I've just started this journey and boy, it can suck sometimes...

I have been meaning to post this for a while, but what I thought I wanted to post changed on a near daily basis as the crazy, spiraling process of questioning your life and identity unfolded. But, so much has happened over the last few months that I want to collect my thoughts, write them down and share. I have successfully communicated to a few friends that I'm actively questioning my sexuality, but with those conversations came a lot of word vomit that wasn't exactly cohesive. Just getting to the "I don't think I am straight" part was so hard and awkward that I can't say a good narrative of "how" I got to this point followed.

Anyway, here goes everything I need to say right now to folks that understand what a MIND TRIP this whole process is, thanks for listening in advance

At 29 this hasn't been the first time I've questioned my sexuality, but it's the first time that I'm actually taking it seriously. That inital time was about 5 years ago when I hadn't been in a relationship yet with a guy (at 25 I hadn't even made out with a guy!). For many, many years I had thought something was 'broken' due to my inability to get physical with guys (don't confuse this with lacking a sex drive, it was there alright). When I heard stories of my girlfriends making out with random strangers, I just couldn't picture HOW to do it; it felt like a connection was missing in my brain.

I did eventually get two boyfriends over the last few years, but it was extreme uncomfortable during the beginning of each relationship. But I just thought that was normal, that I was a 'late bloomer', that of course I needed to know someone super well before any romantic, psychical contact was comfortable. Even after breaking up with my second boyfriend, I honestly thought I would finally be over this extreme discomfort I got when kissing guys for the first time (haha, I wish, it only got worse!!).

Now, where do women come into play? Well, throughout my 20s I was very social and made close friendships with multiple women, to the point that I couldn't bare the idea of not hanging out with them while trying to schedule dates with my boyfriends. Looking back, there are many things that should have been clues I needed to take seriously, but I just didn't think I was "like that". My upbringing wasn't conservative, but it was assumed that if you didn't instantly KNOW you were gay, like 100%, then you were straight. It wasn't until LAST YEAR that I even realized nearly every LGBT person goes through the process of questioning themselves, and that it can take a long, LONG time.

I won't bother recounting all these "clues" (we would be here all night), except the two most important. The first is all during my childhood whenever I encountered the concept of lesbians, or met one; I felt something resonate; like some deep, unspoken kinship, that I too was destined to be with a woman. But I course I was having none of that growing up, and piled layers of "no, that can't be me"; even when I knew I wasn't "boy crazy", and had no real desire to date (hell, I couldn't even describe my "perfect boy" when pressured by my friends - but I could have accurately described what made a girl pretty).

My second clue, and probably the more important one, is that over the last few years I have unconsciously been expecting more from my female friendships than want is typical. Like, I get super excited when I go on "pseudo dates", spend all day with them cooking or just doing boring domestic chores. I've been wanting a deeper commitment from them that I didn't want to try and find in guys.

So, what's my point in this winded summary? Well, it all came to a head about three months ago when I was simply unable to ignore it anymore. From that point on it's been a day-by-day emotional roller coaster of anger, fear, acceptance, hope, denial, depression and relief. I honestly never knew how difficult questioning EVERY HUMAN INTERACTION YOU HAVE EVER HAD is. I know now that I'm bi, that was easy enough to get through eventually. But, I don't think my journey ends there and I want to keep exploring my own feelings to see where it goes.

The thing I cling to the most in this whole, messed up, mental nightmare is that at the end of the it all, I can find solace that there is NOTHING wrong with me. Just believing that has been the greatest gift to come out of this so far and I don't want to give that up.

If you didn't bother reading this stupidly long post, at least read this:

Thank you to everyone who posts on this website. I don't know if you realize how much of an impact you all have in sharing your stories. I'm a chronic forum lurker, so I need you to know that there are people listening and it means so much to hear that it's okay to feel the ups and downs towards acceptance and peace. <3