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My first kiss with a guy

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jacob D, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. Jacob D

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    Hi all, it's me Jacob. As some of you know, I took to heart a lot of the good advice I received from members on my other threads and recently began to explore and experiment much further with my sexuality to find answers regarding my sexual orientation. I started having doubts about my orientation around the first week of January (I think it was this date) so it's been about a month now that I've been confused. Prior to having these doubts, I used to be secure and confident as a straight guy and never once doubted or questioned this. I love women and enjoy having sex with them when I'm in a relationship with them (I'm a relationship kind of guy). This I've always known. But things slowly began to change and started to become confusing for me after striking a FWB arrangement with my best friend Brandon back in November. At first the arrangement was fine and I wasn't confused and there wasn't any doubts over my orientation. He would give me oral sex (better than any ex-girlfriend) and I'd give him the occasional handjob (it never excited me). That was pretty much it. But then around the first week of January, the confusion and doubts kicked in (because the blowjobs felt way too good), which led me to taking advice and deciding to go on a journey of exploration and experimentation. I've been taking this journey at a slow speed and letting things happen naturally.

    And so Brandon began cuddling with me and I liked it, a lot. Him cuddling with me was like cuddling with a female except for the scent of cologne instead of the scent of perfume. I felt no real difference and I enjoyed it and want to continue doing this with Brandon. But last night when he cuddled with me things took a different turn, Brandon kissed me on the lips for the very first time. I didn't stop it, I didn't even think of anything really and I let him kiss me. I wasn't grossed out or disgusted, I wasn't angry either. I was a little nervous at first but then I found myself kissing him back. But here's the thing, I didn't feel anything special after kissing the first guy in my entire life. I felt no magic, no firecrackers went off. There was no real chemistry. I expected something big to happen but it was the opposite of what I thought. Sure Brandon is a good kisser and I'm happy we kissed, I just didn't feel what I feel when I kiss with females. The magic wasn't there when it came to kissing a guy. As part of my journey I have no regret though. I'm very proud of myself for taking a chance, trying something new and different for me, and learning from it. Maybe a one time kiss is hard to judge, I really don't know. I don't have much experience when it comes to being with another guy. Brandon's my first male experience and I'm glad to be able to explore and experiment with a guy I trust completely. He's been very supportive and understanding and he wants to help me figure out my sexual orientation. My journey is not over. I still haven't figured out if I'm straight or bisexual or gay.
     
  2. Totesgaybrah

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    You are having a very interesting journey and I have enjoyed reading about it, thanks. Keep us updated.:smilewave
     
  3. Jacob D

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    Thank you :slight_smile:
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Jacob,

    Good to know that you are letting things flow!

    I would just hope that you are continuing to have open, 2-way communication with Brandon and that you let him know that you didn't have any special feelings after the kiss - i.e. that there was no 'spark' in terms of romantic or sexual attraction. I remain concerned that he may develop a crush on you again - and the fact that he spontaneously kissed you (especially without asking) indicated, to me, that he is developing romantic feelings for you again.

    I think it's great for you to explore this side of your sexuality with him, but not at his expense. Just a continuing word of caution.:slight_smile:
     
  5. Jacob D

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    Hi Quantumreality. Have no fears, both Brandon and I have an amazing 2-way communication. We discuss everything together under the sun. There are no secrets between us. Last night I told him I felt no spark, no magic. He respected my honesty. As for the crush thing or him falling in love with me, he has assured me yet again that he is not shopping for a boyfriend. He tells me I'm cute, that I'm sexy and that he loves my lean athletic body but he claims he's not in love with me.
     
  6. justin88

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    I'm very facinated by your story as I've been through something similar! I wish I had any sound advice to give you but you seem to be handling it well! Best of luck to you on your journey! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Jacob D

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    Quantumreality, I found this statement of yours offensive to me: " I think it's great for you to explore this side of your sexuality with him, but not at his expense. Just a continuing word of caution."

    I would never hurt Brandon or anyone else for that matter. I am not that type and will never be that type of person. I've never led any girl on and I would never lead Brandon on either. I do not hurt people at their expense, I'm not that kind of guy. If Brandon were to develop a crush on me again, I would be the first person to know this because we talk about everything and I mean everything and he told me he would tell me. I can't help feeling that you have have judged me and I don't like it. I would never hurt or lead on a person who I care about and who I really like.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 12:19 PM ----------

    Thank you Justin88. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    Hey Jacob,

    I certainly apologize if I offended you.

    All I was doing was cautioning against letting him get emotionally attached to you while you are not developing an emotional attachment to him. I wasn't accusing you of anything at all.

    I think it's wonderful that you are exploring this side yourself with Brandon.:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 03:44 PM ----------

    To be clear, I was not judging you in the least. The fact that Brandon just kissed you – without asking if you would like to try kissing him – seemed to me like a sign that he may very well be developing romantic feelings for you again. That wouldn’t be your fault and certainly not your intent.

