Longing for a controlling, Dominant partner - why do I want it ?

The ongoing quest to figure out why I want the things I want, and why I feel the desires I feel has taken me back and forth multiple times, so here I am swinging again; sharing my thoughts on it all, maybe they will help someone in some way someday

Fair warning, plenty of honesty about sexual feelings in the paragraphs below .


There is one of Patrick7269's three signature quotes, "Don't believe everything you think." which I find especially insightful. Initially when I first registered on EC I thought there was some Bisexuality involved in my behaviour, because while I've had quite a few relationships with women, the women were always very independent, strong, controlling, whom most people in their life were referring to as "one of the guys". Some of them weren't that feminine looking too, it was not just behaviour. And while I was in relationships with them, I would still often fantasise about me having sex with men, with me as a woman. And often even when I was making love to them, I sometimes had to picture in my head that the roles were reversed, to keep it rolling .

Then I thought had figured out that hey, since I seem to like masculine/dominant (penetrative) behaviour in my partner, in life or in bed, (be they Guys or Gals- that didn't matter as much), then, logically, If I identify as feminine, and like masculine traits, I must be straight trans woman (Or if I would not transition, I'd be an effeminate gay guy). Both are fine. Neither displays any bisexuality though. So am I really bisexual. Probably not :d . Or just a tiny bit.

But then again I thought, maybe need a finer comb, maybe I am making a mistake when I group all attraction in too large of a lump. Maybe I should think separately: I was talking about attraction to personality, attraction to behaviour in bed, and attraction to physical aspects all at once. Trying to peel off some layers...

Personality wise, I definitely like people who want to lead, who know a lot, who want to be in control and that I would lovingly follow without challenging them. I can easily fall for these kind of people Why ? Maybe because of a dominant, abusive and controlling father. Or MAYBE just MAYBE because I don't trust in myself that much and t takes the burden of choice away from me. So is it wise to chalk this up to me identifying as female, wanting someone with masculine personality traits? But then I think again about Patrick signature quote and i start to wonder: is that really what adult feminine behaviour is about? Is that how a grownup woman would be like with her man? I mean grown up women should have a say in everything just as much as the male does. So then , this desire to be this smaller less important entity that always follows and leaves control up to the man, isn't it in fact more of an infantile behaviour on my part towards his father, rather than a feminine behaviour one towards her life partner? Good question. I don't yet have the answer. Of course I would say no, I'm not infantile, but.. can I really be objective here ? Moving on...

Physically, I think the female form is just the best from a visual stand point to generate attraction. I can find some guys handsome but unless I feel they're attracted to my body sexually first, I can't work up sexual interest in them, and even there there's a lot of guilt generated by my strict upbringing. They definitely have to make the first move.
The physical features that prompt one way visual-based attraction from me ( the kind that has the potential to make me be the one who initiates contact), are the delicate, feminine features. That piques my interest. I don't know if sexually though. Maybe I want them, or maybe just want what they have. I instinctively know that if I want to get guys to be interested in me, that's the form I should have for best results. That's why i work out so hard to have a round butt, nicely shaped legs, narrow waist, and not be too bulky, but rater on the skinny side. That is what I work towards and why. But the fact that this is also what draws MY attention, could however also mean that there's a male side in me too that for some reason, I fail to acknowledge? The problem is that if there are also women around, who are maybe not aspretty, but displayed dominant/alpha behaviour, they instantly become more attractive to me.
Zooming out to look at the larger picture: a Woman with a strong dominant behaviour.. isn't that that is more like a mother figure?... so I fall back on the idea that maybe my fascination/attraction to power, has an infantile dimension to it, like a child had towards grown-ups. Who knows ?

