Hello, all. This is my first post on Empty Closets, and I'm so relieved to have discovered this online community at such a pivotal point in my life. I thought I was straight for so long. Had crushes on many boys as a pre-teen, fell head over heels in love with a boy when I was in high school, and from age 18 to 28, I had a series of committed relationships with men and was even engaged for a while. At 14, I thought I had a crush on a female classmate and was completely terrified. When I sought consolation from my conservative parents, they assumed it was merely a phobia and reassured me that I was heterosexual because I had always liked boys. It wasn't until I was 25 that I began to acknowledge an attraction to the female body in general. I suspected I had actually always been bisexual, but I was engaged to a man and wanted to live as a heterosexual, so I didn't give it too much thought because I didn't think it mattered. A couple months ago, when a family member came out to me as bisexual, I started - for perhaps the first time ever - to give serious thought to my own identity. Initially, I placed myself at "2" on the Kinsey scale. But the more I reflected on my feelings and experiences over the years, I remembered trying to convince myself that I was physically attracted to the men I was dating, and when the relationships ended, I attributed my lack of attraction to not having found the right guy. And even when i thought them to be particularly attractive, the sexual attraction was limited on my part (unless I had been drinking) and I often felt like I was forcing myself to enjoy sexual activity involving the male genitalia. At the time, I attributed this to (1) low libido resulting from medication and (2) being a female and thus caring more about emotional and romantic connection over sexual satisfaction (because I had always believed this to be the norm). Having made the decision to be single for the time being, I can now finally admit to myself that I do not feel like I am sexually attracted to the male form, but I am incredibly confused by this because of my physical/aesthetic and emotional attraction to men over the years and being in love, as well as all the pre-teen and adolescent crushes I had on boys back in the day. And while I do feel sexually attracted to the female form and have been infatuated with a few of my friends over the years (though at the time I convinced myself that I just really really wanted to be their friend), I have never had an emotional connection of a romantic nature with a woman, and it feels odd to me when i try to imagine what it might be like. Whereas I was afraid of being gay when I was 14, now I'm almost afraid of NOT being gay, like it's all in my head and I'm overthinking it. But I also figure that I wouldn't be feeling these things in the first place if I were truly straight. I'm going to be 30 this year and I feel like I should have had this all figured out quite some time ago, which exacerbates my confusion. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist who specializes in sexual orientation issues, but that's still a couple weeks away. Any thoughts/advice? This post was so much longer than I intended. Thanks for reading
First, welcome to EC! Second, wow. I think you are me. I am also going to be 30 this year, and am in the same boat. I started questioning a couple of years ago, after I asked myself wtf is going on, every relationship I have ever been in I have went running for the hills after the initial infatuation wore off. Like every little thing about guys are a turn off for me, and my whole life I attributed it to me being really picky, or tightly wound. I always assumed that since I'm so much more at ease around women, it was because there was no pressure to date them. I figured that I was always tense around guys because of performance anxiety maybe? Lol. But after much introspection and going over feelings and thoughts I've had throughout my life, things started to click after acknowledging same sex sexual attraction. I wasn't ready to face it at the time, and suffered through a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Now I'm at a point where my desire to live authentically is kicking and screaming it's way out of the heterosexual life I always had planned for myself. The lack of emotional/romantic attraction to women I can relate, and from browsing around the forums and thinking about this quite a bit, it could be that we have been subconsciously not letting it happen. You mentioned conservative parents, perhaps their influence may have had an effect on that. I know for myself, I never wanted to be different, and while I wouldn't consider my external environment homophobic, it was known that gay was different (sounds contradictory). So it was something I never ever wanted to happen to me and tried to avoid. As long as I said I was straight I was straight, right?! But I have been finding the more I relax into it and accept it, the though of the romantic and emotional attraction doesn't seem so foreign anymore. But it is a journey and a process. It's great that you're going to see a therapist, they can help put a lot into perspective! And this is a great community here. Best of luck to you! (!)
Hi, welcome to Empty Closets! Personally, I believe that sexual orientation is not as black and white as some people are made to believe. We are all different people, like snowflakes, and no two snowflakes are alike. The process of coming out or to terms with ones own sexual orientation is different for every person. There is no time frame. I just wanted to point this out--when I was in high school, I used to force myself to have crushes on guys. It was the normal thing to do, so when anyone would ask who I had a crush on, I could list off a couple of guys no problem. I think I even convinced myself that I did like them. Even though my heart would race and I would become a bumbling fool when I had this massive crush on two girls, but I as well attributed that to wanting to be their friend and nothing more. In College, I had two dates with two different guys, and attributed my lack of interest into them not being the one. When I finally accepted that I was gay, I met someone...and I had an internal crisis days before meeting her in person, feeling odd about going on a date with this girl. I grew up one way: men date women, women date men and that's it. And here I was going on a date with a woman as a woman. It was a shock, and I wasn't sure if I should be doing this (self hatred/raised homophobia played a part). But once I went on the date, the weirdest thing happened: the self doubts disappeared. I no longer felt odd about dating women, and everything just kind of clicked into place. It was like the most natural thing to happen, and when I reflected back on my dates with the two guys I went on, I realized how much I was forcing myself subconsciously to like it. Again, no two situations are alike, but being brought up one way can affect how you perceive something. I just wanted to point out that I too felt odd about dating women before I actually went on a date. Best of luck!
