Hi all, you seem like a very friendly bunch of people who are here to support and not judge. I really hope that's true. I need someone to talk to, and while I wait for a therapist with an opening, I figured I could get some feedback online. I am a woman in my 40's. My marriage (to a man) has always been rocky, but lately it is downright horrible, and I have been planning for a long time to get out of it. I have a 5 year old son, and while he was a baby, I felt it was important to stay together so he and his dad could develop a bond. But, things just can't go on as they are now. It's excruciating. We hate each other and can't even be alone in a room together at this point. So, I'm going to be trying to break up my marriage after years of thinking it over. I've been with my husband, K, for 20 years, but I can't do one more. You might as well know, he's the only boyfriend I ever had, and the only person I've had sex with. In the meantime, very recently, I've been turning over in my mind WHY our relationship has failed so spectacularly. I've been focusing on the ways HE has failed me. And believe me, he has a lot to be sorry for. I believe he is a narcissist, and has been so frustrated that he hasn't been able to turn me into what he wanted in a partner. So, his inability to love me unconditionally and his making many unfair demands of me are definitely one source of our problems. So, I'm definitely angry at him. He surely deserves some blame for our issues. However, I've also been doing a lot of introspection. Trying to imagine what I would do if suddenly free of him. Going over in my mind the unrequited loves of my past before K. Trying to figure out why I had no men before him despite ample opportunity. Seriously, I've basically spent the last few weeks, just lying around, depressed, THINKING. And my thoughts have led me to one inevitable conclusion. I'm gay and always have been. I've been walking around in an absolute daze, trying to accept this. I mean, SO MANY things point to this... my likes/dislikes, the way I like to look, my absolute terror of seeming attractive to men, my repulsion at any man's advances, etc. Also, I have this real tendency to develop celebrity crushes... only on beautiful women. I have always explained this away in my head and pushed out any passing sexual thoughts about women. As they say, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I think I've been terrified of being gay since I was a kid, so I've just suppressed it. I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and am highly medicated for it. I am a classical pianist with degrees from top music schools. I stopped performing 10 years ago because I was losing the desire and any inspiration to play. I've been teaching kids ever since. I keep trying to convince myself that's enough for me, but I am clearly unhappy about that too. So here's what I suspect... My anxiety and my inability to play the piano as intensely as I did before meeting K are all because I'm living a lie... I am not inspired... I am just barely limping along at life. Passively accepting what life hits me with. But I'm so TIRED. Tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Tired of avoiding uncomfortable situations. Tired of fearing men. Tired of having awkward friendships with women. Tired of everything. I can't even believe I'm writing all this. I obviously needed to get it out. I'll be meeting up with my wonderful brother this weekend to talk it over. He's awesome and has a gay daughter, so I feel safe talking to him. But I don't want to overburden him since he is in the middle of a divorce himself. So here I am... reaching out... Can you guys help me make sense of all this, and help me talk out my options for how to confirm that this indeed is what is going with me. I've never felt so right about anything, but maybe if you guys ask me some questions to challenge me, the dialogue we have will clarify things for me even more. Thanking you guys in advance. I really need some help.
Sorry to hear about you're current situation, I hope it gets better for you. As for the whole thinking you're a Lesbian thing, do you feel sexual attraction towards women? Do you desire to be in a relationship with one? Do you're sexual fantasies only involve other women? Do you feel a genuine attraction to males? Answer these and post you're response. ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2017 at 09:11 PM ---------- I also just want to say I know about the whole anxiety thing, it really sucks.
I'm 25 and just figuring it out myself. Can't help you with the marriage situation unfortunately, so sorry. But if your husband truly is a narcissist...get you and your kid out of there. I suspect my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and its a terrible thing to be around. Its taken me until adulthood to even realize my mom's behavior growing up was even wrong much less that it might even have a label i can apply to help explain it better. And same on the being gay paragraph! Well, lesbian but still. From a young age i would look at girls but i always just explained it away in my head. Growing up in the south of the USA in a conservative religious family, i just suppressed it for the longest time. In my teen years i didn't date at all, and i explained that away too in my head and to others. Considered myself to be more about academics than boys and that was just fine. It honestly took me until this past year to wrap my head around the fact i find girls attractive and even now its still difficult to acknowledge and accept. Its confusing as hell, really. I had to take a good, long hard look at myself before i could even apply the label 'lesbian' to myself. Lots of porn watching, obviously (i'm allowed to say that, right? tell me if i'm not, i'm new! I'll edit it. If i can figure out how.). I tried to ask myself questions i thought were relevant, like picturing going on a date or flirting with a guy versus a girl, things like that. It was only when i acknowledged the fact that yes i do find girls attractive that i noticed just how often i'll check a girl out when i'm out and about. Mostly cause it was only at that point, when i acknowledged it and admitted to myself its a possibility, it was only then that i let myself. Sorry if this isn't much help at all, i'm trying to figure stuff out too. Its one thing to recognize that i might like girls, but its a totally different beast trying to wrap my head around it. I never imagined it was this difficult figuring it out and getting through it.
