Yesterday the feelings got bad. Sharing got me through.

I hit a point yesterday I wanted to die.

The feelings and confusion were so big I got to that point.

It didn't last long. I saw that feeling and pulled myself out. And I realized that if I called a friend, she would tell me it was ok, and it would be.

Last night, I told my whole story to the second real person in my life. All of it. My childhood, my mentally ill mother, her dying when I was 15, my total emotional shutdown because there was no one, my dad falling apart and me holding him up just to have some sense of stability, my sexual confusion, my feelings for a woman I call D on these forums (I love her), what we need as children that I didn't get, why it made total sense that I would be confused about sexuality, love, life, who I am.

We talked a lot about the bad therapy I've gotten for a lot of years. But then I have resolutions like I had last night and this morning, and I wonder about that.

The theme of my therapy has been not to figure out my life in sessions, but to live. And I've really struggled with that. I haven't trusted people much at all. I haven't trusted myself. 5 weeks ago when I hit a wall, I trusted for the first time. I trusted D. I have now told D everything. We were dating when this happened. Somehow she found the strength to love me and let me go at the same time. She has supported me the last 5 weeks as I've gone through the hardest emotions I've ever had. Grief, world changing confusion, anger, loneliness, joy.
I love her. We have gotten so close at the same time we've transitioned from dating to friends. It's been an ugly, erratic, unacceptable roller coaster. But every time I've been honest, and feared, "this is it" She's going to leave for this one. She's stayed. And told me it was ok.

I've been really struggling to let go of the dating part of us. I don't know jack-shit about love or relationships or friendship. At first I felt like I had friendzoned myself and I was angry. I felt defective because what man would do that to himself. But as time has gone on, I've begun to understand what she is doing for me. She is loving me, as a friend, as I figure myself out. I still really distrust that. I distrust everyone that's ever gotten close to me. That I've ever gotten close to.
But, I've found that most people respond to truth. Even if the truth is confusion. And people love me no matter what my sexuality is or gender for that matter.

D keeps telling me we have time. I've been trying to heal all of this so we could get back to dating, which is why I got so dark yesterday. I want quick answers to all of this. She's telling me we have time because we love each other. But that doesn't mean I'm straight. Doesn't mean I'm gay either. It means she will love me while I figure that out. And that is more valuable than anything I can think of in life. To have someone that will just be there as a base. As someone that will help me get through all of this.
I keep feeling this push to be in a relationship with her. That I have to do that. That I have to love her in the context of a relationship. Or she'll be hurt. Or feel abandoned. Or used. Or she'll leave.
And I suppose my greatest fear is that she will meet someone while I'm working all this out. And pull away. But that's the risk we take in life.
I can't be resolved when I'm not. I'm confused about my sexuality. She knows that. She's been trying to tell me it's ok. She'll love me no matter what I am.
And last night I learned that there's another person in the world that loves me too. And that's even a little easier because there's no relationship questions making things confusing with her. She's happily married.
I have people that will help me figure this out. If I'm honest, they will support me.

I slept all night hugging my pillows, feeling the love of D. Imagining she was holding me all night. When I woke I had a daydream. I'll be in Cozumel next week on vacation. I had a daydream of being out on the dance floor meeting a man. Dancing. Enjoying it. And I imagined D loving me and wanting me to check this out. See if this fits for me. Being attracted to a man. At the end of the day, I don't know who I'll end up loving in a sexual way. And while I'm really scared that I'm wrong about this, I think that both D, and my other friend will support me as I figure it out.

I was robbed of a childhood. I've been stuck for 35 years. I felt no trust in other people or in myself for so long that I couldn't figure much of anything out, much less something as big as sexuality. It scares me to my core to trust. I can't face abandonment. At least I haven't been able to in the past. I'm slowly getting comfortable allowing others to know who I am.

-nsam

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 08:48 AM ----------

I'm laying here marveling at how bad I've felt about myself over the years. How truly ashamed I felt. How absolutely unlovable I felt. The last 5 weeks have been really hard, but I'm feeling an immense relief. It was way harder and took me to places I didn't know existed. Bad places. Hard places.

I truly don't know what my days will look like coming up. I don't know how I'll feel even an hour from now. I've been marking time in hours and sometimes days. Yesterday I woke up and asked myself, How long before I hit a crisis? It took 3 hours and 10 minutes. That's what my days have been. For 5 weeks. And I can honestly say, I regret nothing in these 5 weeks. I've been brutally honest with people. I've thought out exactly what was going on with me, what i was feeling. And I said it. The brutal part being more about how hard it was for me to tell others my true thoughts and feelings. But there were some harsh words in there too. Not unkind words. But angry and hurt words. But true.

I made up a new acronym the other day while texting with D. "lolwc" - Laughing out loud while crying. I've been doing a lot of that.