This is a long story I wrote for an LGBT magazine for my college last year. Please enjoy.It was very cathartic writing this, and coming back to it a year later gives me strength and hope. Coming out Story I was 16 years old and sitting in choir when I looked across the room. My classmates were laughing at this guy named Trevor. He was openly gay and everyone made fun of him. They would call him things like “butt pirate” and “dick sucker”. I always felt bad for him. Sometimes I thought to myself, what if I were gay? Would my friends make fun of me? Would I be ostracized? There I was, just sitting and not doing a solid thing about this. I often wondered how Trevor felt. Was he depressed from being teased all the time? Did he have other friends? I knew that he smoked and did drugs to help cope with these issues, but he was never depressed at school. As the year passed by, our big high school choir trip was coming up. I was so excited but I knew that Trevor would be there. As the day approached, I got onto the bus. I casually took my seat and then waited for the bus to start. As the trip to Minneapolis came to a start, I thought about Trevor again. I wondered if he would be treated the same way as he always was. Maybe this time I could do something about this and talk to him. So I did. I ended up getting his phone number and realizing that he wasn’t such a bad guy. I texted him and told him that I was a questioning individual, and that I didn’t know my sexuality. He told me that I should confront that issue and hang out with him some time. I pondered this for the next few days on the trip and thought how fun it would be to hang out with him. The thoughts went through my head of the possibilities of having new friends, new experiences, and other things. However, the thoughts soon dissipated after I hung out with my friends again. Once I was around my “manly” heterosexual friends, I brushed these questioning thoughts aside and continued on with my life. Fast forward to 2010. I was now a college student living at home. I had nothing to worry about and my life was great. I was finishing up my media degree and working at a news station 25 hours a week. There were three people I worked with who were openly gay. Every day when I went into work I would say hi to them and admire how friendly they were to me. As I started hanging out with these people more, I realized how friendly gay people could be. I still went into work every day and did the same routine. However, as I developed a closer relationship with these people, I started questioning my sexuality once again. One of the guys I worked with was the same age as I was. He was always there to provide feedback and help me out, regardless of the situation. He had a boyfriend that came to visit every now and then. I would ask him about his boyfriend and how he met him. I wondered what it would be like if I was his boyfriend. Would I be a good companion? Would I treat him right? I spent the next couple weeks thinking about these things, but didn’t really acknowledge that I was thinking about this person. I finally dug up the courage to ask him about his coming out story, and how he realized his sexuality. He told me his story and told me that if I was questioning, I should try experimenting. I took his advice and started researching and thinking about the other sex more. One night at my other job I did a web search for the Kinsey test – the Kinsey test is a scoring test that ranges from 1-6. 1 is completely homosexual; six is completely heterosexual. I found myself taking the test several times. Every single time I took the test I scored a three – this means bisexual. This left me questioning again. I pondered if I was simply confused, or straight up homosexual – to me, there was no bisexual. The results of this test worried me. I felt myself panicking and thinking about coming out to my parents. I thought that maybe I could wait a while and magically be turned straight, but that was impossible. I had to accept myself for who I was. As I racked my brain for possibilities, I thought that I needed some support. I did a web search on homosexuality and coming out, and the website Empty Closets came up. I clicked on the website and there were forums on several LGBT topics. I quickly created a username and made several threads about my experiences in high school and my attractions towards men, as well as my admirations of women. People responded kindly and told me that I could be gay or straight – I could even be bisexual. As I continued to research about this, I started talking to other LGBT folk. I soon started logging onto a chat room every night and made some friends. One person I talked to every night was from up north and he said that I am a really nice person. I told him the same thing and suggested that we should exchange e-mail addresses; and so we did. We started talking every night from 11pm until sometimes up to 6am. My life was finally coming into place. We continued talking for a few months and started skyping each other. As time passed by, we decided that we should start dating. We decided that we could maintain a good long distance relationship until we could visit each other to meet in person. This again continued for a month and then I decided that it was best to pursue a relationship closer to my hometown. I ended the relationship and stayed friends with the person. We continued to talk a bit, but he distanced himself a lot after the breakup. Fast-forward 