I've been having some confusion regarding my romantic and sexual orientation in general. I've talked a bit about my concerns about this in earlier posts here on EC. But for people who haven't followed my posts, I'll share a bit about it here. I've felt that I'm sexually attracted to girls and guys. In terms of "sexual activity" I've had, I have had only received mutual masturbation from guys mostly and one attempt of oral sex(I was wearing compression shorts when that happened). I've had sexual fantasies involving three ways between myself, my close friend, and my friend's close female friend. I never had three way but the fantasy was there. I've had sexual fantasies involving female celebrities, no male ones. And general sexual fantasies involving women near my age over the years or sexual attraction to women. My preference to males seems a little interesting. Whenever I've been close with certain male friends, I've had some emotional closeness about it. Not every male friend I've had has been like that, rather the ones I had some sort connection of sorts. Basically, if they had some emotional connection for me. I don't have sexual fantasies of every male friend I have had, rather it's been towards about 3 male friends of the past 6 years. It's a mixture of bromance feelings, sexual fantasies, and platonic feelings I've had over these guys. I never had sex with these guys but I did find their sexuality to be ambiguous. My romantic preference seems interesting also. I don't have no clear cut romantic feelings towards women. I mean, I don't picture in my mind every night of taking a girl out to a fancy resturant to wine and dine her, you know. I prefer maybe meeting up a girl for a movie and doing something like that, and spending the night together. But in terms of dating experience of a girl it's 0.0%. With a guy, my "dating experience" is about 10%. A friend I had last year would pick me up a couple of times for drinks and pay for them. I felt head over heels over him because he fit my preference for guys(I've talked about this a lot last year, don't need to explain this over again). And he and I "drunk kissed" twice and it really screwed with my emotions over him and stuff. No, I didn't have sex with him but the fantasy was there though. And this guy was "straight" but the way he acted and how he kissed me, made me think if he was within some shades of bisexuality. Just a quick question: Can alcohol cause incidental homosexual episodes on "straight" people or lose inhibitions? My romantic orientation is confusing: I never dated women. I consider the "dates" I had with my friend as "dates" just an overlaping bromance. Tho emotional connections to close male friends in general. And I had some emotional fantasies of finding the right guy around my age and living in some posh lifestyle. Not really about the sex just about emotional connection more of. I've thought my overall self to be bisexual and homoromantic or mostly straight homoromatic. Though, I don't have emotional connections to every guy I see just specific guy that strike something for me. Women in general maybe would interest me but mostly as a sexual attraction. Maybe some emotional attraction but I haven't really found a girl that I liked and dated that I settled down with.
It's not clear exactly what you're asking for here. Are you seeking input or thoughts about where your orientation might actually lie, or something else? If you can clarify what you're asking, it will be easier to provide a helpful response.
Sometimes romantic and sexual oriantations are split. If you read into it, it's because they come from different sources evolutionatily. Sexual feelings are what they are. Chemistry. Romatic feelings developed from bond between mother and baby and have a lot to do with who we click with as people. It also works like... sexual attraction can trigger an emotional bond, and a deep emotional bond can make you feel sexual towards someone. So it's complicated. I've been wondering about it myself, because my orientation is confusing and I feel somewhat similar but the other way round.
Well I can tell you first hand I get it , I am still married with kids and all and past several years been having sex with guys obviously discretely and not proud of it but , as I go through life realized I had physical attractions to guys as well. Wife has found out and we are dealing with it and marriage with therapist . No resolution and not easy one by but it is very real
There's actually no credible support among professionals, researchers, or in the existing literature for the idea of there being a split between sexual and romantic orientation. Most commonly, anecdotally, it appears that what people commonly describe as "romantic attraction" is more commonly known as emotionally intimate friendship. It appears that the people who describe this split are usually somewhere in the process of accepting their same-sex attraction, and the splitting of romantic and sexual orientation serves as a bridge during the 'bargaining' phase of self-acceptance, in much the way that the improper use of the 'bisexual' label used to commonly be used as people were coming to same-sex attraction acceptance. So generally, for people trying to figure themselves out, these unrecognized identities cause more confusion than actually helping resolve the situation. That said, anyone can choose any label they wish, so if a given label works, it's not my place nor anyone else's to tell them they aren't entitled to use it. It's just important to have some context when one is exploring labels. OP, if you can clarify what you're seeking from the original post, people are more likely to be able to offer useful advice.
