I'll try (and fail) to keep this short. Essentially, for as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to women. In many ways, I've only had eyes for women. Over the past few years though, it seems like my feelings toward men have changed, and, as a result, I'm not really sure where that leaves me or what to make of it--which is why I'm posting this here. Here's the gist of it: Since I was very young (I'm currently in my late 20s), I've been attracted to women. I've had crushes on girls, fantasized about them, dated them, been in love with them, etc. I've never had a crush on a man; been in a relationship with a man; had any sort of sexual experience with a man, no matter how mild; and while I'll check out attractive women when I'm out and about I can't really say I do the same with men (although it happens occasionally). So what's the issue? I sound relatively straight, right? Well, along with all of that has been a steady undercurrent of fantasy that grew to involve men. Originally, women were the main focus in those fantasies, and that evolved into submission to women, which evolved into a mix of men and women, and, over the past few years, that's where it has settled for the most part, though lately I've noticed my fantasies are more likely to involve men than women. The men are never really anyone in particular, meaning I'm not thinking of someone I know or a celebrity I find attractive. Attraction, in fact, is probably the most important thing that seems to have come about as a result of this. I went from not really thinking anything in particular about men to suddenly finding some of them attractive. A good-looking guy takes his shirt off on a TV show I'm watching? I'm not just watching the show, suddenly I'm also... watching him. I may not be outright ogling the men at my gym, but I'll find some male fitness model on Instagram attractive, easily. My dating apps preferences are all set to women, but my fantasies include men, and my choice of porn is often gay. I've never thought of myself as gay, and my whole life has been spent imagining myself ending up with a woman. I don't think I'm gay, but can't deny where I am: I may be attracted to women, but I also find some men physically attractive, and even if I don't exactly imagine myself in a relationship with one (yet, perhaps), I regularly fantasize about them sexually. Not to mention there are also little things that I don't lend too much credence too, but which some people might use as indicators: I dress well and am occasionally mistaken for gay; I wouldn't say I share many of the classically masculine interests; and I have mild interests in traditionally feminine things, though I don't know if I should refer to them as "interests" or just say that I lack the aversion possessed by most men to overtly feminine things. For example, my best friend (female) will often comment on women's fashion, and we'll share our opinions about the same, especially if it involves high heels or nail polish. My friend thinks I should not be concerned with labeling myself and should instead just be me, regardless of what that is. To a certain extent, I agree with her. However, I still have conflicted feelings. I don't think I'm gay, but I feel the conclusion of an average person reading this might be very different. It seems likely that I am bisexual. But looking back over the past decade, it's easy for me to say my sexuality has changed and become less heterosexual. Is it going to keep changing? How do I know? Either that, or it's always been the same, and I've just realized I'm less heterosexual. I'm not sure. It just seems hard if not impossible to sort all of these feelings out. Is this bisexuality? Or am I straight with a weird sexual fetish that has evolved to include men? Or am I just gay? It just seems hard to sort out the truth from all this, especially considering the possibility that to some extent I am in denial. Anyway, what do you think? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I'm on the same exact boat as you. But instead I'm female and my interests in girls grew instead. I had the same advice to not label myself and just be me. But I couldn't accept that as an answer because I wanted a label to better understand if I was bi or not. Although I don't like that answer, it is advice to consider. Sexual interests can change, it is not a permanent thing. Sexuality can be very fluid. So you shouldn't be too concerned. You could be straight one day and suddenly gay later on in life. It happens a lot actually. You can also be bi but lean towards heterosexuality or homosexuality. Bisexuality most of the time is never 50/50. Most people usually lean to one sex more or less, it is normal. I guess to better understand if this was a sexual fetish, or being bi or gay, you could ask yourself a few questions. What makes you interested in males? If it relates to just the possibilities men can offer in regards to sex, then maybe it could just be a sexual fantasy. Could you picture yourself dating a man? Whatever this answer is does not deem if you as gay or straight. But it could help you figure yourself out more. Questioning yourself more and ask yourself why that is your answer. It could really help you. You could also ask your friends because they know you personally. I asked mine a lot of the time for their thoughts and advice. I think it is helpful to ask a friend that you can trust and relate to with this topic. Lastly, I think it is best to not stress over not knowing. Although it is hard not to...You are in the stage of trying to figure yourself out right now still. Although I'm sure many people don't like hearing this...it is true. Time will tell. Over time you will learn more about yourself and it will help you add to the missing puzzle. Hope this help a bit.
I agree with the post above, questioning sometimes just takes time. I guess I was in a somewhat similar situation a little while back. I had always thought I was straight because throughout school I had crushes on guys but never girls. I had a best friend (female) and we were really, really close. I thought that if I was into girls, surely I would develop feelings for her. Since that never happened, I just kept assuming that I was straight. I started questioning when I was 21 and I was confused because I thought that was pretty late. But actually, people question their sexuality at all ages, not just in their teens. It took me over a year and a half before I was sure I was bi. For me, questioning was not a pleasant experience but that might be different for you, of course. Just allow yourself to take all the time you need, whether that's weeks, months, or years. That is, if you want a label at all. You don't have to have one. These labels are supposed to be helpful, not stressful. There's also nothing wrong with changing your label multiple times. It's also fine to be sexually attracted to men, but not romantically, for example. I think the fact that you've started thinking about this is a good step because you seem open to the possibility of not being straight. It might come as a bit of a shock when you've assumed you're straight all your life and then realise that maybe you're not. It's okay, though. It seems like you're okay with having these fantasies about men, and that's good because it's much healthier to explore and enjoy those fantasies than to repress them because of internalised homophobia and stuff like that. Remember that there's more than just gay and straight. There's lots of room between those two poles. Do you know about the Kinsey scale? I would recommend looking that up if you don't, you might find it helpful. Try not to worry too much, you'll be fine.
I think what the other two posters who've responded to your post have said are right, and not to concentrate on labels too much for right now. Also, sexuality can be a very fluid thing. I know in college I'd have men on the brain one day, and then the next day they'd be the furthest thing from my mind, and vice versa. Sometimes this switch would happen in the middle of one of my many personal fantasies. Now that I've come out of the closet to some folks, I find myself thinking about men much more than women, especially in terms of dating, relationships, even marriage. In the past month, I think it's been a ratio of ten thoughts of a man for every one thought about a woman. The takeaway from my post would be not to stress about it too much. Try to think of it as you being a surfer and your sexuality a wave; don't try to fight it, just enjoy the ride. As Mariana said, it's much healthier to explore this kind of thing.