6 months. I decided to move to another town three hours away to pursue another college degree. As I moved into town, I didn’t know a single person. I decided that it would be smart to talk with my chat buddies until I made some new friends. I waited for a few weeks before school started and then I decided to research “LGBT center at college”. I found that my college had an LGBT center and had an event coming up. I thought that I could finally go to this place and be myself. I wouldn’t have to hold anything back. I wouldn’t have to be heteronormative and pretend that I was straight. As a few days passed, the day of the event came up. I went to the event and met some amazing people. But, there was this one person in particular that I had my eyes on. He was my age and very attractive. I introduced myself to him and his friend and chatted with him for 4 hours. I then invited him and his friend over to my house to play some games, and they accepted the offer. The next day passed and I saw him again. I started talking with him more and more and realized that I wanted to be in a relationship with him. About a month passed and I continued to pursue having a relationship, but things didn’t work out with this guy. After that moment I knew that I was not straight, I was gay – or something close to that. I continued to deny myself and believe that I was straight, but my body and brain said otherwise. The thoughts went through my head night after night. I continued to question myself until I went to a big conference revolving LGBT topics. At the conference I learned about LGBT issues, and realized that I was not straight for sure. I met this person at the conference and we started dating – this fling only lasted a few weeks. I continued to question my sexuality again for a few weeks until I met another guy. This person went to the conference with me, but I didn’t really talk to him. We ended up connecting on Facebook and started talking. As the conversations grew deeper and became more personal, I thought that it was a good idea to meet this guy again in person. I told him that we should hang out soon. Little did I know, he already had plans for this and invited me to a fun event. We went to the event together and had a great time. I talked to him more on the Internet and realized that I could have a good relationship with this person. I told him that we should hang out again next weekend, and he said yes! The next weekend we hung out with each other at his campus. I remember walking around in the park and walking through the snow on the trails. I slipped on some ice and fell on my face, but I was not hurt. He laughed and asked if I was okay. I shook it off nervously and said I was fine. Little did he know, I was debating on asking him out. As we approached the end of the trails, I asked him to stop. I said, “What do you think about dating?” He said that he would love to date, but he has never had a boyfriend before. I told him my previous story about the long distance relationship and told him that I wanted a “real” boyfriend. He told me that he would love to have me as a boyfriend, and I hugged him. We dated for four months and then he stopped talking to me after he was injured in an accident. I continued on my man hunt after that and hoped that I could find someone as nice as he was. A few months passed by and I was still single. I always talked to my best friend every day via text and on the phone. He would tell me things like, “Hey dude, look at this hot chick”, and “Dude that chick has a nice Ass!” I would simply state that she was good looking and brush it off. After a little while, I got tired of hearing these things. It was the night after a meeting and I decided that I would tell my best friend that I was gay – or something close to that. I would first tell him about the conference I went to in order to break the ice. As the conversation went down, I felt myself shaking and worrying that he wouldn’t talk to me. I continued talking about the conference and told him that I didn’t have attraction towards women, and that I liked guys. It took me an hour to tell him that, but he accepted me. We still continue to talk every day as though nothing has happened; however, I still had the issue of coming out to my family. I was at home for a home visit and my sister was home alone. She was sitting on the couch watching TV and I was on the couch getting ready to go to the gym. I thought for a while how to tell her that I was gay- or close to that. I sat there sitting and watching TV with her for an hour until she asked me a question. She asked me what was wrong. I finally built up the courage to tell her that I was not straight. She hugged me and said that it was okay. She said that she will support me and that she doesn’t care who I love. I felt so much better after coming out to her and realized that coming out is important for anyone. In the future after I graduate, I will come out to my parents. Hopefully they will be as accepting as my sister and best friend were. TLDR: I spent over ten years finding out my sexuality and I am finally coming to terms with it.
Someone requested a current update to this story: I graduated from college with a food science degree and have been working full time in a store. I'm searching for employment in my field of study and am having a difficult time finding a job. I'm hoping to find something in the next couple months so that I can move out and come out to my family.