Hi Melancholy, I want to welcome you to EC and congratulate you on your first post. I know very well how difficult it is to write those words, and admit (even anonymously) your secret attractions and desires. It's particularly hard because even writing them down at all is an admission - in your mind - of all the fleeting thoughts, fantasies, and wishes you've been suppressing all these years. I have many elements of your story in common with you, especially having been deep in the closet for a 20 year marriage with two kids, and developing depression and anxiety because I was hiding my true self for so long. Where we differ is in the quality of our marriages and spouses. My best advice is to focus on ending the marriage, and then work on yourself. It will take time but you will get past this and life will move forward. Working with a therapist is a great idea, and please do continue to read and post here on EC. It has worked wonders for me. There is a way out, Melancholy. Take things one step at a time. Take care. ride:
Hi Melancholy and welcome to EC. And congratulations on taking the step and find this site and expressing yourself which you have done in a very real and articulate manner. You will find a lot of support here. And I am glad you will be seeing a therapist. I have been in therapy for a while and it has helped me in many areas of my life. A good therapist will allow you to explore your feelings and assist you in living a more authentic life...whatever that may mean for you. I am in my (late) 40's too. I was married to a man for several years (divorced 8 years ago) and was always in straight relationships. About four years ago I developed a strong attraction to a female friend...and started questioning. Long story short, we ended up in a lesbian relationship and I never felt more comfortable and at ease, nothing ever felt so right. And that's when I knew I was a lesbian...the relationship lasted about a year, though we are no longer together. Anyway, I just wanted to comment on a few of your points. Whether you are gay or not, as you have expressed your marriage is broken. You are miserable. You mention that he is a narcissist. I have been in relationships with a narcissist before (initially taken in by their 'charm') and as you know it doesn't suddenly just get better. You also are being introspective and looking at your 'responsibility' in this failed marriage. That takes a true maturity and ownership of your 'stuff'. It's not easy to do and not everyone can. I am glad you have come to the conclusion that you need to leave this marriage, whatever your sexuality. It will be difficult but ultimately you be happier out of this marriage than maintaining the status quo. One line from your post really resonated with me, 'I am barely limping along, passively accepting what life hits me with...' I get it! I too used to be a very 'let life happen to me' person rather than going out and making it happen. I am not totally cured of this type of passive thinking/behavior, but over the past few years I can honestly see progress in becoming more of a 'making a life happen' type person. I think it's just become easier as I have become more comfortable with myself, and I believe this will happen for you too. And actually your decision not to 'limp along' in your marriage any longer IS a step making the the life you want happen. The decision to start therapy is a move in this direction too. So that's two steps already! Don't discount the importance of these! The advice you received so far has been great. Ida97 suggested some great questions to think about. You may not have definitive answers immediately and that's ok, but spend some time thinking about these. I'm glad you will be seeing your 'safe' brother too--it sounds like he will be a great support to you! My very supportive brother is the first person I came out to...he doesn't care if I'm gay, straight or whatever, just that I am happy. And btw, I am out to some people but my coming out journey is still in progress... (always a work in progress!) Keep visiting EC, and if you haven't already check out the 'Late in Life' section of this forum. It really helped me to read stories from others our age who are going through the same sort of things. It definitely has helped me feel less alone!
Melancholy, first of all, I think you should get out of this unhealthy marriage asap. I guess, you're still in initial stages of accepting your LGBT identity and that means you have to be patient with yourself. Don't jump into any definitions and don't take any labels prematurely. It is likely that you're at least bisexual, probably leaning to lesbian side. Why did you decide to marry that man in the first place? How good/bad has been your sexual life with your (still) husband? Do you presently feel any sexual/romantic attraction to women? Can you see yourself in a longterm relationship with a woman? These are all questions you should ponder and answer in order to determine your sexual identity.