I'm a little confused on labeling myself in determining my sexual and romantic orientation. I feel that I'm bi sexual or bi curious somewhat based on my original post. I feel as though I'm homoromantic in terms of the closeness of bromances I have had with close guy friends. Though I have a few romantic(emotional) fantasies over close male friends or guys near my age.
OK, so what you're experiencing is pretty common for people in the early stages of considering that they may not be straight. I'd suggest first, for the moment, tossing the idea of the separation and looking at where your attractions lie. So what I think I hear you saying is that you have some sexual experiences with guys, but none with girls. You have a desire to live with the right guy, but not necessarily to have sex with him. And you feel a strong emotional connection to guys, but not so much to girls. Very often, as we consider the idea we may not be straight, there's an argument going on between our conscious and unconscious selves. No one wants to be gay; society still sends us all sorts of messages through media, organized religion, and, recently, political leadership, that being gay is wrong. Who wants that? So our conscious response is always going to be to try our hardest not to be gay. Our unconscious, on the other hand, doesn't care about that and is attracted to whatever it's attracted to. The result is the stages of loss (of perception we're straight, in this case) that helps to resolve the disconnect between the two. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Very commonly, conscious mind is essentially putting up a block to accepting the same-sex attraction. And in the bargaining stage, this can totally look like "OK, I like being around guys, I could see myself living my life with a guy, but this sex thing is kinda gross, so that's a no." It's a rationalization that keeps us from accepting that we're gay. Now... in your case, I'm not saying you're gay. You'd still need to explore a bit more about your attraction to women. And the best way of doing that is with your masturbation fantasies. Try out, in different sessions, masturbating thinking about guys. Maybe fantasizing about the guys you've had mutual masturbation and oral with. Or maybe someone else. And then, separately, do the same thing, thinking about girls. And then, try masturbating without any particular fantasy in mind and see where your mind takes you if you don't think about it. Usually, from doing this, a pattern emerges: One or the other is more arousing and exciting, and the orgasm is more intense. Or, if both are equally exciting, then you're likely closer to bisexual. Also common is a sense of guilt or disgust after ejaculation if the fantasy is about a same-sex partner. This, too, is conscious trying to reject what unconscious is experiencing; a straight person won't be aroused during masturbation thinking about guys. Ultimately, this is something that may take some time to figure out, and you're the only one that can know for sure. But I think practicing this a bit, and then (if you're comfortable doing so) talking about what the experience was like, will help considerably with getting a clear picture.
Whatever the science behind, labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. Maybe time will show something different than now emerge? Or maybe not. However frustrating it is, it's sometimes best to not try to pin down but go with the flow. And btw, I don't see how I could make it, personally, married to someone who is not my best friend. And fantasies don't line up with what I feel in real life at all. So they might not be a good indicator.
I'm not in a position to say definitively what is or isn't possible. And here's something to think about. If you toss the idea of romantic/sexual orientation as being separate, then "bisexual" already covers "homoromantic" and "bisexual", since bisexual includes attraction to both sexes. That said... the fact you're asking that question would, to me, point even more strongly to the idea that you could be looking at this as bargaining. I can't say for sure -- I'm not you -- but what I could interpret it as is "well, ok, I want to admit I like guys, and I kinda like guys more than I like girls, but I don't want to say I'm gay yet." Which... again, is common for people who are in the process of understanding themselves. I'm not saying this is the case for you... only that it is a possibility. Hope that helps.
