Trying to figure out my sexuality

I'm 25 so i really should have figured this out ages ago, but i grew up in a conservative religious household in a rural area in the southern USA so i think i just suppressed it this whole time. But its so freaking confusing so i came on here hoping other people could help me out. I guess i'll just make a checklist and ramble some and you guys tell me what you think.

Growing up, i did get crushes on guys. But it was always just that - a pretty face to stare at. The idea of anything more never occurred to me and when it did, it repulsed me. It just didn't feel right, either, if that makes sense. I noticed even back then that i would look at girls all the time, but i just wrote it off. Considered it rude and inappropriate and didn't consider any alternative explanations. Fast forward to when i finally discovered pornography existed, and this did help clarify things.

This probably sounds weird but it wasn't until i started to be more open minded with myself that i realized just how often i check out other girls. I've played around with romantic/sexual fantasies, trying to figure it all out. I only have my own head to figure it out with cause I've never dated. Which is honestly embarrassing to admit. Any advice?

 

Really? Wow. I guess it makes a lot of sense though. Yeah i found even something as simple as admitting it here online really...reaffirming, i guess? Somehow just typing it all out on here and in a youtube comment or two makes it more real.

 

Huh okay. I can see how that might be true. How will i know when i'm ready to tell anyone though? Who would i even tell. Telling family is not an option i'd get kicked out and for now that is not an option. I feel like at work i would be accepted, but that being said i'm not particularly close to anybody there. I just do small talk with coworkers when work is slow and even that's a struggle, cause i'm shy and socially awkward sometimes. I've said it before, i'm pretty sure one of the supervisors is gay and out and nobody has a problem with him, so why would they have a problem with me. But at the same time idk if there's a professional line i'd be crossing admitting it even in passing at work. People are sure to ask me if i'm doing anything for valentines day or something of the sort these next few days. In the past i've always just been like oh no im single right now rather than admitting im not that into guys.

I mean they know i self harm and am depressed - cause i left day old injuries on show at work. I didn't think anybody would say anything and it was hot so i was like fuck it and wore short sleeves to work. I was right, nobody gave me any shit for it and everybody either ignored it or seemed a little bit nicer to me. Some amazingly nice. But maybe i've just been paying more attention cause i was afraid of rejection.

I'm just not sure were to go from here. How to go about this.

 

I grew up with what i feel comfortable labelling as an emotionally/verbally abusive mother who might have undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. That's a major source of the depression and self harming. She once called me a selfish little bitch more times than i could count for asking for a break from school and cousneling and nearly kicked me out then, said in anger that maybe if she'd beaten me growing up i'd have grown up right.

That was years ago but it hurt a lot and for the past several years i've taken it to heart. I'm trying to get past it. Showing the scars at work has been a big part of that - i don't get so much as a good morning at home but they're nice to me, they're friendly and that alone helps a lot. I guess i just need a little support so i can learn to love myself. So yeah i'm already 'there' in that for years i've identified as what im sure my mom thinks of me as, but i'm trying to get past that. Coming on here and admitting to myself i think i like girls has helped too. Somehow for me being able to label it is nice. Makes it make more sense in my head.

And no my family doesn't know i am now. They know i used to but i just moved spots and they assumed i quit. But i'm wearing a short sleeve shirt to work and for the first time i dont plan on wearing a jacket over it. Mom took sister out for the day for a girls day so dad will be the one taking me to work. Idk if he will even notice or say anything im just doing it to guage his reaction. Its a short sleeve shirt with longer sleeves than my other work shirts, so it hides like half of them that would otherwise be visible in a different work shirt. He's the levelheaded (emotionally absent) parent so i dont think he'll do anything bad.

BTW how does the mobile site work? Is there an app for this site? Cause id love to come on here on my phone on break. I really like this place.

 

Well I'm not 100% sure he is I've just overheard things he's said. I think it'd be awkward asking him even for confirmation as much as I'd like to cause he's a supervisor even if he's my age and I don't talk to him. He's nice but he's always been professional.

And yes eventually I want a counselor but only after I move out. Not right now.

 

I've thought about doing it like that. Just being up honest if somebody asks about if i have plans for Valentines day. But i'm still at the 'am i gay or bi' phase of things so idk if i'd just be rushing it on account of the opportunity. I think it would depend who asked. Some coworkers are nosy and gossipy and really don't deserve to know. There's literally only one or two people i can think of that i'd feel only just anxious admitting it to. But even then i wonder, as much as i'd like them to know, is that just me being selfish? Or is there a benefit to it? I've always been the loner.

