I grew up in a very 'normal' family where everyone is 'normal' (aka, straight). I had crushes on male celebrities (and looking back now, I definitely had crushes on female celebrities too - though they were never discussed) and had a couple of 'boyfriends' (nothing went beyond hand holding and the occasional peck of a kiss) during my time Secondary school. I remember someone commenting to my mum that I must be a typical boy-mad teenage girl and her response was something along the lines of 'oh, she doesn't do boys - she has horses'. I didn't really question that. When I went to uni, I figured that all that boy-stuff would just sort of...happen. That I would find myself in a relationship and that everything else would follow. Well - I did enter a relationship but though it lasted for two years, nothing physical happened. I didn't mind a cuddle on the couch watching a movie, but anything beyond that and I just froze. He was very good about it and didn't push, but ultimately that's what ended things. The same has happened twice more over the last ten years and I realise now that I was in the relationship because they were attracted to me, not the other way round. It felt nice that someone wanted to be with me, you know? Anyway - I've done a hell of a lot of soul searching over the past couple of years (including talking to a therapist (for depression, mostly, but a lot of this stuff came up)). I thought that I was asexual for a while (and still might be), but the thought of being with a woman doesn't repulse me in the same way that the thought of being with a guy does. Trouble is, I've never been with a woman and living as an Expat in Nepal makes dating all but impossible (not exactly a big scene here, you know?) Add to that social awkwardness and I feel like I'm destined to be alone forever. Which is pretty damn depressing. I would love to have a family some day I just....don't really know what that family unit would look like? All of which is to say - I really don't know where I am anymore!
