Trigger warnings: mention of mental health issues (including ideation and self harm) Ha ha, okay so I made a little post a couple of days back mentioning this subject. But the basics of the situation are: -I recently broke up from a long term relationship with a girl (sort of because I am lacking a doo-dah ^^'). -Less than a month later a guy starts flirting with me and I'm not deterred by it like I usually would be. -In my last post I said it was only a sort of crush. Now to present day: I think I've developed pretty strong feelings for this guy, but the thing is I DON'T WANT THEM. I'm almost certain this is me displacing my feelings onto another person, tbh I don't really know what love is. I think the closest I got to it was in my last relationship because I cared so much about my last partner and their wellbeing-even to this day when they now blank me (despite previously being good friends before dating as well :/) I always make fun of myself for saying I'm in love, I'm pretty sure I'm not really capable of reaching that level of emotion but idk...it's all so confusing. And now there's this guy who I can't get out of my head. It's weird because I explained my situation to him and yet he still persists to flirt with me, surely he must realize he's putting himself at risk of becoming someone's rebound? I don't really understand how he really feels about me, he's sort of flirty with everyone but he's said some stuff to me that sort of goes beyond the boundary of just general flirting. But next thing I know he's broken down in tears and called me 15 times when I started having a bad mental episode the other weekend. Like usually most people wouldn't want to have to deal with that but he was really worried, perhaps as a friend? But crying? I know when my friends are suffering in that sense it can hurt a little bit because I don't want them to be unhappy but I usually remain composed in order to help them the best I can. The only time I've cried about that situation was when my ex was depressed or suicidal because my feelings for them were so strong...Although no matter why he cried I still felt terrible for it, he shouldn't had have to suffer for me being selfish and get caught up in my own stupid emotions and stuff. He's actually been virtually present to several of my breakdowns (one of which I badly cut up my hand) and I'm wondering if maybe I'm appealing as a person because I seem weak and need protecting. Of course I'm not weak, I use the pain as a release, try to clear my mind with it, I'm not proud of it, I hate having to resort to it, but for me it's better than crying. However, I've been having more episodes because the breakup isn't the only stress I'm going through. I've been trying to support other people (many in much worse situations than myself), whilst trying to avoid others who have acted hostile towards me for not being able to commit to them 24/7, and I'm on an work intensive course at university (second year) to top it all off. My only ways of coping are either drinking (which I'm technically not meant to go overboard on-on account of a chronic condition ^^') or otherwise cutting when I feel like I may have another big episode. I suspected most people would be put off with someone who's such a handful as myself when I do get in a bit of a state, but he's still sticking around :/ I'm beginning to get in pretty deep now though, getting a bit jealous when he's flirty with other people, not being able to think straight (lol) all the time, sighing and stupid cliché stuff like that. I've got to push him away right? Otherwise one of us is going to get hurt and that's pretty much the story of all my relationships even though I tried so hard to protect my partners. I've actually tried to get him to go several times, dropping shocking information (such as my self harm) right off the bat to try and get him to back off, but he just seems to come back even more determined and I'm like 'NO, STOP, THIS IS AN ANNOYINGLY ATTRACTIVE TRAIT STOP TRYING TO STICK BY ME YOU FOOL' Wow this is such a long post X'D feel free to muse or comment as you will, this is a sort of vent, I can't really talk to this with anyone I know, I'm scared of being judged by my friends for liking someone else so quickly after the previous relationship (although my ex already found a new partner just days after the breakup which I suspect may have already been conspiring before we officially ended it-oops ^^''')
