be back because i couldn't stand the job i had when at school.

(D and I had been having relationship problems throughout the duration of our time together. over time, i felt more damaged and more broken. at one point in our relationship, D had told me he was bisexual. i didn't take well to this at first since i was already incredibly insecure in our relationship. the idea of there being more fish in the sea for him was...hard to deal with. i was supportive but had a very hard time with the thought of letting him experiment. of course, this is before i was in his shoes.)

summer 2016 i fell deeper into my eating disorder than i ever had. i neglected D. i rarely saw him. i would just go to work, lose weight, come home, repeat. but going to work and working with A made me happier than anything at all. she was a temporary fix to my self esteem issues. she inadvertently made me feel amazing. we tease each other. we laugh. it's a battle of wits when we are together. i want nothing more than to hear her life story in full. she's 15 years older then me and everything she is.. just amazes me.

ive never been attracted to women sexually. men, yes but usually i would have to be attracted to their personality first. i currently identify myself as panromantic demisexual, but over the summer i truly had no idea what i was. i saw A as a friend, who i wanted to be my companion but i couldn't view her sexually. it just wasn't my nature.

in august '16, we started talking to each other outside of work. not a day has gone by since where we haven't messaged each other. she even started using a cell phone to talk to me more often.
fast forward to the end of summer. i was heartbroken because i had to go to back to school and leave A. so... i made sure to drive home to visit her at our job every week. sometimes twice a week. and i'd stay for hours. we'd sometimes go out together to restaurants. not a day goes by where i don't talk to her or think about her. and quite honestly it's gotten ... pretty confusing for me?

i am my happiest around her. no one makes me feel quite as good as she does. she literally lights up my world hahahah. all the while, my feelings toward her and making me feel more and more distant from D. i know what you're thinking - it's unfair to him. and it is. and i need to sort myself out so i don't hurt anyone.

i'm not sure of A's sexuality. she never talks about it. she never mentions any past relationship history, men nor women. we talk about how much we love each other all the time, she calls me beautiful :icon_redf and i jokingly ask her to marry me like... every time i see her. she says no, but then says we can when i graduate college lol and i think i'm joking?? i think?

it's become very obvious. i think she knows how i feel but i can't tell her for real. first of all, it's wrong for me to hurt anyone, especially D. plus i might just be going through a phase since she's the only woman i've ever felt this way towards. i also am unsure that it would ever work out because of the age difference .. and me not even being sure of my sexuality nor hers. if anything i've become a lot more accepting of D's orientation (trust me i feel absolutely terrible for reacting the way i did to him). but now i'm at a loss. i cant even say i'm sure why i'm posting here. i wish i could include more detail to get an accurate, objective piece of advice. i think i'm wondering if she feels the same. i think i'm wondering what my sexuality is.

i don't even know why i'm posting. i just need to clear my mind

:dry:

 

hi thanks for responding! my connection with A is very deep and we definitely love each other at least platonically. however where sexuality lies... I could have sex with her if we were together. I could be attracted to her. but sexual attraction has never been primary attraction for me, not even with men. I always need to get to know them first, develop a bond.. and then the sexual attraction comes. with A, I've recently started to feel this way. i think maybe i was a bit more hesitant to admit it to myself since this will be the first time. i guess i could definitely say if i'm bisexual i'm heterosexual leaning. A is also not feminine at all, and D is rather feminine for a male. I never have been attracted to any other women like this because i've never had an emotional attraction to a woman before, but i could see myself being romantically involved with a more masculine woman? does that make sense?

and actually, i first had attraction to A before D told me about his sexuality. it was a slight attraction that built up this year when she and i became closer. but now i'm at a point where i feel a more deep emotional connection with A rather than D :/ I really do admire A. she's definitely everything i'm attracted to in a person emotionally, at least