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I'm beginning to question things...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by charlie4815, Jan 28, 2017.

  1. charlie4815

    Regular Member

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    Hey guys, I'm a 17 year old female and, like many, I'm questioning my sexuality. I grew up a tomboy, wearing boys clothes, and having mostly male friends. If I remember right, I even had a small crush on my female best friend in elementary school (I said to her a couple times, "If I had to marry a girl I would marry you"). Then in middle school, I retreated into my shell and started dressing a little more girly. I was unhappy. I have only felt that burning feeling you get from sexual attraction for guys, however the few guys I've been attracted to have been very feminine (to the point where my friends would say "he looks like a girl!"). It takes a long time of looking at a guy and observing his features for me to feel sexual attraction towards him, and I seem to have a very specific type. Also, the male body without clothes turns me off. With clothes (especially tight pants) is much better.

    Now in high school I've delved more into my personality and who I really am. I started dressing more boyish again, and I cut my hair short to look like a guy. Sometimes I feel like a guy on the inside, and there was a time if I wondered if I really was one, but I'm becoming more comfortable in my female body. Since I cut my hair there have been girls that have had crushes on me (and I find myself flirting back), and there have been rumors that I'm gay. A couple of my LGBTQ+ friends have told me they initially thought I wasn't straight, and that they just "got that vibe from me." I've had two boyfriends, but I couldn't seem to really love them, or form a deep emotional connection with them. I also found myself being flirty with a couple of my female friends, who are gay. I started to wonder if I actually liked one of them, and had recurring dreams about kissing her (I have kissed a girl before). I also have thought about another of my female friends and how attractive she is, and that I would totally make out with her if I got the chance.

    I have never had much of an interest in sex, and when I think about it logistically it sounds TERRIFYING. I don't want a dick anywhere in me, yikes. However, I have been dating a guy that I'm good friends with but am not attracted to for 5 months, and recently I decided I would try and give him a handjob. Well, he pulled it out and he described my face as looking "mortified." I was filled with a wave of anxiety and I had to fight not to cry, I just buried my head in my hands and laid on his bed saying over and over again, "I can't do it, I can't do it." By the third attempt a few weeks later I could, but I don't get any enjoyment out of it. Recently one of my male friends and I were talking about porn, and how neither of us had watched it before. Well, when I got home that night I got curious, so I looked up porn gifs. I was scrolling through and was grossed out by all the images of guys and girls having sex. Then, I came across a gif of just two girls having sex. I watched it, and I found myself getting turned on. So I looked up more gifs of lesbian porn, and found myself turned on by their bodies. I masturbated for the first time that night, thinking about girls. I didn't realize until later how very gay that was. Now, I can only think about girls when I masturbate, that's what turns me on. But it's strange -- I can think about a guy I'm really attracted to and feel that burning feeling, but not for girls; then I can only think about girls while I masturbate, not guys. So who am I attracted to? I dunno if anybody else here has had this same issue, but I'd appreciate all the input I can get because I am very confused right now. Thank you x
     
  2. LoyalGryffindor

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    You could be bisexual with a preference for women or vice-versa. You could be physically, sexually, and romantically attracted to women and only romantically (and maybe somewhat physically?) attracted to men.
    What type of porn you like doesn't necessarily mean anything, a lot of gay people like straight porn and a lot of straight people like gay porn. Who you think about when you masturbate does mean something.
    And remember that you don't have to label yourself! Although sexuality is not, labels are somewhat a choice.
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    My guess is that the burning passion will appear for some girl some day. (Maybe soon!) I know this is sort of a variation on the "you just haven't met the right one yet" annoying argument. But...

    You really gave it a go with the penis, and it just didn't work. I think you are destined to have only romantic relationships with guys. Those can be great... I have some very emotional rels with women. Of course, I'm still looking for more.. but with other people.

    Your ability (and desire) to fantasize about girls seems pretty telling. I suspect the fire will make its appearance. Hope so!