I've been wrestling with this in my mind for several years and thought I'd see if anyone on here might have any insight to what I'm going through. I'm a 41 year old male, and while I've been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, over the last 15-20 years, I frequently have had fantasies about being sexually active with males. I don't, however, necessarily find myself physically attracted to men. When I'm out and about in public, far more women than men catch my eye. For years, I've mainly just fantasized about being on the receiving end of anal intercourse with a male or giving a guy a blow job. I don't really picture myself kissing another man or cuddling with him. I was married for several years and didn't really have the opportunity to explore any of these feelings until we divorced a few years ago. Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I started looking on gay dating/hookup apps. I didn't really find many, if any, of them to be particularly attractive, although there were some whom the thought of having sex with did arouse me, if that makes any sense. Most of the guys I talked to scared me off almost immediately, but one guy seemed decent enough to meet, even though he would have been far from my first choice based on his looks. I met him at his place twice, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to actually do anything with him until the third time. I started giving him a blow job for a few minutes, and then we went to his room to have sex. He wanted to kiss me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The sex was ok but rather uncomfortable, and the whole time I mainly kept thinking to myself, "I can't believe I'm actually doing this." After I left his place, I had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole event and I lost contact with him. A year or so later, I reestablished contact with him and I found myself at his place once again in a very similar situation to the previous time. This time was a little bit different. I found myself to be highly aroused while I was giving him a blow job, and this time when we had sex, the discomfort was replaced with a much more pleasurable feeling. However, I still couldn't bring myself to kiss him or to even look at him during sex. That was two years ago, and I haven't had a sexual experience with another male since then, although I've been with a handful of women during that time. I've looked at the gay apps on several occasions and even talked to a handful of guys briefly, but I always seem to end up deleting my profile before I meet anyone. When I watch porn, it's almost never straight porn. Although straight porn does arouse me, I find myself getting MUCH more aroused when I watch gay porn. What I find confusing is this: I seem to have no problem kissing and cuddling with women, and when I have sex with them, I feel aroused. But it seems to take me a long time to have an orgasm, if I even have one at all. In comparison, I can't really picture myself kissing or cuddling with a guy, but the thought of having sex with men I find highly arousing. The second time I had sex with that guy, I was extremely aroused and had an orgasm much more quickly than any time I've been with a woman in recent years. But like I said, I couldn't kiss him or even make eye contact with him during sex. I find myself wondering if I just like the thought of having sex with men because it's taboo. Or if I met the right guy and allowed myself to give kissing and cuddling a try, would I actually enjoy the more intimate aspects of being with men? Is it possible that I'm just repressing my true desires to such an extent that I've convinced myself that I have no desire to be intimate with guys? Or do I simply just like anal stimulation, and would a woman with a strap-on satisfy that need? Am I bi? Gay? Straight? Does a label really help? I could say more, but I feel like I've already rambled on for quite a bit here. Any thoughts?
Hi kdml, Welcome to EC and congrats on your first post here. Since I see you've been a member of EC since October, I'll assume you've been reading posts here for a while. You've no doubt seen many people comment that no one can know your orientation. Only you can decide whether you are straight, gay, bi or something else. Based upon everything you have written, it sounds to me like you are beginning to come to terms with being gay. Coming to that point isn't usually a single event in time, but rather occurs over many years, sometimes decades. Of course, it is entirely possible that you are bisexual and you are drifting to more of the same-sex side. You don't explain what happened in your marriage and whether sex was a part of the breakup. It doesn't sound like you harbor much in the way of fear or shame regarding the possibility that you are gay, and you've obviously been willing to experiment to test yourself. My suggestion would be to allow your natural attractions and desires and heart guide you in your dating life. It is very common and completely normal to have difficulty with the intimacy aspects of sex, such as kissing, making out, and cuddling. That difficulty is mostly caused by internalized homophobia - seeing it as abnormal, wrong, and taboo. I think that if you allow yourself to have more experience with guys, and give yourself permission to kiss and make out with a guy, you might see if you truly have attraction to guys. Take care. ride:
Thanks for replying. I wouldn't quite say that I don't harbor fear, and while I've experimented a couple of times over the last five years, 99% of the time, I chicken out of opportunities to do more of it. Maybe my problem IS caused by, as you put it, internalized homophobia. Hopefully the next time an opportunity presents itself, I can overcome that fear and just see where things go.
