Hey, I'm a 20 year old girl and I thought this might be the only place where I can openly talk about my situation... I started to realize that I most likely prefer girls over boys when I was in my early teens, I started dating girls but never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. A few years ago, I got to know my best friend. He was probably the only person ever, where I could truly be myself. We share tons of interests, he's smart, has amazing humor and he was actually the only true friend I've ever had. He fell in love with me and I kinda went with it, although I knew that it would most likely feel wrong... we started kissing, having sex and acting more and more like a couple. He knows that I actually like girls but we cannot really let go of each other. I love him so much but when it comes to sexual things, it just feels so awkward and I dream about dating girls but I know I can't because I'm stuck in a relationship that I cannot let go of either. We try to compensate this thing, he lets me watch lesbian films while he pleases me sexually but I can not even get slightly aroused without intensively fantasizing about girls. I do have really strong feelings for him, definitely more like I would have for a normal friend, but I just cannot imagine my future without a girl by my side, I never had butterflies in my stomach or the urge to sleep with him, like it would be with a girl. I miss being in love, having sex that I can enjoy without having to fantasize about something else. I fell in love with girls but could never confess my feelings to them... I know it would be horrifying for him if we could never kiss, cuddle and sleep with each other again... and to be honest, I cannot imagine being with him, without intense cuddling and kissing either. We talked about solutions like some kind of polyamorous relationship, where I can be with a girl but stay close to him at the same time... but it would be so hard to find someone that agrees with this kind of relationship, although we both would appreciate it (I was never really into monogamy tbh but this situation is quite tough). I don't know what to do anymore. Has someone been in a similar situation?
Hi ghostintheshell! Welcome It sounds like you are stuck in a tough spot. It sounds like you care a lot about your boyfriend, but the sexual aspect/romantic aspect maybe isn't there. Of course the only person who can really know your orientation is you, but it does sound like you are mostly or exclusively interested in women. When I was in high school I dated a guy. I cared about him a lot, but the sexual feelings just weren't there, and I was much more romantically attracted to female friends than him. It really is (and was for me) terrifying to let go of that part of my life, but at the same time think of this: Is it fair to you to stay in a relationship when you know you would be much happier with someone else? And is it fair to him for him to stay in a relationship with someone who isn't attracted to him the same way he is attracted to you? I know how hard it is, and I wish you the best in whatever you choose
Have you considered keeping a more intimate relationship with him but having one-night stands with women on the side (with their knowledge of the situation of course.) I'm unaware of how dating apps or polyamorous groups work exactly, so I don't know if this is a feasible solution with enough willing partners (or if you're even willing to consider the idea.) Another suggestion could be making the sacrifice and cutting out the sexual tie between you two, and remaining extremely close friends while moving on to date others who are accepting of your closeness. Another option could be switching back and forth, maybe dating each other for months at a time and then temporarily 'splitting up' as far as sexual intimacy goes to date other people, and seeing how that goes? This would pretty much limit you down to one-night stand levels of intimacy with women, in fairness since you would actually be having a non-sexual relationship with your boyfriend. Overall the options involve a lot of sacrifices (taking care to make sure any other partners you have are aware of your terms and situation), and I don't know if these options are first of all anything you would want to do or if it's any easier than simply trying to find a polymorous relationship. You could try to find polymorous groups/dating in your area, but that might be all you can really do. In the end, if you REALLY care about this guy, you might have to either bite the bullet and accept that the sexual part of your relationship will always have faults, OR give up the relationship and remain just friends/split completely if you think that's the healthiest route for both you and him.
@Zwergpinscher: He knows quite well that I'm more attracted to women. We don't keep secrets from each other. But it's quite paradox, because I'm not really sure if I would really be happier with someone else. Sure, the romantic/sexual part would be easier, but on the other hand... I don't quite believe that I could ever find someone again that loves me as much und treats me as good as he does. @Tijopi: I did have a few one night stands with women while being in a relationship with my boyfriend but it's not exactly what I'm longing for. I feel insecure about my body and can't enjoy ONS as much as I enjoy sex with someone I'm also romantically attracted to. The good thing is: He is very open for things like polyamoury and of course, the best solution would find a girl, that can feel romantically and physically attracted to both of us... but it's also the most difficult one. I don't even dare to date girls at the moment because I'm afraid they might lose their interest as soon as they get to know about my situation anyway :/
ghostintheshell, You sound like you are in the same predicament as me. I am married to the 'perfect man'. I love him and we have a great relationship - the perfect relationship with that one exception- he isn't a woman. I have no solution for you. I also feel the same way about the one night stands.hookups. I want everything I have with my husband with a woman. I don't see that happening. What I ask myself is if the sexual connection I long for more important than all the rest? Long term marriages are based are the type of love my husband and I have, but what about the rest? Only you can decide what you want. And that is what it comes down to - what compromise are you willing to make? keep the long-term relationship with this perfect man, or find your inner happiness with a woman? I think it is hard for me because I know what I have and I have never had what I want with a woman. So it is difficult to jump ship when we know it is safe, stable, protects us, and the waters well they could be filled with sharks. ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 12:46 PM ---------- I skipped over the part of you being 20. How about making a pact with him. Say you go out and see if you can find your everything and if not in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, you get back with him. Of course stay friends during this time, but give yourself a chance at finding the one. I was talking from a pov of age for me, but you still have a life ahead of you to find someone.
If you really want poly, there are groups dedicated to that. You just have to look. But what I'm really seeing is that this relationship probably just won't work in the long run, so you may have to consider whether or not you should be staying in it. You are not sexually attracted to this guy and he himself doesn't want a sexless relationship. Yes, it can be hard to leave someone you have feelings for, but It's honestly the best option in most situations like this.
(I apologize if the grammar/wording of my reply isn't so great, it's almost 3 am and while I'm not on top of my grasp of the English language at the moment, I do want to try and help) Since we're both young and I was in a sort of similar situation recently, I'm just gonna give you the same advice I've been telling myself. There's so many people out there that we haven't met yet, and we shouldn't just settle for what we think is the best thing in the world right now. Don't accidentally let the comfort/security familiar people provide stop you from seeking out the kind of relationship you truly want. What happens if you meet your dream girl someday, and you're still with him? You're either going to lose her, or you're going to risk really hurting your boyfriend by telling him that there's someone else. I've had a girl I was head over heels for pull the rug out from under me like that and it hurt like hell. You know what you're longing for now, and I understand that the idea of leaving someone you're so close to is incredibly painful, but if you can't imagine yourself not being with a woman, I would leave him. If you break things off with him now, you're both going to have more time to heal and move on while you're still young. Oh, and as someone who has tried the whole 'casual/no commitment sex' thing while wanting a real relationship, eventually it just burns itself out and you just find yourself sick of the sex and just craving the more romantic parts of a relationship even more. I'm not sure what you're going to decide to do, but I wish you the best of luck <3
