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Would like a bit of help with my situation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by hin, Feb 3, 2017.

  1. hin

    hin
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    Hi everyone.
    I've posted a few times here in the past, but I was dealing with pretty intense anxiety at the time. So I may have missed out a few things. I want to come back and give a more in depth, honest account of my experience and see what all you nice people think.

    Ok, so up until maybe just over a year ago I was 100% confident in my sexuality and who I was. I grew up as a pretty confident kid, always pretty chatty and usually got along with everyone. Through my teenage years I had a total of 3 girlfriends, though I was never really one to actively seek out girls. I never got involved with the constant talking and pursuing of girls that the other guys had. I was never interested in pursuing girls, though I usually had some sort of a girlfriend. I have had a number of what I call crushes on girls in the past. For instance, I was pretty emotionally interested in a girl at the age around 13 and we would hang out a lot. I remember we used to hang out and I would feel like my heart was on my sleeve, but I never really had the urge to kiss her. I had another long term girlfriend from the age of 14 - 19. We were on and off through those years but I never really stopped liking her. We had a pretty strong relationship from 16-19 but it ended in the first term of college as we saw a lot less of each other and sadly she cheated on me. We had a big talk at the end of it all, and we made these stupid rules about not getting with certain other people so to avoid hurting each other etc.

    Anyway, I didn't pursue anyone else over the course of my first year of college, though having a few chances. I just didn't really have the urge or want to. I still talked to my ex somewhat regularly and we met up from time to time as well.
    It was coming in to the summer of first year of college that I started to have doubts about my sexuality. I had a bit of a drinking problem for a while, and apparently I did a few stupid things while drunk. One thing for instance was kissing a guy friend of mine on the lips while pretty drunk.. I didn't think anything of it at the time and I only thought of it as 'experimenting.' Though, according to one of my friends I am 'pretty gay when drunk.' I also had a pink phone case at the time and had began wondering what it would be like to actually kiss a guy. As another person said to me 'You wouldn't mind kissing a guy right? C'mon, you can admit it.' I didn't actually give an answer, but I considered it. I guess I would have called myself bi-curious, as I could recognise when a guy was good looking and didnt mind saying it..

    So I started questioning my sexuality, but still had pretty strong feelings for this ex of mine. Over that summer I went on a trip with a few friends of mine and had a great time. Towards the end of the trip a friend of mine started telling me that I'm gay. And that I should accept it and come out etc. He would say things like 'go homo' or 'how are you coming to terms with your new sexuality?' I was kind of shocked at what he said and denied it, though thought about it a bit more. Kind of annoyed me that he started telling everyone this and I became a bit paranoid that everyone was thinking it. Came back to college, things were going fine. And then a guy friend of mine began to be really creepy sexually towards me. Sending suggestive messages and pretty much sexually harassing me. At the same time as this, a few other guy friends of mine tried to kiss me. I became really really confused and got a really intense bout of anxiety which lasted close to a year. The anxiety was fed constantly by the guy who was creepy towards me, as I lived with him. He would wait outside of his room for me every night before I went to sleep and really messed with my head.
    The thing is, me and this guy were literally best friends. We went to boarding school together and literally lived with each other for 7 years. We could talk about crap all day long and were genuinely great friends. We had what I would have called a 'bromance'. Like, we did funny 'honeymoon' pictures when on holiday once and shoved cake in each others faces. I also remember once when i had broken up with my girlfriend and felt sad, so I spooned my friend... I have figured out that he is probably gay, and is really interested in me, he probably just hoped that I felt the same so spread the rumour that I was gay.

    So, I had an intense bout of anxiety for a year. I also had a bit of paranoia, thinking that everyone thought I was gay because of what had happened. I started to think 'everyone else can see it, so why can't you?' I failed my college year and kind of alienated myself from my friends. While in my anxiety spikes I would constantly 'check' whether I was attracted to guys or girls or whatever. I would watch gay porn a lot just to see if I was ever attracted to it (never have been to this day) and look at guys on the street to see if I was interested. Though, when I was relaxed and felt like myself I am much more interested in straight porn. (I know it's a bad indicator, but I thought I should mention it). So I started going to a therapist, and my anxiety has been a lot better recently, but I still question my sexuality. It seems that everyone I meet seems to think that I'm gay. Have had people come up to me and tell me that 'it's ok, we don't care' and things like that. But I'm really not sure. I have found myself getting an erection around guys maybe once or twice while 'testing myself'. Though I was consciously trying to be aroused.

    So i don't know. I have started to see another girl, I am sexually attracted to her but I'm pretty guarded emotionally at the moment so i don't really feel a connection. Or maybe we just don't have much of an emotional connection. I could be bi, but the situation with my friend freaked me out and scared me away from it. I feel that I am more attracted to girls though.. I don't really know. What do you all think?(!)
     
  2. YermanTom

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    This is just my opinion.

    First, your "best friend" is behaving like a right dick and he needs to be told that he behaving like a dick. :tantrum:

    It doesn't matter what other people think, their opinion is just an opinion based on gossip. A lot of people think I'm straight! that's their problem.:eusa_doh:

    All that matters is the you and who you love, sod what other people think.

    I do think you probably answered the question yourself "I could be bi, but ......... I feel that I am more attracted to girls though.."

    Personally I wouldn't over think things ..... just let things happen and you will met someone that will answer the question when you fall in love with them.
     
  3. hin

    hin
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    Right. Yea I know my friend is behaving like an asshole.. It's just kind of messed me up because I can't be myself. Whenever I try to be myself he becomes really flirty with me and I can see that he has these big longing eyes when looking at me. I have just become really quiet around my friends now because of the situation. Whenever he is around I begin to question myself and everything I do because he has said so many underhand things to me that I have become really introspective. I have kind of lost myself, not really knowing how to act around him or my friends.

    He began to get angry with me saying that I'm 'the gayest, because I'm the least gay' and would get angry at me for being quiet or hanging out with my other guy friends instead of him. Everything I do now I think twice about because of this situation. Should I be more gay? How should I be acting?

    I know I probably sound like a bit of a pushover, and I guess I am. Have never really been one for conflict. But I kind of want to get back to the old me. I don't want to overthink things, but because of the situation I found myself in and the way I was treated I do overthink things, because he kept on badgering me and making me think about the small things and quirks in my character.

    I just kind of want to know if I am gay or not. So many people tell me that I am.. I want to be able to hang out with my friends as I did before, without the constant questioning. At this point, I don't know if it is mostly driven by my friend and what he has said. Or if it is genuine curiosity on my part. :bang:
    The self tests I have done have me pointing towards the straight end of the spectrum. I don't want to experiment and then solidify in the mind the opinion of a lot of people who already assume that I am gay..
    Maybe some of this relates to someone else's story out there?
     
    #3 hin, Feb 6, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2017
  4. NotSureAboutMch

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    Being one that spends waaaaay too much time in my head, I can relate to the confusion. The only fix to that is to get quiet. Find something that will calm your mind. The other thing is that your friend sounds obnoxious. No one should ever 'out' someone like that. And being a creeper is just weird. Maybe he has feelings for you. Maybe he just gets off on messing with people. Maybe something in between. End of the day, though, you aren't doing yourself any good being around that. Supportive friends are worth more than gold. People that can step back and help you be you without expectation of something in return. Do you have anyone like that in your life? As for your orientation. You don't know. Not really. It sounds like either way, there are a lot of people that support you. I'd spend more time with them. My guess is that will calm your mind down too and help you figure yourself out.