I might need to just wait until i get my drivers license. Its complicated, and embarrassing as fuck, but it turns out what my mother insisted was a real drivers license given to me on accident was in fact not...so i have to get a car and get my license testing with a policeman. I want to have that 'out' should i come out at work and it end up getting back to her. A lot of my mom's friends shop there, and mom is friendly with some of the employees, so should someone gossip around about it...i'm just paranoid. I think i might wait until have a license in my hand and therefore have that 'out' if i need it.

 

As much as I have ‘lesbian’ as my orientation, I’m still adjusting and figuring out my sexuality here. I’ll just list everything I’ve noticed I guess? And you guys can tell me your thoughts. Do note that I have no dating experience and no sexual experience beyond the company of me, myself, and I in the bedroom. For years I’ve repressed myself sexually because I was scared and because I grew up in a small town, a very conservative, Christian small town.

Middle School Years:
- Since I was in middle school, I would check out other girls. It was automatic, instinctual almost because I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. It just felt natural.

- I got crushes but it was only on boys. I never looked at a girl and instantly had a crush like on a boy.

- But that being said, the crushes were superficial. I thought the boys were cute, aesthetically pleasing I guess, but I could never imagine myself doing anything more. I could never picture myself asking a boy out or doing anything normal like holding hands, going on dates, etc. Whether this is because I was a naïve twelve year old or because of an unknown, repressed sexual orientation I don’t know.

- I discovered masturbation as young as late elementary but I had no clue what it was. At this phase, I still didn’t really understand it all. For a very long time I masturbated solely because I liked it, there weren’t any fantasies involved.

Highschool
- I still didn’t date anybody but from what I remember, I stopped getting crushes. By this point I had convinced myself I was being the dutiful daughter by focusing on school, not on boys like my classmates were. My parents were pleased by this even if I did find it embarrassing.

- By this point I could look at a guy’s picture and despite knowing what sex was and all that, I still couldn’t picture going any further than ‘okay he’s cute/hot/whatever’. I could mentally undress a guy and find the mental image quite unappealing.

- I probably discovered porn during my highschool years. I honestly don’t remember. I’ll be honest, from the beginning I rarely watched straight porn. I didn’t like it. I found it weird and still do but I would watch gay-guy porn. Honestly I didn’t realize gay-girl porn existed.
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Adult Years
- I only just realized gay girl porn existed within the past 2 years. And lets just say I never went back to any other form of porn.

- The catalyst for me seriously starting to question my sexuality was actually because of work. There was a new person and I’ll be honest they were probably some alternative sexuality I don’t know the name of because they were very non-gender in appearance. I legit could not figure out if it was a boy or girl yet I still had a crush on them. I don’t remember their name. This employee was not employed there long, a few months tops.

- After I gave myself permission to question my sexuality, and eventually this turned into me acknowledging that I might like girls, within this past year I’ve noticed I check out girls a lot. For me it seemed to come on so suddenly. Like suddenly a girl could walk past and before I’d ignore her but now I’d notice her. Like what the hell? Is it even possible to repress yourself that much?
Or am I just convincing myself I’m gay? Yes I use the guy term cause I find saying ‘I am a lesbian’ just sounds weird. Hence, I will use the guy term even if I’m a girl. I don’t care.

- I’ll be honest ever since I came out here to this website as possibly being gay, I think I’ve become obvious at work. I’m pretty sure I’ve been caught looking twice now. God I feel like such a creep now. Really I feel like I’ve become some awkward 13 year old that can’t control themselves. A girl came in wearing one of those really see through lacey tops that are meant to be worn over a tank top but she had no tank top on, just a bra, and I was like what the hell are you wearing. You’re in public. And the boy on the register near mine just gave me an odd look, quirked an eyebrow at went back to the customer he was with. I was too caught up in the fact he noticed me to process what the expression actually meant.

- That very same day beforehand, I’ll be honest I’d noticed a girl I work with more than once. She’s appealing but she’s Christian and has a boyfriend and I don’t want her like that cause, well, I know my limits. And it would be so freaking awkward to like a girl at work so I don’t think I’ll ever let myself crush on a girl at work. I had to tell myself yeah she looks nice and she’s friendly but she’s straight and has a boyfriend. I think her guy noticed cause while I was on the register with a customer he just looked back at me for a few minutes and I couldn’t quite place his expression. It didn’t come off as mean and disapproving or anything like that though. Sort of like the other one really.

- Writing these down I realize I really need to figure out how to tone it down at work. I’m gonna accidentally out myself somehow at this rate. The very thought is scary because a lot of my mom’s friends shop there.

In General
- Another important factor, one that makes me question myself, is how my mother raised me. She was very paranoid growing up. She verbalized the whole stranger danger thing constantly to the point I feared everyone as a kid. She was even worse about the danger of being raped or sexually abused. Everything was turned into a lesson about how to grow up into an independent young woman who liked boys but didn’t need one and knew what to do to avoid getting taken advantage of. I wonder if this may have played a role growing up. Like…I know its not logical but on one hand it reads like I was just accidentally raised into it, you know? Like because of my upbringing and all the fear-driven lessons I chose girls.

