Hi everyone, Sorry to bother you, and post yet another 'who am I?' thread, but I'm feeling a little stuck. I'll begin with I don't like labels. I dislike being put in box and yet I find myself craving the neatness and orderliness of those boxes. I'm almost 30. I eventually came out to my close family as a lesbian at the age 21 after my relationship with my then girlfriend ended. It had been a long road to get to that point. My family did not react well and I was not very self-accepting. I worked hard to try and integrate these parts of myself, looking at why I was so against having these feelings and examining what exactly my feelings were. While I now accept that I am not straight, I still feel like I don’t fit in the lesbian box. I don't know where to put myself. At school I wondered if I was bi - I have never felt sexually interested in men and I find the male body repulsive (sorry guys!). I am attracted to personality. When I was in the 6th Form and university I called myself asexual. I have no explicit sexual feelings about people, but I can recognise attractive women. I find few people romantically attractive, and most of the time these people are female. I have had 6 'crushes' since I was 11. After my first relationship, I called myself a lesbian as it was the only thing my family understood. I have only had one relationship - referenced above. It was not an overtly sexualised relationship and the bits I remember enjoying were the feelings of companionship, emotional intimacy and some physical closeness. I am not a touchy-feely person and find physical intimacy with others incredibly difficult. That said, I want to have someone I can cuddle with and spend time with. I don't recognise flirting behaviour in other people and if someone likes me, usually have to explicitly told. I'm very bad at dealing with my own thoughts about my sexuality, although I am a public advocate for LGBTQ equality and teach in this area. I tell my students that sexuality is a spectrum and their feelings can change and that this is ok. I tell them to only label themselves if they want to and to not be afraid of being different. I am hypocrite and I do not live by my own rhetoric. I would appreciate any advice you can offer regarding where to go from here. Many thanks.
Hmmm...you kind of sound like me in some ways. I definitely identify as a lesbian and prefer this label since there's no way I would ever open my mind to men (they repulse me at a sexual and romantic level). At the same time, It's rare for me to find women that attractive either. I had maybe 6 crushes my whole life (same as you) but they were all people I knew well. I don't think about sex very often, it has to be the right person, and that can take a while to develop. Even then I'm not sure if I'd like it. I don't really like dating or dating culture, but I also tend to be a bit more conservative/old-fashioned than most LGBT people are (or even straight people are today). I wonder if I could be asexual spectrum, but right now just saying I'm gay works. Some people use gray asexual for your situation, however.