@Chip. I have masturbated before in the past looking at a female Olympic gymnast I like. I did a few times and I did ejaculate. And I have masturbated to social media images of a close male friend of mine and fantasized about the same male friend as well. I didn't have sex with my close male friend, the only thing remotely close as "intimate" was just holding each other and brushing/running my hand around his hair. It felt like a powerful moment for myself. I don't see that friend anymore because of some personal issues that have arisen. Though, I feel like from that whole experience, I had started to have the realization of being bi-curious/bi because of it. And Chip I was going to ask you something else. I've talked about on my original post but can alcohol distort straight people's judgement. In other words, can they act incidentally homosexual. For instance, I talked about in detail last year, of my other close friend and I's "relationship." For the most part, he's straight(he's been with females for all I know) but he kiss me twice while under the influence of alcohol. And he joked that he and I had sex which didn't happen. It was one time we were drunk and he talked about an another time we drank that it "happened." To the best of my knowledge, we didn't have sex but I feel that alcohol could've distorted a lot of crap for us, if it happened. What I'm getting at was if my friend could've had some feelings of some kind towards me and if so, did alcohol exercise them out? He's straight(he's had girlfriend and has one currently) and I've asked him if he's gay or bi, he's said no. Though he dresses stylish and lives in a posh place, I put him mostly straight, metrosexual.
The issue isn't whether you've masturbated once or twice to a female (or to a male.) The bigger question is (assuming you masturbate fairly regularly) , what do you find yourself masturbating to most of the time? If you use porn, try masturbating without it for a week or two, alternating fantasies between men and women, and see which causes stronger arousal. With regard to the second question, alcohol reduces inhibitions and also clouds judgment. So, for example, for someone who is in an adventurous mood, alcohol might make it easier for him to try kissing a guy. However, in this case, the repeated comments, suggestions that sex may have happened, and so forth would indicate that your friend is likely not completely straight, but probably not open or comfortable enough to admit or talk about it when sober. Will alcohol make someone who's straight have gay sex? No. Not unless there are already tendencies toward a willingness to do that. Alcohol is simply something that lowers inhibitions, not something that alters sexual arousal. By the way... for the record, having one or multiple girlfriends does not make a guy straight. Ask any of the "later in life" folks here who were married for 20 years.
Good morning , wanted to add to this thread , as I stated earlier I am married to woman for 25+ years with three adult kids 21-25, several years ago I had my first experience sexually with a guy and it was somewhat out of blue definitely not planned nor did I seek it out. I was mortified and terrified and filled with guilt so I just put it behind me and didn't think about it much or do anything for many mo the after . It did open my mind to curiosity that I suppose I always had about sex with guys . Needless to say over the years (past five) my sexual encounters went from that first one to massages with happy endings as I in my mind justified that I live a massage which I do , but hey get off at same time . That led To me eventually getting on one of the gay dating apps at first to talk to guys (not ******) to eventually getting courage to Meet . This led to various meetings and sexual encounters . All this time my wife never knew and our marriage while very strong on the outside t everyone was emotionally disconnecting . We never fight , never disliked each other , and have had some ondeffudm times doing amazing things as well. Three successful kids and last one just finished college . Well My wife saw a text five months ago and confronted me . I immediately admitted it , took full responsibility and never blamed her . I told her emotionally I have been very lost and very lonely and she told me so was she which is why we both sank away emotionally. I started therapy for first time in my life and it has helped a lot . I understand the spectrum of sexuality and don't seek a label. I am working on me while we determine if there is an us in our future . My point is this is complicated and I have to make a decision consipisly about my and our future which I believe will release all the repression and confusion . Hope this helps
I usually can masturbate at least once on a day typically. Once a week I masturbate. The last time it happened, I just thought of the male friend I was affectionate it with that I hugged and brushed his hair with my hand. The response felt strong. In terms of masturbating to a female, I haven't done it yet in a while. About the question about my friend, I've been thinking the same way for a while that he wasn't 100% straight. The whole two drunk kisses we had were the first clues plus he "joked" about us having sex which didn't happen. I mean, what straight guy jokes about having sex with another guy. The first kiss we had, he said "I don't care" after he kissed and I told him I was bi. He later claimed he didn't remember that happened but said he "acts differently" when he's drunk. I feel that I wasn't the first guy he's drunk kissed. I've thought for a while that when he's at a certain point drunk, he's incidentally homosexual. He's had romantic and sexual relationships with females but I've theorized he's had some same-sex encounters before. He may deny it, but the proof is there. The only reason why I dwell on this crap for a while, is because he was the first person I actually had full feelings for. And I talked about this person for almost a year on EC. I don't talk to him that much anyone because 1. I sobered up and don't drink anymore; He still drinks though I don't think he should, especially after all we went through. 2. He has a girlfriend and he's focused on that more. 3. I feel like I should "replace" him with someone else. I mean someone better and sober at least. Someone with the same type: White, preppy, youngish looking, early to mid 20s, lives in a posh place. If I could find someone that meets that type, I would be happy. If he's mostly straight or bi and is a good friend. I wouldn't care if we don't have sex or whatever, if he and I become good friends that all I would like.