Sexually there is no doubt here, I much prefer my partner to be dominant, almost violent with me. I want to be taken, I want to be tied up or held down, I want them to be turned on by the sight of my body, and he/she 'd better have a penis to penetrate me with. But is this behaviour something that comes from who I have always been, or is has it been built by my subconscious mind, in order to re conciliate the two above aspects of attraction? Something like "Well if you like dominant partners, if you wish so much to give control to them and you yourself to be docile , you'd better want them to penetrate you as well, . And since what generate these kinds of attractions and desires is the female shape, that's is what you need to be physically ).

I rarely watch porn, so I don;t use that to figure out things. The overwhelming majority of my alone sexual fantasies in this life have been based on my imagination. When I allow them to happen they naturally go in the direction where I have sex with men, while I am a woman. At first it was violent and scary, now it is consensual and wonderful, but it has always been with me as a woman. I had fantasies where I wold turn into a girl before I even knew about sex though.


Conclusion
So... does my trans desire have an infantile aspect to it ? Especially since I know that my parents wanted a girl instead of a boy when I was born, could that be the cause ? It is so comfortable to say, " no, it is useless to keep looking for causes, you feel what you feel... just start the transition already, and stop looking, it'll be better". But I cannot stop wondering could there be a way to I convince my brain to stop this overwhelming want to transition, could I convince it to feel at home in this body and lessen the dysphoria that way? It would make things so much more simpler...

Who knows. There are other aspects that are not explained by infantile behaviour, but .... who knows....the journey continues :lol::bang::lol:

 

.. maybe relevant, maybe not, but surely weird (and gross). Still can have some psychological implication, I am going to share it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it and write the post above down, share it with the world, then going to bed thinking about it.
One hour in my brain decides to mess me up and sets me up with this dream:

There's this male body upside down. I don't see its face, my own face it is his genitalia level. The dream tells me it is my dad. (looks nothing like my dad, it is a different body type, but it is a dream, so whatever). I am not 100% sure, but I think I am a woman in this dream. Then I proceed to diligently perform passionate fellatio to it (cannot say him even now) . I am weirded out by the realization of what Is happening and what I am doing but cannot stop, cannot help myself a voice is telling me to go on. I will spare you the details, but it goes on for a while. I wake up almost screaming. I can't sleep now.

Brain. What. the. Actual.Fuck.?

Brain you used to talk with me in dreams with high class symbolism brain, with white horses in the desert, and so. With starts and beautiful suspended gardens. Why did I have to perform passionate fellatio on an upside down body that you told was my abusive father brain? I'm sure it is some form of symbolism .. but you could have picked a different metaphor!!! .. what the heck are you trying to tell me ?

:help:
My therapist is going to have a field day with this...

.what.the.actual.fuck.
:roflmao:

---------- Post added 10th Jan 2017 at 12:08 AM ----------

*one cup of tea later, still very much grossed out*
Obviously my subconscious mind is unsettled by my conscious mind being so inquisitive about these aspects would would rather not have them investigated... maybe it tries to scare me away.
Still I have to know what is buried there.

 

Thank you a lot for your view bunnydee
To be honest I didn't really expect anyone to have the time and patience join me in this analysis process, the post is a bit long. But i do love it if it happens .
This was mostly like an open journal, documenting the train thoughts so I can read them back in therapy in a few days. And maybe it helps other to witness this process
Normally, at someone else's advice, I kept a notebook for it but this time I wrote it down online instead of in the notebook

Fully agree. However keep in mind that this is not the idea of the female behaviour at a conscious level, because ( I did elaborate on it two rows below ), is just what I suspect my subconscious mind might think about it. On a conscious level, no matter on where my road will take me, what degree of transitioning i will go through , I will not be any less dominant at work, though my leadership style is more like leading via influence, and getting people to grow, not by direct commands and micro management, I am aware it is still leading and has a dominant dimension, just not obviously so so. .

But good observation in regard to the behaviour at home. That might have been imprinted by the parent's behaviour. My father didn't ever really let my mother have a say in almost anything except what's for dinner. So maybe it is not an infantile aspect, but identification to my mother ? Which would make sense, since during my early childhood i was trying to "save" her somehow, and not being able to do this physically, , copying her mentally was a subconscious way of saving part of her?

