I'm a 15 yo girl and it's been around 1 or 2 years since i've started to ask myself questions about my sexuality. When I was little, I have memories of me being in love with a guy (I was 9), or liking guys, as well as kissing girls, but also playing a lot with dudes as well as girls, and really enjoying boys toys, ten times more than girl's ones (i know it pbly means nothing hehe) and being tomboyish, like not wanting to wear dresses. But as I grew up I eventually start to like it, and I'm a pretty feminine person. The things is that when I was like 13, I started to realise I wasn't really into guys, like I'll see all my girl-friends having crushes on boys and having none, and if I had they'd be forced. At first I was like "Guess I'm not really into romantic things..." but something was off, and I started to think: "wait, what if I liked girls?"... and it started to fall into place. I realised I was attracted to girls, their bodies, I liked kissing them, flirting with them, I had a girlfriend (who ended up breaking up with me because she wasn't gay but just confused...*sigh*) and even if it didn't last much I enjoyed it, and had pretty confused feelings for a close friend . I had sexual desire for the first time, was toward women... so in conclusion I'm pretty gay. I've always used the term "bi" tho, because I'm not disgusted by men. I mean I think I could have sex with one, and if we connect, why not a relationship? It's just that I'm kind of "meh" about them, except for really attractive ones (like celebs, Evan peters is confusing me haha) but like ya know I wouldn't mind having a bf. It's just not as exciting than with a gurl. I tried kissing one recently during a party, he was cute and nice, but I felt nothing. At first I was kind of disgusted, so I tried again and again... and again. No butterflies like I have with girls... when he started touching me, it felt kind of wrong but also exciting in a way, so I was a bit aroused by it... I just don't get where I am now. I feel like I'm a lesbian. Still, idk because a lesbian isn't suppose to be a bit attracted to dudes! What's my freaking orientation? If you take time to reply, thanks a lot (perdon my french for all the grammar mistakes haha), maybe you could give me advices, or personal coming out stories, idk??:help:
Hey, welcome to EC! One thing in your post stood out to me. It seems that you think that you can't be a lesbian because you think that you are a little bit attracted to dudes. Could you maybe explain to me in what way you think that you are attracted to dudes? To be a lesbian, you do not have to be disgusted by men! It sounds to me that you didn't enjoy kissing that dude at all because it felt wrong to you and you were disgusted by it. It isn't weird that you got a bit aroused from his touch; when someone is touching you, this can happen, whether you are attracted to that person or not. This does not mean you're not a lesbian. It's a natural response of your body to get aroused when someone touches it. If you were actually attracted to him, you would have felt the butterflies instead of disgust. From your post, I also gather that you feel completely different about men and women. You know you're into women, but men are 'meh' to you. This could also be a pretty strong indicator of your sexuality. But, in the end, only you can decide what your orientation is and how you want to identify your sexuality.
Thanks for the welcoming and the quick answer! My attraction toward guys is so confusing. I can look at men in the street and find them attractive, and I used to find a guy cute in my highschool and try to imagine myself with him but it wasn't as pleasing as it is when I imagine myself with a girl. I can also be aroused by a guy's body I think, like once I touched a guy's abs (idk why aha) and I felt quite funny. I tried to have fantasies about boys but I'm quickly catched by girls thoughts. But like I dont mind kissing them or playing with them, idk it's more fun to me than serious... basically my head's a mess
No problem! Figuring out your sexuality can be a very confusing process. Thinking a guy is cute is not the same as being attracted to a guy. The question is, do you desire to be intimate with guys? By that I don't mean if you'd mind the idea, but I mean to ask you if you actually have a drive to seek out intimacy with boys? What also stood out to me is that you said that you tried to have fantasies about boys. This makes it sound to me like you try to force yourself to fantasize about boys and that might indicate that you do not desire boys. Girls you do seem to desire, however, since your thoughts seem to drift off to girls naturally. About the abs part; I don't know if it means anything that you felt funny once when you touched a guys abs since everything else you've said seems to indicate that you are not attracted to men. You also do not seem to take intimacy with boys seriously. I'd say you're most likely a lesbian, however, I am not you so in the end you must figure out your sexuality yourself. You know what you're feeling better than anyone else.