    We can’t really control when we ‘fall’ for someone or who we ‘fall’ for. Brandon may very well not be starting to feel romantically attracted to you again. He may also just not yet consciously realize it if he is. By maintaining constant 2-way communication, you, yourself, are doing everything possible to preclude any misunderstanding.
     
  9. Patrick7269

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    To add my quick thought -

    I think you're already handling this really well. However sometimes (often) with these situations and exploration it's really easy to misunderstand or unintentionally do something that can be misconstrued. I took QR's comment toward that end, not that you would intentionally mislead.

    As for the experience itself, kissing for me is sometimes incredible and sometimes meh. It can occupy a broad range of sensations and emotions without meaning anything for your orientation. However this experience is one valid data point I would say.

    Way to go!

    Patrick
     
  10. Jacob D

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    Quantumreality, I accept your apology. Brandon kissed me this is true, but he did so as a test and not as a sign that he is developing romantic feelings for me again. We talk about everything under the sun, we have no secrets, I can't stress this point enough to you. If and when he develops romantic feelings, I will be the first to know and if this should happen he and I will deal with it. We talk about everything. There are no secrets between us.

    Hi Patrick7269. There will be no misunderstandings or unintentional things or anything that can be considered misconstrued between Brandon and I. We talk and discuss everything. We are very close. There are no secrets between us. We have a great friendship and we communicate very well with each other openly and honestly. As for the kiss itself, it wasn't special. No magic. No fireworks. No real chemistry. And I told him all of this and he respected my honesty. The kiss was a test and it was okay, it was nice, but nothing special. Kissing a female is a whole different thing for me but my first kiss with a male was a positive experience and a valuable lesson. I regret nothing.
     
  11. bunnydee

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    Jacob,

    You are doing great. You have a wonderful relationship with Brandon. As for not feeling the spark. Could that be because you two Are so close? Friendship, really close friendship just like long-term marriage often loses the 'spark' of initial attraction. I don't see this as a quantifier of your sexual orientation. Just that the two of you are so close/bonded that you are past the fireworks of a budding romance.
     
  12. Jacob D

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    Thank you Bunnydee, I agree this friendship is a wonderful one.You could be right about me not feeling a spark during our kiss because of us being too close or because of our tight bond. I really don't know. I certainly never thought of any of that. Thanks for sharing this and for the support you have given. :slight_smile:
     
  13. JonSomebody

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    I am soooo proud of Jacob!!!! and in regard to not really feeling anything with your first kiss with Brandon..I may be wrong..but I'm going to say that its a possibility that you may had some apprehension in the back of your mind when it was happening which allowed you not to grasp the full effect of the kiss. The reason I say this is because you had mentioned that Brandon was a good kisser. See what I mean??? ...No big deal though. I will say that if you go further to try it again with Brandon...it will be a better experience for you. However, AGAIN!!!...I could be wrong with my analogy of the situation but I just wanted to offer you another perspective of looking at the situation. Still you are doing an awesome job...and Brandon too is showing how much he really cares about your friendship and the bond that you two have by supporting you to the fullest during your journey. Awesome!!!!!...BTW...when you had mentioned in your initial post that "He tells me I'm cute, that I'm sexy and that he loves my lean athletic body but he claims he's not in love with me"...well...I'm not in love..but in LUST!!!...haha...lol...joking u know me by now..have to make you smile or laugh through it all...JS
     
  14. Jacob D

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    Hi JonSomebody. You could be right about there having been some apprehension, it's possible. As for trying the kiss again with Brandon, I'm open to that. Thank you for the perspective on this.

    The last part regarding lust gave me a good laugh. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Totesgaybrah

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    :lol:Glad I'm not the only one.:icon_redf
     
  16. Jacob D

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    Hi Totesgaybrah, can I ask you a serious question? Do you think that Brandon is only lusting after my looks and body? I don't believe lust is a bad thing, I was just wondering what your opinion might be.
     
  17. bunnydee

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    I know you didn't ask me that question Jacob. But from what you have posted about Brandon, he is not just lusting after you. You two do many things together that you have mentioned in your posts outside of the physical, sexual parts. I think you are two very good friends from both sides. You enjoy spending time together regardless of what you are doing.
     
  18. Jacob D

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    Thank you Bunnydee. You are absolutely right. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Totesgaybrah

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    No I don't, I'm sure your looks are not hurting anything but I'm also sure that he likes you for who you are as a person. I'm also betting that even though he says hes not looking for a boyfriend that he would be open to a romantic relationship with you. You two have a very close friendship that is getting closer by the day, IMO it would be very difficult for him to not have real feelings for you.

    I think that he really likes you but does not want to pressure you into anything or scare you off. I've crushed on my straight friends in the past but I never did anything about it for fear of losing that friendship (I never had a friend as open and honest as you though). I think you both are handling everything properly, and I believe you both value your friendship equally.

    I wish you both the best of luck!
     
  20. Jacob D

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    Thank you Totesgaybrah. Many things you said are true about me and him and other things you mentioned are things I will need to think about.