I am definietly attracted to females, I have been since I was 11 years old. The thing is I don't feel comfortable kissing women (feel dirty, like a fetishist, and in general sexual abuse makes any kissing feel invasive, regardless of sex,) and find lesbian sex frankly boring. I can't enjoy oral because of the abuse, and there really isn't much else there that isn't too much for me (feels fetishized.) From time to time I will sleep with men because that is the only form of sex that doesn't trigger my ptsd too much, (I've been taking a break from dealing with it,) but if the obvious aspects of straight intercourse were removed, it would be just as boring as above; so I don't believe it's a sexuality thing. Does anyone else have this problem? Also, most lesbian sexual interactions feel uncomfortably dirty (as I was raised believing,) I was wondering how people get over this? I've never been comfortable even holding hands in public with someone of the same sex.:eusa_doh: ---------- Post added 27th Jan 2017 at 05:33 PM ---------- Extra: I actually have trouble even fantasizing about women, the dirty-feeling of it gets in my head if I admire someone's body in an overly sexual way, and any sexual thoughts get an immediate ptsd-response? I've never been a sexual person, and I feel this may partially be because I was raised having sex with a straight man, so straight sex had become like a handshake to me; I was never exposed to my own desires in a positive light, only as another rapist (my cultural upbringing didn't help.)
Hi, and welcome to EC. The history of abuse is almost certainly what's causing the dislike for sex. Childhood sexual abuse causes quite a number of problems that can be lifelong if not effectively treated, including everything you're describing above. With a really good therapist, one who specializes in sexual abuse, you can work through the issues. It takes time, but is definitely worth it.
