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Maybe I'm just gay! Please help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by OpheliaGreen, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. OpheliaGreen

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    I posted a couple weeks ago about being bisexual and married. I have talked to my husband about it, thought about it A LOT, and now it's becoming clear that I might just be a lesbian. We both realized that I am not attracted to him, and I don't have any sexual interest in him, and he doesn't turn me on. When I think about other guys, it does nothing for me. I have zero interest in having sex with a man. I always identified as being bisexual, but looking back I feel as though I may have been fooling myself. I've always been more interested in women, but finding men was more convenient. I feel like I used to have some attraction to men, I must have once been attracted to my husband and I know I enjoyed sex once, but now I have no interest.

    I want to be with a woman.
    I want to kiss a woman.
    I want to have sex with a woman.
    I want to be in a relationship with a woman.
    It aches and hurts to think about not being able to be with a woman.

    BUT I love my husband, and we have kids and a farm and dogs and a life planned. These feelings I have are derailing everything, and I'm half terrified to lose it all and half excited about a future with a woman. I love him so much, he is wonderful, but he's not a woman and I'm not attracted to him anymore.

    I don't know what to do. My life has turned upside down because of my sexuality. When I say, I'm gay, it feels good. It actually turns me on to talk about being a lesbian, which is maybe a little weird. I'm so scared for my life to change, and I don't want to lose my husband because I love him. But he can't be married to someone who isn't attracted to him, and I can't be married to someone I'm not attracted to. It isn't fair to either of us. I feel like it's up to me to realize and accept that I'm a lesbian so we can get on with life. Am I just gay? I'm so scared, and so confused. Please help, if you can.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    It definitely sounds like you might just be gay.

    Not wanting to lose your husband is normal, even for the most rigid of lesbians. I mean, you're used to him, he's practically your best friend, you've probably been together for a long time.

    Marriage and children also complicates things and makes it harder to leave.

    It's something you'll need to accept eventually however. Might be best to discuss it with him or a marriage counselor.
     
  3. OpheliaGreen

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    He is my best friend, we've been together for 9 years. We know each other so well. We planned our whole lives to be together. It's hard to imagine leaving that, and it hurts so badly. But it's trying to decide which hurts more, the hurt of losing the life and love I thought I had, or the hurt of the thought of not ever being with a woman even though I want it so badly. We have been discussing it, a lot, trying to figure out what to do. Basically, trying to figure out if I'm just gay and I can't be married to a man anymore, or if I can somehow become re-attracted to him and have my interest in women wane. We are seeing a marriage counselor tomorrow, but I hoped asking lesbians themselves would help. Thank you.
     
  4. Rainbowkitten27

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    I am very sorry for what you are going through and am glad you are seeing a counselor. Some people realize they are gay and take off to live their newfound lives, leaving a spouse behind and hurt. So as much as you may feel bad, I admire you and ask you to be proud that you are trying to do the right thing by both you and your husband. Remember that men's egos are fragile and he may say or react in ways that sting, but it's not a reflection on you. He may feel hurt and embarrassed for not being able to be attractive to you or satisfy you. Over time, as he comes to understand what you are going through by doing research of his own, like many people I know or know of, he will realize it isn't either of your faults--you can't help your lack of attraction and it's not that you never loved him at all. Unfortunately, men view sex as love so he will have to realize you can deeply love someone without wanting to make love to them. You need to realize that too!

    There are different sexualities and romantic orientations. I can see that men are physically attractive and I can be emotionally attracted to them more easily than women, but when I am with them as more than friends, I feel nothing--literally, even holding hands is like my heart is made of concrete--and I cannot experience arousal. But even thinking about kissing a girl or being in a relationship with one is the complete opposite! But some gay people do get married to opposite sex spouses, especially those raised to believe homosexuality is a sin, and although they are not physically or sexually attracted to their opposite sex spouse, they do care about and even love that person and work extra hard to make things work. But both you and your husband will have to be okay with you not being attracted to him. I would recommend looking up "mixed orientation marriage or MOM as it's called" and see other's experiences who have remained married or how they amicably divorced.