Wow, thanks so much for the kind responses. I felt like I was going to burst last night unless I got this off my chest. Your comments have been really helpful and make me feel less alone. A couple of you asked questions which I will try to answer as best as I can. Do you feel sexual attraction towards women? Yes. Do you desire to be in a relationship with one? Not urgently, but I could picture it. Do you're sexual fantasies only involve other women? Well, there's the thing... I've tried to have sexual fantasies over the years, and just felt silly and awkward even thinking about sex. But, in the last couple of weeks, as I've given myself permission to "go there" with women on my mind, I have indeed been very easily aroused. This is new for me, because any passing thoughts I have ever had about touching a woman's body, I have immediately quashed in shame. But something has snapped, and now as I walk around the city, when I see a beautiful woman, my thoughts go straight there. It's freaking me out. I've never been that into men. I thought I just wasn't very sexual, but that didn't really make sense either, because I have always really liked my own body, liked what I see in the mirror, enjoyed self stimulation, felt sexy. But then I get out in the world, and it's like I can't stand eye contact with anyone. Do you feel a genuine attraction to males? Ummmm. I thought I did, but now I realize I really must not, because I have never ever been as excited thinking about a man's body as I realize I am now about women's bodies. Why did you decide to marry that man in the first place? Complicated and hard to explain fully. But let's say this much... he was the first guy who showed interest me that didn't disturb or terrify me. He was very shy, very unassuming, moved the relationship very slowly. Before him, any attempts I made at dating were terrifically awkward and distressing. He was very much in love, and I was very flattered. Since he was the first guy I ever went on more than two dates with, and the first guy I had sex with, I sort of just accepted that it was "meant to be". Seems very silly in retrospect. But our first couple of years really were sweet, and soon enough we were building a life together. I've stayed with him this long, even having a baby with him, because I really couldn't see any other option. Like I said, I've been very passive, just accepting things as they are. He has often expressed anger at my passivity. How good/bad has been your sexual life with your (still) husband? It was great at the beginning. Since I hadn't ever had sex, it was quite exciting to finally be having it at age 24. And he was really into pleasing me. Unfortunately, over time, he really cooled off, and my needs were no longer being met. When we decided to have a baby, about 12 YEARS into our relationship, it took 18 months of working on conceiving. And work was exactly what it felt like. We haven't had sex since my pregnancy test came back positive in April 2011. I've tried to get him interested, and he has absolutely turned me down. Do you presently feel any sexual/romantic attraction to women? Yes. Women on the street, women on the screen, etc. No one I actually know. Can you see yourself in a longterm relationship with a woman? Hard to say, but when I see it in the movies, I find it very sweet and endearing. I could imagine it much more easily than being with any man until my old age. That I absolutely CANNOT picture at all. ---------- Post added 11th Feb 2017 at 09:51 AM ---------- I want to add, that as I think about this more and more, it seems to explain SO MANY THINGS. There have been so many signs since I was a kid that I might be gay, but somehow, I kept explaining them away... Here are some red flags off the top of my head. I never liked "girly" stuff as a kid. Only traditionally guy stuff. For example, no dolls, no pretend kitchen, no dress up, yes to Hot Wheels and remote control vehicles and video games and computers. I never liked women's clothing and still don't. I absolutely CANNOT shop for clothes without hyperventilating. This is for my whole life. I have always preferred dressing boyishly -- jeans, t-shirts, etc. (I even used to borrow my brother's clothes in high school.) Indeed that has been a major source of contention in my marriage. I've always hated when girlfriends start talking about sex with their boyfriends/husbands. I always refuse to participate in the conversation, and my friends always kidded around that I was too uptight. My mom has berated me for not being "feminine enough" from about age 8 until NOW! She was always on the case: making me take ballet, trying to teach me to not "walk like a man", buying me dresses, jewelry, makeup, etc. I can't stand all that stuff. (Another point of contention in my marriage.) The only men I've ever wanted desperately were my two piano teachers in college. I was a total stalker. But looking back, what I had was an obsession with them. I think maybe I wanted to BE them, but I thought I was in love with them. Focusing on my playing and on impressing them made it easy for me to avoid dating. I figured I wasn't into guys because I was too busy obsessing about my professors. Perhaps obsessing over these older men I was absolutely could not have was a kind of subconscious defense mechanism to avoid thinking about what I really did want. They both gave me a whole lot of shit about needing to express desire through my playing. Ever see Black Swan? It was exactly like that with two teachers in a row except they never touched me. I got a lot of, "do you have sex?, who do you lust after?, do you pleasure yourself?" that kind of thing. I was so freaking messed up by all that. Most of my deepest friendships with women have ended in very awkward ways. I've always been at a loss to explain it, but now I wonder if there was a tension I wasn't even aware of consciously. So, yeah, these are the things when you put them all together that are making me feel like, "DUH! How much of an idiot can I be that I didn't put this all together before now?!"