Also me only looking for very strong almost masculine women could also be seen as a defence mechanism for the potential future family... way to ensure that if I ever slip up and somehow start to behave in any way like my father did, the person by my side would be a lot stronger than my mother was, and not put up with the abuse ?I don't
know. It can be interpreted in, multiple ways.

Yes on one hand, but Am i really interested sexually in someone with female features ?. After breaking up with my ex, when I went to dancing classes, i was attracted to the most maculine looking girl there. Day one, i knew. She is a programmer, is into computer games and hiking, and was just like my ex in so many ways it was scary. It is obviously i have a "type" I am attracted to. She too is quite forward strong and independent, and came on to me. I had decided to put all relationships on hold until i figure myself out, so I had distanced myself from her. I'm not getting on that carousel until I know more about myself, it hurts too much.

Don't have to ask for forgiveness, I am never offended being asked for clarifications . Assigned male at birth, but had alway seen myself as female. Society is very accepting so i had to wear a mask most my life so far and conform to the male role. I think the only reason why I kept doing that the past 6 years was the relationship I was in, and the social complication for my wife had I come out as transgender..

But is it really ? Or is it my way of conforming with the norme, staying safe, and picking the next best socially acceptable choice to a dominant male.
I did crush on guys ocassionally too, my first crush was a guy. I just never allowed myself to express it.
Example: Even much later in life, when i was 32 years old and had just started therapy, I was between relationships, I went to a club, all fancy dressed ( I admit it might have been a bit on the feminine side, with a cute black vest that underlines my waist, an white shirt, tight white pants.. I had just started therapy and was no longer afraid of changing my wardrobe dressing the way I felt i should dress, more elegant or more colourful, but not boring... but still managed to keep it within socially acceptable parameters). I went with a few female friends,i was a straight club mind you. I love the dance floor. I went there and let loose, having a good time, my friends join in. I am the kind of person that is the first one the dance floor when it opens and does not give a crap about what anyone else thinks about how I dance, if my jam is on,I am gonna GROOVE and have a good time . This other guy approaches daces near us for a bit then me starts running his hands up and down my body, I loved it, but immediately i realised i was in public i panicked, , it was a straight club, and tried to play it cool, continuing to smile trying to "bro-it-up" de escalating the sexual feeling, high fiving the guy and so on. and then i left the dance floor. Well, that guy was there with his wife or girlfriend, and she grabbed him and they stormed out of the club, not before giving me her best "I wish you were dead bitch" look, that froze the blood in my veins. "Hey lady, i never meant for any of it to happen". I wanted to say" Never had the chance to. The ladies I was with were laughing their butts off when we left, jokingly making all kinds of cheeky remarks towards me. " I would have never pinned you as a homewrecker!" " you go girl!" .
In the end it was all fun but it made me realise, what kind of signals I give off when i let loose and am true to myself.

Somehow I always saw me offering oral to another guy and obeying that voice me, is about being submissive, and not dominant, because the de facto beneficiary of the act is the other one, not me. Maybe is a language thing and I just used the wrong wording in the original post. I didn't share all the details of the dream, they were too graphic, but yeah the act did finish in my mouth, there's more but I can't really type it here, i'll leave it for the therapist's couch

Anyway I do think the dream is a metaphor, not to be taken literally. I need to brush up on my Freud reading . Maybe is about not being dominant, or maybe is about failing to become more dominant when i should have had, maybe the dream was supposed to trigger an act of refusal or rebellion in me, and it didn't, and this is the way in which my subconscious mind tells me that I still tend to not stand up for myself, and that i still prefer to please others even though it is causing me serious distress. There are a lot of ways to interpret it

But again, thank you so much for your view on it much appreciated . And unexpected (*hug*)

---------- Post added 10th Jan 2017 at 09:14 AM ----------

Correction: ...but had alway seen myself as female. Society is not very accepting ... forgot a not in there