    What you are going through will be hard and painful, but the more you stop suppressing it and continue down this path, the sooner you will get through it and experience some healing and even happiness. Don't expect clear-cut answers or a quick fix. This is something you will have to work out. It is scary; it is confusing. When I was able to say, "I'm gay" it felt like a weight lifted but it also made me cry to realize my life would never be "normal" like it would with a man and I had to go through a grieving process. Please keep in touch on here, see a counselor and try to work through this. Don't rush; it is a process that takes time. Your husband is probably just as scared and confused so keep working this out together. I have seen people hide it and have affairs behind their spouse's backs so I am proud you are being honest. I'm hoping the best for you tomorrow. Please keep in touch (*hug*)
     
  5. OpheliaGreen

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    Thank you so much for your advice. I really really appreciate it.

    I feel like I want clear-cut answers, maybe I should expect them less and take my time to see where this goes. I really appreciate you saying not to rush, and it's a process that takes time. I'm worried we will rush into separation or rush into an open relationship (which we have discussed) because we're wanting to do something NOW, and maybe it won't be the right choice and it'll do more harm than good.

    We saw the counselor today, she was great but she is one to talk a lot so it can become hard to follow everything she says! The biggest things that I took away from it was one, to not be afraid to keep trying different things hoping something will work, and two, that my husband and I can create whatever kind of relationship and family that we want, as long as it works for us. We can be divorced and live on the same land with our other partners and raise our children together and still be best friends. (that's the best thing I've come up with so far :icon_bigg ) Or anything! We can create what we need, it doesn't have to be what society says it should, as long as we are all happy.

    I dunno. I'm still confused and scared but I think I'll feel that way for a while.
    In the meantime I'll practice saying I'm gay, I'm a lesbian, because it almost feels right.
     
  6. Rainbowkitten27

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    Thank you for the update! One thing I would recommend for you, and it has been shown to improve physical and mental health, is to write your story. Don't worry if you aren't a "writer"; don't do it for anyone but you. Write down your earliest crushes. Go somewhere alone, deep breathe and remember what you felt meeting and marrying your husband, the wedding night, having sex, the birth of your children. Even how you were raised to view sexuality and gay people. I believe it will help you really process your feelings and maybe provide some clues. If you really feel like you are gay to the point you cannot keep up with a mixed-orientation marriage--4 out of 5 cannot--then you guys will have to figure it out together. Actually, couples who do end up divorcing, stay in contact even after remarrying, so I am glad you guys realize society does not dictate your lives.

    I am linking two safe sites that I have found helpful and feel they may help you. The first is about different types of attraction and the second may be good to show your husband if you feel like it. Four couples tell their stories of how they dealt with being in a mixed-orientation marriages. Despite Rachel Held Evans, who hosts these stories, being a Christian she is quite liberal and LGBT friendly so the comments are more respectful than most. My last piece of advice is to WATCH THE VOICES (sorry for the caps!) but watch who you let speak into your life. I let so many people, especially well-meaning but very condemning Christians, speak into my life and it nearly caused me to end it from the shame. If someone makes you feel condemned, get away from them. Don't let anyone's unhealthy and uneducated opinions make you more confused. You and your husband are in this together so find resources together. And if it helps, give yourselves a deadline, not for you to "figure yourself out" but maybe that you won't make any definitive decisions about divorce or anything until the end of the year. It will feel scary but every day you push through is another day of progress. Stay on this forum if it helps; there are many wonderful people here who understand. Also, I have found some great people on the Gay Christian Network forums who are in mixed-orientation marriages--some of them men married to lesbians--and they are honest about the ups and downs. Keep breathing and keep moving forward :slight_smile:

    https://lgbtq.unc.edu/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation

    On Mixed Orientation Marriages: Four Stories