So Pinky asked a great question yesterday: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/228908-why-i-am-uneasy-about-having-sex-girl.html And I am actually wondering about the opposite: Is it normal for people who have only recently begun to fully acknowledge a same-sex attraction to fantasize about having sexual encounters but feel very unsure about kissing? I find the idea of having sex with a woman very exciting, but I have always associated kissing with an emotional connection rather than a purely physical one, and I am still having a hard time imagining a relationship with a woman. Could that be it? Has anyone else (of any gender identity or orientation) experienced this?
I've experienced the opposite. I could imagine kissing girls and calling them my girlfriend/wife, but sex seemed weird or wrong to me. But what you describe is the norm. Almost all gay people (at least 80%) can imagine themselves sleeping with the same gender but not dating them at first. Because of heteronormative ideals.
I followed a similar path. I was always physically interested in other guys for as long as I can remember, but it was only when I was like 18 that I first fantasized about kissing someone. It was at that point that I realized and admitted to myself that I wasn't straight.
Creativemind, I've experienced similar. Always imagined/fantasized about only sex with women but didn't really have much in romantic fantasies, including kissing, until very recently.
I wonder why that is. I think part of it has to do with the media perception of lesbians. It's seen as okay/acceptable for bicurious women to sleep with women, but dating/romance still has to stay heteronormative. Otherwise, you'll be called a dyke, be discriminated against, etc. In my case, I was raised to be sexually conservative. My parents taught me that sex was only for someone you loved and had a relationship with, and they condemned casual sex. While I myself do not hate or care about others who have casual relations, I was still raised in a conservative mindset and being gay did not change that. I felt okay with kissing, girlfriends and marriage first because it was more pure and didn't conflict the sex repulsion I had. Sex with women just seemed disgusting to me and impure because it was an act of homosexuality that did not create children or any "holy" ideal. And the only time I finally allowed myself to be okay with sleeping with women, is if we were already exclusive or committed in my thoughts. I mostly got rid of my religious beliefs (I'm an atheist now), but I am still pretty sexually conservative and believe in waiting a bit. That's what made being gay suck for me and such a huge torture because my experiences were the complete reverse for what is normal for gay people (sex first, romance later). I refused to date anyone for a long time because I protected my heart and didn't want to be used as an object. So really, I think this is a combination of environmental factors for both sides.
Kissing is definitely an intimate and emotional act, but I think its wide spread among mass media has decreased its importance. It probably varies from one person to another, but you should normally feel more comfortable about kissing someone as opposed to having sex with them.
Creative mind, yes, I think you're onto something. When I was in high school, I had no concept that two women could be in a real sexual/romantic relationship with one another. I thought that when I got older the only way I could have sex with another woman was to basically hire a prostitute. Incidentally, though kissing is romantic, I do feel sexually turned on if I do see two women kissing each other (but now when I see a man and woman kissing). ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2017 at 05:08 PM ---------- ^^(but NOT when I see a man and woman kissing).
Great comments - thanks, all. I am now realizing for perhaps the first time just how engrained heteronormativity is in our culture AND in our psyches.
