I'm 28 and I have a huge problem with determining my sexual orientation. I've always thought that I'm heterosexual - I've been always into girls I've also been in few (short) relationships with them. However I have a problem with sexual arousal and erection during petting with women. I don't have an erection at all when I see naked woman body. While kissing a girl I'm getting an erection but it's not full. After longer kissing my penis goes down. It makes me afraid of going further and having sex. I've never thought about myself being homosexual. The problem is that when I watch gay porn movies I have an erection (that I haven't while watching heterosexual porn). It could be caused by watching gay porn movies during adolescence when I wanted to compare my penis to penises of other guys. While watching gay porn I was masturbating. Once I even tried oral sex with a guy - when he was making a blowjob to me I had an erection and orgasm, but when it was my turn I was disgusted and I had to stop. I just couldn't do it. I've never could imagine having sex with a man. Few weeks ago when my friend put his hand on my thigh I felt that I'm starting to get an erection, what terrified me. I know that orientation is not only the matter of sexuality, but also feelings - in this matter I'm totally into women. I can only fall in love with a girl and, on the other hand, I can't imagine a relationship with a man. The most important thing is that it is not a matter of kind of social disapproval. Physically I also like women. Please help?
Hi, and welcome. Before somebody comes in and tries to tell you there are separate romantic and sexual orientations, I'll tell you there's no evidence to support that idea, and I don't think that's your issue. I'll also tell you that what you're experiencing is very, very common. When we begin to realize we may not be straight, we have to deal with the loss of the "straight" identity, and there are stages we go through - denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. This can take minutes or months, depending on the person. In your case, your unconscious, which is where your hardwired sexual orientation lies, is pretty clearly telling you that you're attracted to guys. The arousal that's coming from seeing naked male bodies, from having a guy touch you, masturbating to gay porn... all pretty clearly show that you have a strong attraction to men. And the fact that you don't feel arousal with women is also telling. So I would guess that you're somewhere between the "denial" and "bargaining' stages. My guess is that, while you say it's not a matter of social disapproval, that this isn't really true. If it were, you wouldn't have been terrified at having an erection with the guy putting his hand on you. Pretty much all of us are socialized to not want to be gay. Society, no matter where we grow up, sends us messages that being gay is wrong or bad. (Hence, your being terrified.) The part of you that says "I could never fall in love with a guy" is likely the part still in denial. It's the last line of defense to accepting that you're gay, because your body is already telling you otherwise. Likewise, the mental attraction to women is likely also denial, since your body is physically aroused by men. What commonly happens in these situations is that people, as they start accepting their same-sex attraction, find that their willingness to consider relationships and sex with same-sex partners increases, and their attraction to opposite-sex partners decreases. I do want to be clear that I'm not telling you what you are. I could be 100% wrong. Only you can know the answer for sure. What I can do is tell you what I've seen with others describing similar situations to yours, and what is most likely going on. My guess is this post will terrify you and cause you a lot of anxiety. And that, too, is normal as you break through the denial. The best I can suggest is to do your best to be open to whatever feelings come up, try to sit with them, and see where it leads you. And... keep talking about it here. That's one of the best ways to process the feelings.