I never liked traditionally girly things either, but that being said i was never into so called boy things either. Mom has a photo of me at age like 2 or 3 playing with a kitchen and dolls but i dont remember ever doing anything like that. I never got into the disney princess movies. As a young child i liked animals and horses and drawing and eventually videogame and anime. Mom would put me in dresses as a child but i hated it. I like jeans and a t-shirt. I prefer skinny jeans and i'll wear blouses and i like that but that's it. I've never willingly put on makeup in my life and although i own a lot of necklaces, i only ever wear one. Its the 170$ Targaryen sigil necklace from the Game of Thrones merch site that means so much to me (but thats for another blog post). I kind of wonder if there's a stereotype to describe me yet. I'm not particularly girly or boyish, i think. OMG same on the last two sentences! Looking back to me it seems so OBVIOUS i question why i didnt put it together at a more normal age. Like 14 or something. But you remind me a lot of myself, because for years like you i just explained it away.
Thanks LunarLyric. Hey, look on the bright side, you could be 43, in a 20 year relationship, and be a mom! I think you figured it out in plenty of time. ---------- Post added 11th Feb 2017 at 10:32 AM ---------- Though, I would never regret having my son. His presence is what makes me feel grateful for K. I hope I can pull off this drama without hurting him.
Oh, and another thing... When I was expecting my son, I was absolutely terrified of having a daughter. I thought that if I had a daughter I wouldn't be able to bond with her in any way. I could only picture myself with a son. Indeed I was excitedly imagining how fun it would be to dress a boy and buy him all the toys my mother would never buy me when I was a kid because they "weren't for girls".
I joined yesterday and felt a little lost on this site, trying to navigate around. I have read your thread and feel exactly like you and can so relate to everything you put. I am 52 and only in the last year when I have regained some time to myself with children not needing me as much anymore have I realised that although I feel ready to have someone new share my life it isn't going to be with a man. I have been a single parent for many years. I have never lasted long in any relationship and thought I was just being annoyingly picky and selfish with the way I was with my partner... in fact any man I have been in a relationship with. Last year I found I was very attracted to a woman... they were straight and married. I can't stop thinking about them and think for the 1st time in my life I may have been in love with them. It took a while to come to that conclusion as I don't think I have ever been in love with a man. I hope I am ok to put this on your thread, as I said I am new here but wanted to say that after reading your heartfelt entry that I feel just the same as you. The bit you put about how you now look at women differently did make me chuckle as I know exactly what you mean... I don't automatically feel attracted to any woman but I have given a few a 2nd glance! I admire your words and thank you for sharing all your thoughts x Reading them has certainly made me realise that I am not going mad and that we are definitely not alone with these feelings ---------- Post added 20th Feb 2017 at 12:55 AM ---------- and I just read the next bit about you wanting a boy... omg I was the same. I had 4 boys! I hate pink and would have dressed a girl in dungarees and trainers if I had given birth to a girl
Hi Jackie. I'm glad my post helped you feel less alone. Since I originally posted, I have taken steps towards disentangling myself financially from my husband so the process will go easier once I ask for a divorce. In the meantime, I've come out to my closest friends, my brother, and my mother. Everyone I've talked to has been incredibly supportive. They all want me to find happiness. I feel very fortunate to finally be able to see a way forward with my life that might bring me things I've never had and didn't even realize I was missing - namely, romantic love, sexual enjoyment, and the joy that can only come from being at peace with and loving your true self. I wish the same for you!