Well here's the thing. I really don't know. I'll admit it seems like I'd force myself, but I just keep telling myself it's just a phase or it's not normal. I know being gay is normal but idk, I feel like I'm not legitimate because I had no idea that I'd like girls before! When I was little even around 11-12 I never questionned myself, or noticed a same sex attraction! It's so sudden. Maybe I ran into conclusions too fast..? Maybe I'm just not ready to be with a guy? But I don't think I'm scared of boys in any sorts. When a find a guy cute I don't want to, idk, kiss him or sleep with him, but with my girls crushes yes...? But there are some exceptions, it's not like I had 0 attraction toward boys! I know that sometimes I can get sexually aroused by them. It's rare but it can happen. I'm sorry, I'm so vague but frankly I'm lost :icon_sad:
That's okay! It can be hard to come to terms with your sexuality. And it's not weird that you didn't know before that you were attracted to girls. Some people realize this early in their lives, some people realize this when they're really old. I realized it at age 20. The age at which you realize your same sex attraction does not have anything to do with if your sexuality is legitimate or not. Your sexuality is valid! All that matters is who you are attracted to. Hmm. When you get sexually aroused by guys, do you want to actually have sex with them then? I know that I can feel sexually aroused around guys, but that's not the same as being attracted to them and wanting to have sex with them.. when they make me uncomfortable, for example, I can feel tingles down there because I feel anxious. Or when you're thinking of sex, for example, you can feel sexually aroused too because when you think about sex your vagina can naturally respond to the sex thought (regardless of whether you actually want to make the sex thought a reality.... when you focus on your right thumb, for example, you will start to feel it. Sex thoughts can trigger the same response in your vagina since your brain associates your vagina with sex). Being sexually aroused by someone is not the same as being sexually attracted to someone. For example, a rapist can sexually arouse their victim by touching them because that is how your body reacts when someone touches it. This does not mean that the victim is sexually attracted to the rapist or wants to be raped, however. And sometimes, you can feel sexually aroused randomly. Since you seem to force yourself to fantasize about guys, I'd say you're not really sexually attracted to guys. But, maybe a few guys could be the exception to the rule for you, of course. However, do know that what matters when defining your sexuality is who you want to be with! Do you want to kiss girls? Have sex with girls? Date girls? Do you want the same with guys? I'm not asking if you'd mind to this with guys, but I'm asking if you actually want to do it. Because that is what matters. I don't think that I'd mind kissing a guy under the right circumstances, but is it something that I desire and want to seek out? No, not at all. That's how I know that I'm a lesbian. I don't think that you're not ready to be with a guy, because I believe that your sexuality is hardwired and therefore won't change. But, maybe this is not true for everyone, so maybe you will like guys later on... but, I wouldn't count on it to be honest, because you'll probably give yourself false hope since there are very few people who claim that their sexuality changed over time. ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2017 at 11:44 AM ---------- Anyway, don't stress yourself out too much about this! There's no rush to figure out your sexuality. Take your time.
Ok I thought about this and chat with one of my best friend about it. I know that I didn't like kissing that guy, but when it turned into something more sexual, I was a bit into it. And I can see myself sleeping with a guy. Sometimes I feel like I want to. But starting like a solid relationship with one? It can happens, yeah, but I'd clearly prefer to date a girl. So I think I'm hella confused but in a path to the lesbian way, aha. Tho, I want to experiment with both gender. I think I need to try it out to know for sure, I need to prove to myself who I really like more. When I daydream about a future relationship, sometimes boys take the place of girls. It's odd but I try to think about it. It's less exciting but Im open to the idea. I just don't know what I want with the dudes, but I want to be with a girl for sure. SO yeah, thanks again for trying to help my f up self!
don't worry. you are only 15! But also i can totally relate. I am a feminine lesbian, cheerleader in highschool. and now im in my mid- 20s. and i can totally relate to how you feel. I consider myself a lesbian, however i do still find men attractive. this kind of fluctuates tho... sometimes i am like ew guys, but other times i am like ok he's attractive, other times i think its in a way im jealous because i wish i could feel like what it is to be a man and have a dick sometimes. I have hooked up with men plenty of times...but its just my attraction to men never compares to my overwhelming attraction to women i find attractive. As well, when i have had sex or whatever with guys, sometimes its been "ehhh ok", but when it is with a woman who i am super into, it is " AMAZING". this is what tells me in my mind that i am a lesbian. Numerous times i have hooked up with guys who i thought were attractive, or i guess you could say a "mini crush" on, but then its like while we are hooking up i dont feel any romantic feelings. Im not usually disgusted by men, well sometimes i am, but i could still hook up with a guy and still feel like a lesbian. sex is sex and attraction is attraction, but i think what tells you what you are is pretty much who you have that stronger desire for and who gives you butterflies and all those feelings. hope this helps!! :icon_bigg
I would'nt get hung up on whether you should/could only like boys or girls. Avoid putting a label on yourself. So, you didn't get butterflies kissing that guy. I'm sure the same could be said if you were kissing a girl. You won't connect with every boy or girl that you come across. Just relax a little and let yourself explore things.