 

Update: Looking back, i think the first (mentioned) boy who caught me looking at a girl just wore an expression of amusement. I mean the one that caught me looking at the young woman who decided to go grocery shopping in a bra and lacy top without a tank top on.

Is this good or bad? I actually do talk to him! Just small talk but he's friendly with everyone. He's new. He's in highschool and he's not a good kid but he's one of the few people at work i find easy to talk to. I'm shy I've always been painfully shy and socially awkward.

Is his appearing amused a safe reaction? It got real busy and he left pretty soon after that for the day. I just want to know before Wednesday so i have an idea what to expect if i see him at work on Wednesday. I'm not out but i think people are gonna start noticing anyways and that's scary.

 

One big thing is that I'm just confused by how sudden all of this feels. Like, i mean the signs were there since i was like 12 like i said before. But its like ever since i basically gave myself permission to question it, i just feel like an awkward hormonal 13 year old. It just feels so sudden. And apart of me is like...am i convincing myself that I'm gay? did my upbringing have any affect on this? Am i really bi but am suppressing that now instead? Can all of this even really be creditted to me just suppressing/repressing it? Has anybody else had experience with something like this?

Yeah i'm hoping my coworkers reactions aren't anything to worry about. I'm just scared that i'm being more obvious than i want to be. Scared that someone's gonna say some thing mean or talk about me behind my back or out me before I'm ready. I'm scared work will turn into the typical highschool experience i never had.

I'm hoping the highschool boy who was amused when he caught me was really just amused by it. I mean hell i was amused by it looking back on it earlier today. I'm just gonna call him Robin. Cause i keep thinking that's his name even if its not cause his haircut reminds me of the kid Robin from Game of Thrones. Even if it doesn't look too much like it, just a little. The boy who looked back at me cause i think he may have caught me, the one who has the christian girlfriend that i was looking at will be called Sideburns cause he has ugly sideburns and i genuinely do not know his name.

 

Thanks for this.

I just find the fact I first crushed on aesthetically pleasing feminine guys confusing, considering I think of myself as most likely being gay. Like…shouldn’t I have crushed on girls too? Why didn’t I? Or was my ‘type’ at the time my mind’s way of showing me what my intuition/instincts/whatever already knew?

Thank god finally someone whose been as repressed as me. I mean yeah Bryan Stars from Youtube came out the other day but he’s a youtube star. And I swear half his fans think its just for attention so there’s that drama going on. I think I really did do what you did – I repressed myself to the point that I was completely unaware of the possibility. Damn. Its amazing what the brain can do. And somehow at the same time, all that time I was repressed and unaware, verbalizing “I’m straight” when asked never felt right.

Yeah, maybe. I mean on one hand the fact I do check out other women validates and legitimizes my own understanding of my sexuality…but on the other hand I’m terrified of being outed prematurely. Cause even if, for example, Robin were to put two and two together and was okay with it there’s no controlling who he does or does not tell.

 

Ah okay. Yeah my thoughts, too. Coming on here and talking it out has helped me understand that a lot. Thanks!!

I'm not sure if anybody at work would call me an attention seeker. I don't think they would. I mean couple day old cuts were on show starting as of a couple weeks ago, and now they're all just scars, and nobody's said a single mean thing about them. Nobody's judged them at all and that's something i would think would be a prime target.

But on coming out in real life, as much as i'd like to tell somebody i just don't know if now's a good time. I really want to have the ‘out’ of having a reliable car and a real drivers license before I tell anybody. Anxiety would drive me insane if I told somebody, freaking out about if they would tell anybody or if word would somehow get back to my conservative homophobic family before I’m ready. Mom would kick me out in a heartbeat, she’s threatened it and nearly done it over less. But at the same time I think it would feel good to have somebody IRL that knew, that accepted it, and supported me. With that being said, there’s nobody I talk to at work beyond pointless small talk and even that’s rare. So I think admitting such a big thing would just be awkward. Wouldn’t it be awkward? Cause its such a personal thing. And I hate having any amount of attention on me so if people go the opposite reaction and are happy for me that would make me feel anxious.

Plus I think I need to be totally convinced I’m gay before I tell somebody right. I mean only today after having this conversation do I feel secure enough in the idea that I’m most likely gay. I think I could tell myself I’m gay now and not have those same doubts as I did yesterday. I think more than anything I just want IRL validation and acceptance, you know? But at the same time I know I have to be out of the house before that can happen. And days like yesterday, in which I was caught checking girls out twice, prove to me that it might not completely be in my hands when I come out. People might put two and two together on their own before I am out of the house and feel comfortable enough to come out.