A few things before I start: I'm brand new to this forum, and I've never really spent any time at all on an LGBT forum or in the LGBT community, so I apologize in advance if I'm posting in an incorrect section or with a wrong format, or if anything I say when I describe my situation sounds ignorant. I'm just trying to explain my experiences and get things figured out, so I figured I would try to get outside opinions from an accepting, open community. So, here's my story so far. I'm a 16 year old guy (17 soon) and nearly my whole life I identified as straight. I just never really felt an attraction to the same-sex, in fact, quite the opposite. Throughout middle school and even the beginning of high school I only had relationships with girls and I was quite disgusted by guys and completely uninterested in them for the longest time. It may sound like a cliché but I always sort of knew deep down that it was there, I just wasn't around people that were interesting to me and I do have a strong preference for girls. Fast-forward to the beginning of this school year (September 2016) I was actually around guys in school that I found attractive and I started to notice those feelings sometime in November or December. I knew right a way that I wasn't gay because I still was attracted to girls, so I just assumed I was bisexual. I waited a few weeks to make sure these feelings were real and not temporary, and then I came out as bisexual to one of my closest friends (who is very LGBT-supportive) at the beginning of January. For some reason, coming out felt very forced and unreal. I didn't feel any sense of gratification, happiness or relief, though my friend was very accepting and happy I came out to him. Nothing really changed, and if anything I felt unhappy and uncomfortable. About a week later, I came out to another friend who I knew was supportive. He gave a supportive and accepting response as well, but I still didn't really feel any better. On January 15, during a long late-night conversation with two friends (one who recently came out as gay and one who is straight) I came out to them as bisexual and actually explained my story to them, my feelings, a lot of more personal stuff regarding my sexuality and just really opened up to them and I went to bed that night feeling great. I woke up the next day feeling happier than I had in a long time and things finally started to seem clear. Sorry for the long-winded backstory, I felt it was somewhat important. That basically takes me to the last two weeks, in which my happiness has quickly faded into lots of confusion and questioning. After I came out to those two friends and felt very happy, I watched a lot of 'coming out' videos on YouTube (many of which I had seen before but wanted to rewatch) and I began to romanticize this idea of being gay and coming out to everyone I knew and having them tell me things like they've "known since I was 5" and things like that. It just seemed like it would be so easy to be gay, it was very decisive compared to the confusion and questioning I've struggled with but I realized pretty quickly that that wasn't the case. I also came to the realization that I'm attracted to transgender people as well, and I've learned I'm attracted to people based on their appearance and personality, and I'm open to many different things sexually. This has led me to believe that I'm either bisexual or pansexual. Here's where a lot of my confusion lies - the definitions of bisexuality and pansexuality, from everything I've read, seem to be very subjective and I've seen them described in 50 different ways to the point where I just don't know what I am. I know the obvious solution would probably be to just stop trying to label myself and learn more about myself and my feelings for others, but I really want to come out to some of my family and more friends and I want to properly know what to tell them. I don't want to tell them I'm one thing and then a few weeks later, feel differently because then it might seem like I'm just "going through a phase". I want to be open and up front with how, I feel, but I'm just not sure how to identify. It seems like most would agree that bisexuality would encompass me being attracted to the two genders, male and female. However, I don't limit myself to people based on gender, and I'm accepting and supportive of people who identify with all these gender identities though I may not understand them. This leads me to think that I'm pansexual, but I don't consider myself to be "genderblind" which seems to be a big part of it. As I'm finishing this up, I realize that I don't really have a point in making this post. I don't have a question that can be easily answered, but I think I just needed to get this all written out and in the process, force myself to really think about how I feel. Sorry for the length of this post, I can't even look back and read through it because it's probably a nightmare. If anyone reading this has any advice or idea of what I should do to come up with some answers or discover more about myself, or you have any questions, please feel free to reply and just let me know. If you actually read all of this, I admire your patience and thank you.
Well first of all, bisexuality is used often as an umbrella term to encompass all people who feel attraction to more than one gender- so even though bisexuality comes from the word "bi", meaning "two", people can identify as bisexual and be attracted to all genders or more than two genders. Pansexual people are also classified under the bi+ umbrella for this reason, but choose to identify with the term pansexual because it more accurately represents their orientation. I think its completely up to you which term you prefer and which one you feel fits you best. Pansexuality has a connotation of being attracted to all genders, so some people choose to identify as pansexual because of this connotation, even though bisexuals can be attracted to all genders too. People also choose to identify as pansexual if they are attracted to genders in the same way- that whole gender blind, "the gender doesn't matter, it's the person" philosophy. If I'm not straight (which is looking likely) I'm going to identify as bisexual not pansexual because the way I'm attracted to genders is different. Its kind of hard to explain but girls are more... soft, like sunshine, and then boys are kind of harder, like trees. Lol that sounded so cheesy, but that's kind of what it feels like to me. The attraction just feels different. I am attracted to genderqueer people as well as boys and girls, but I also will identify as bisexual because I personally prefer simpler identification terms. Like I said, its up to you. So its up to you. I wouldn't stress too much because the terms bisexual and pansexual can be used pretty interchangeably as well.
I believe that the difference between many labels is more academic than an actually important. While a clear defined label can help you to order and communicate your desire, it can also be a confining box. Look at the amount of "gay or bi" threads here. Some people fit rigid labels well, others don't. And I think just sharing helps a lot during questioning. I used to write enormous mails to two close friends, sharing basically my whole life. Even without answers just writing everything down can be very helpful. If you share more stuff, I'll read it ;-)
I wanted to thank both of you for responding! When I first read these, it made a lot of sense that I was just pointlessly stressing over labels when it really doesn't matter, but I still sort of want to make a decision, something I can *hopefully* fully identify with because I do want to eventually be out to everyone but I need people in my life to take it seriously and understand it's not a phase because I think that's my biggest fear. If anything, it's more or less just been made clear that I need to spend more time learning about my sexuality, sexuality in general, and wait until I'm ready to come out. Thank you both again for replying!