Thank you both so much for your thoughts and encouragement. Pj sparkles, yes, I believe we are long-lost twins. It sounds like your experience has been nearly identical to mine, the only exception being my habitual insistence upon trying to make relationships work when they really just needed to end. Exactly. I was never surrounded by blatant homophobia either, but rather a lack of understanding on the part of my family and friends resulting in the idea of homosexuality as "other." I get what you mean when you say it sounds contradictory, and perhaps there was some degree of homophobia going on, but I am incredibly fortunate to be in a position where I know my family would still love and accept me if I ever came out - in fact, they reassured me of this back when I was 14 and completely distraught over the possibility of being gay. I know that not everyone has a supportive family and my heart breaks for them. I think you're right though - for many of us, a reliable support system probably isn't enough to inspire us to live authentically right off the bat. I've been thinking a lot about the impact a heteronormative culture can have on one's self-perception and how deeply engrained the desire for the traditional "happily ever after" can really be. Even as a devoted feminist who is questioning her sexuality, I cannot deny loving the idea of being swept off my feet by a handsome man who can protect me from harm as we walk down the street together. I mean how contradictory and hypocritical does that sound?! But maybe it's just that: an idea. Because in reality I want a true partner who acknowledges my inherent strength and independence. And while a relationship should not, in my opinion, be based entirely on sexual intimacy, that dimension of compatibility is important for longevity, so honesty with oneself is crucial - and probably outweighs the lingering fairy tale fantasies. And like you, I'm at the point where being true to myself is of the highest priority, even if it means being a little bit different. Yay for authenticity!! (!) Sawyer, thank you for your reassurance. Better late than never, right? :icon_bigg This makes a lot of sense, and I really hope that I would have a similar experience if I started dating women. It must have felt like such a relief when you were finally able to be yourself and stop forcing feelings that weren't there. Before you went on your first date with her, were you afraid that it would feel platonic? Like you would just be hanging out with a friend? To expand on what I said in my original post about being afraid of NOT being gay at this point, I have an OCD-style fear of going out with women and not feeling anything, thinking at that point that I might really be straight but then remember that I'm not all that sexually attracted to men, and then realize I'm asexual and be completely frustrated with the whole thing. So much anxiety. Adulting is hard.
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There are so many feelings going on a date no matter what gender you are dating I think. Like will they like me? Will I like them? Will this lead into something romantic or just friendship. But to address your question, I was afraid that I might not be gay before going on the date. I mean, I had no real experience with a woman (and to this date, the only thing I have done was made out with a girl), so I did have those feelings that my mind was playing tricks on me. At some point, before I even entertained the idea of being gay, I thought I was asexual because I just had no physical desire to be with men. I was never more nervous in my life. But, when I met her, everything just clicked. That I knew from that moment when we were at the bar talking that this is what I wanted and what was missing from my dates with guys. I saw something more in her, and I wanted to continue to see her more. And, luckily, she felt the same about me. Basically, going on that date it affirmed that I was indeed gay, and not asexual or straight. There was no more confusion for me after that. Like I said, it is different for everyone. What works for some, might not work for others. And whether you are gay, or bi, or straight or asexual, or fluid, or anything on the large spectrum of sexuality, when you have your 'aha' moment, everything will make sense. But again, there is no time frame for that. And, all I am saying, is that once you become comfortable and you feel like exploring a date with someone of the same sex, if that's not who you are, that's okay. If that's not something you can see yourself in long term, that's okay. I've had my share of dates with gay women that have been a 1 and done. My most recent date ended up us just being platonic friends (which I don't mind because I need more queer friends because I have none). You don't owe anybody anything, and a first date is just getting to know the person anyways. I hope that made sense. And I understand your frustration and anxiety. But I think worrying about putting a label on something you are trying to figure out hinders the chance of you figuring yourself out. I was given the label of straight for most of my life, and thought that was it. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's, and away from my parents and the people who had given me that label, was I able to take it off and see if I was either asexual or gay. Now I can comfortably say I am gay/lesbian...but that's a label I gave myself. It's okay to be confused, undecided, unsure--whatever. Worrying about whether you are something or not something isolates yourself from being open with yourself. (*hug*)
Ah, good to know. Thanks! Looks like it has already been taken care of. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm looking forward to the "aha" moment - whatever form it may take - and even though I'm a worrier by nature, I think I might try to embrace the whole self-discovery process instead. Putting a positive spin on a situation really can relieve anxiety.
