Hey there. So I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize that I'm actually a lesbian. Thinking about it, there were signs but I don't believe I was comfortable with the idea for the longest time. I was already so different. But when I was a kid, I would have this one girl-friend and we would play doctor a lot and it was always exciting. But then the neighborhood kids would make fun of us and I thought being a lesbian was a bad thing. Mind you, I was 5-7 years old. Moving on, I never had boy crushes or boy crazy. I've been approached by a guys a lot but I've turned every single one of them down. Even if I could tell they were attractive or I should give them a chance, I could never actually bring myself to do it. I always feel comfortable taking about my non-existent relationship history. Whenever I tell someone I've never had a boyfriend, they always reply, "You'll find a man eventually." I would always think, why do I need a man? Is it really necessary to have someone in your life? Thinking back, I would always obsess over different female celebrities as a kid but I didn't think much of it. Anyway, in different points of time I would find myself attracted to different female celebrities in high school. It was way past the point of being a fan. When I was 15/16 I met this boy and I liked him (but just as a friend) and we hung out for awhile but then he liked me and I couldn't reciprocate. Like I didn't even want to imagine the possibility. Moving towards college, I think I somewhat realized when I had a crush on one of my straight friends in my junior year. Four years passed and I had no relations whatsoever or kisses or pretty much anything. My life was more exciting as a five year old. I went on a date with this one guy but I felt nothing. I've actually made online dating profiles to help me figure out and I'm only ever interested if a girl replies. I actually made a friend from one of the sites and found myself thinking, if things were to go that way it would be great if we could go out and for that to lead to more. I'VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BEFORE especially with all the guys. I thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time but I realized I fall for the person. I remember being either in middle or high school and my mom talking to me about she asked some woman if I was a lesbian? She's also brought that up a few times. B/c I would never talk about boys, ever. Then another time either in high school or college, my grandmother was talking about something and said, "whether it's your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever." I've actually never really told anyone much of anything in regards to my non-existent romantic history. Also for the past few months, I've been obsessed with various LGBT youtubers and artists and I constantly watch their videos and follow them. In the past few years, I've had a lot of girl crushes from like shows and movies. Realizing that I'm crushing on all these girls online and offline, well that's pretty much proof. I'm not really sure if I have a question, but I just wanted to share this with someone who could give me advice on anything really? I don't have anyone I can actually talk to about this. I've told my best friend and that's about it. I kind of thought I was bisexual for a bit, but I really just am not into guys. I also just feel like I'm late to the game, I haven't had experience with anything. I'm not the type of person to be like, well, since everyone has a boyfriend I should just go with whoever comes my way and go out with them. I could never do it and I could never understand why until now. It's just also frustrating because I live with my dad temporarily and he's a huge homophobe. So that's fun. I feel like I'll be able to tell my friends with no problem really (but I'm not ready yet) since a lot of them are either gay, bi, transgender or accepting. It's just my family that's the problem since I can't be myself and all. I also can't talk to my mom because she is actually really emotionally abusive and I cut off ties with her. Actually, both my parents are. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable going on and meeting women or anything because I'm living with family and pretty much have very little independence along with no car. At the same time, I want to go out and meet people since all I do is work and errands. So that's everything I just wanted to say. Thanks for reading/listening.
Hello Nilahhh, It's often for you to see the signs way back when to determine your sexual orientation. I know what it's like. Just know how you feel now is perfectly fine. I'm not sure if you're looking for support or tips or guidance but if you're dependant on your family still fiancially or going to college-focus on that first while checking out a lgbtq club maybe. Or, there's this site call Meetup (in my country) and it caters to Lgbtqq groups as well. Whatever the case, there's no real time line to have things done (such as first kiss, dating, sex, marriage etc). Just be you and make sure you love yourself first and are confidant when you want to bring up the topic. That's the number one thing I can give you as of now since I never had that confidance growing up and I paid the price dearly. Stay strong, you sound like a very smart young lady
Hey there, I don't really have any sound advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Especially in feeling that you are late to the game. Cheers to self discovery and acceptance !:eusa_danc