So... what I'm hearing you say is that most of your masturbation fantasies (at least recent ones) are to males. That in itself is a pretty reliable indicator of where your arousal lies and, by extension, can give you a pretty good indicator of where your sexual orientation likely lies. It sounds like you need to move on and find someone more available than this person. I don't for a moment buy the idea that he's gay only when he's drunk; more likely he's somewhat aware, but in denial, when he's sober, and being drunk allows him to explain it away. But regardless of that... even if he is gay, he's not come to terms with it, and he's attached. Those alone are reasons to move on. Additionally, if you're in recovery (or at least, choosing not to drink), then being around someone who does (and who apparently does so abusively on a fairly frequent basis) isn't helpful to you. So I'd suggest letting him go and putting your energies elsewhere. I can't tell you you're gay -- only you can know that -- but if you are asking my opinion, it seems pretty clear that your sexual arousal and attractions are for guys and not much for girls, so it might make sense to explore relationships with guys and see how that feels.
@Chip. I have masturbated to females in the past but I masturbated about a friend recently. At times, I only masturbate once a week more or less. I'll try masturbating thinking about females again and see how I feel about it. And the person I masturbated to, wasn't the person I was referring about in my OP. Though I did have attachment to both people though. I'm not that worried about the friend I kissed because he has a girlfriend he's with. I only private message him on social media and that's it. I don't get what you mean that "he's attached." I do know that he always kept inviting me out to get drinks with me and everything, I felt like he had borderline feelings for me. I don't think he would ever acknowledge it and that's okay. I began to have feelings for him last year and I never told him that. After all I told you about this guy(and if you followed this from last year), would you have surprised if you thought he and I did have feelings for each other? I believe that I need to "replace" him with someone else in my life because I feel like I need to fill a void that I lost. I'm mean someone who's preppy and White and high class and sober is what I want. I don't care about not having sex. I just want to indulge in a high class life style just minus the alcohol or drugs involved.
Hi there, As far as you asking, "Can alcohol cause incidental homosexual episodes on "straight" people or lose inhibitions?" I would say yes it can as it can bring out the sexual tension between two guys. that being said you also said he would take you out pay for your drinks, and kiss you? Both of those things even when really intoxicated are not behaviors of a totally straight guy at all. From my experience most straight men are terrified of being associated with anything gay or flamboyant so If he kisses you then he must have some feelings for you sensually. The fact that he has a girl friend means little to nothing alot of gay guys have girlfriends just to try it out and see if it works. So bottom line he is at the very least curious for you, he would not kiss you if he did not feel somewhat into you sexually straight guys simply do not go that far into sexual comfort with their friends...I might be wrong if he openly shows that affection to all of his guy friends. Right now I am into this guy myself and I would consider him in the bag for me if he took me out on dates paid for me, cuddled with me, and on top of that kisses me! sadly for me though my interest might be tragically straight because he seems very restrained physically, but Im still gonna stick around and see only time can tell right? And besides only if it goes that far your still light years ahead of a situation like mine at least you know he feels something for you that he probably doesn't with other guys.
I never asked him if he liked me in a romantic or sexual way that never came up. I did ask him, however, if he was gay or bi and he flat out said no. He has told me he'd been with women in sexual and romantic relationships. He boasted about a 4-way he had with 3 Asian women he hooked up with, and a previous hook up he had with a Latina women, he met at a bar. Both kisses that we shared we were both under the influence. He didn't remember the first one, but I did. He just claimed that he "acts differently when he's drunk. He did make the claim that we had sex when he and I were drunk and that really complicated things up. To the best of my memory, we didn't have sex together though he was descriptive on sex we supposedly did. I do not know how he's around his other guy friends because I only met one other guy friend and he's gay. Now if they had some drunken homosexual moment is something I'll never know but it's safe to assume that anything is possible given the whole experiences I had wth him.
