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Meeting a gay man for the first time and I'm nervous

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NotSureAboutMch, Feb 8, 2017.

  1. NotSureAboutMch

    Regular Member

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    Hello all,

    Tomorrow night I'm meeting with a friend of a friend. He is gay. I've avoided gay men all my life. Too scary to be near them. Too many confusing feelings. This is the first time I'll sit down with a gay man and talk about my questioning. My feelings. My confusion. I really hope I find some answers. I'm sure I will. Probably not as many as I want, but the ones I find will be more meaningful than I expect. That seems to be how life goes.

    This is a big wall that's coming down. It's me accepting a huge part of myself and saying it's ok. Even if right now I'm just accepting that I'm questioning. It feels like I'm two people right now. One is the one that can't be gay. The one that rewrites my thoughts. Explains everything away.
    The other is the newer me that has worked really hard to accept myself no matter who I am attracted to. No matter who I love.
    I've done a lot of hard hard work in the last few months. I've told 5 people now that I'm questioning. All of them have been very supportive. They want me to be happy. End of story. That feels great. These friends have offered to take calls at 3am and have me sleep on their couch if things get bad for me. They've offered help if I need it.
    It's the internal struggle that makes this so hard. I spend a lot of time worrying about why I have the feelings I have. I wanted to kiss a man. Why? Is it that because I'm gay or that I'm compensating for my messed up childhood? I've analyzed my thoughts ad nauseum. Tomorrow I take a step towards, "I sometimes have the desire to kiss a man. That's who I am." And see where that leads. Living and feeling instead of thinking and worrying.
    Maybe that's why this feels so weird. I'm MUCH better at thinking and worrying than living.

    So, I'm really nervous. This is the step I COULD NOT FACE all my life. This is the wall that has to come down if I'm going to have a good relationship someday. I almost want to run away and just not have relationships.

    Any encouragement from all of you would be welcome.
    -nsam
     
  2. AnAtypicalGuy

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    Take it easy, and be proud of this achievement. No matter what happens, know that you've taken a significant step to accepting yourself, and potentially changing your life for the better.
     
  3. Jax12

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    Ahh yes, I remember this. Having a good support group really goes a long way, it truly does. I always had the expectation that I would accept myself in no time but truth be told, I'm still trying to accept myself. While there hasn't been noticeable difference day by day, when I look back 2 years ago, I've grown as an individual and I am not longer sad or upset that I am gay. I've been much happier than I was 2 years ago.

    Give yourself time, surround yourself with good supportive people, and you'll do great :slight_smile:
     
  4. NotSureAboutMch

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    Thanks people. I had a good conversation with him for about an hour and a half. Little things that he said, almost offhand, gave me things to think about. It was a good first step.

    Jax, I completely get the time thing. I'd like to have a big epiphany and "know myself", but that's not realistic. I'm just letting things be. I was kind of attracted to him. Then I wasn't. Then I was and thinking of all the thoughts I've had about men in my life. Then all that went away and I thought about a girl at work. That's in the last 3 hours. This. Will. Not. Be. Quick. I know that. I'm actually kind of ok with it. It feels more like a personal adventure to me right now.
    It's really good that I've been expanding the number of people that know I'm questioning. The world feels safer. It feels safer to have any thoughts and feelings I might have knowing I have multiple avenues of support.
     
  5. Jax12

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    ^ Its quite the adventure, absolutely. It's great to look back at what you've accomplished and see where you are right now.