I've had sex with both guys and girls, and I've also been in relationships with both. With guys, I never connect emotionally/romantically the way that they do and I end up breaking their heart, or just being FWB from the start. When I have sex with guys, I am only into it in the beginning and I always think it is a good idea to have sex and even initiate it sometimes, but when the guy is actually naked in front of me and it's time to do stuff, I have second thoughts and my sexual attraction lessens. I always make it about him and take pride in being excellent at pleasing him, not because I enjoy it, but because it makes him happy. Getting him to orgasm is a mission that I must accomplish. Rarely do I orgasm, and I'm okay with that. When I first lost my virginity to a boyfriend, I broke up with him the next day because I didn't feel the connection I was looking for. Except for gay guys, and I've fallen for two (one I dated for a while in adolescence and he wasn't out yet) but I've never had sex with one. With females, my attraction is much deeper emotionally, and I've gotten attached to both of the girls that I've been with (one was a relationship, one was a one night stand with a curious friend). Sexually, when we are leading up to and engaging in sex, I still take the lead and focus on them, but the farther in we get, the more I get into it. I am able to completely lose myself in the moment, and while I do still see making them achieve orgasm as the end goal, I thoroughly enjoy the process vs. Guys where I don't really get anything out of it and just want to make them happy. I've been out for about a year (im in highschool) but I'm not obvious about it. I don't hide it, but I don't bring it up either normally (unless im discussing a crush with my friends), and my parents know and are fine with it, so I'm not sure if the whole denial thing would come into play or not, but I doubt it. If I'm a lesbian, I don't want to try to date any more guys, because I don't want to be a heartbreaker. Do I just need the right guy? I'm equally aroused by both sexes initially (and transgender/other gender identities) but I've only been able to form real connections and what one may consider feelings of love towards females and males identifying as gay, and I've only been able to thoroughly enjoy sex from beginning to end with females. My lesbian friends don't think guys are hot though, like reading my own post, I sound pretty lesbian, but.... I don't know. Please let me know what you think, and thank you for taking the time to read this long forum post
Well, I'm not sure. Your experiences with both men and women seem to suggest that you're a lesbian. However, if you can get equally aroused by both sexes initially you might be bi... What do you mean by that you can get equally aroused by both sexes? When you masturbate while thinking about guys, does it feel the same as masturbating while thinking about girls? If it feels wrong, then I'd say you're a lesbian, because you do not really seem to enjoy sex with guys and seem to make it about pleasing the guy while you get no pleasure out of it yourself. Furthermore, you do not seem to be able to connect with them emotionally either.
Thank you for your response. As far as masturbation, the experience does differ based on what sex I think about. Most times I start out thinking about males in my head, but then it changes to a female as I get farther along. Same thing with porn, but I definitely prefer lesbian porn (i hear thats common in straight girls too though). If I see a hot guy, I can become aroused and enjoy admiring their body, but then I want a girl for the rest honestly. I enjoy foreplay with guys, but get bored quickly and fall out of the moment as sexual intensity increases. So I'm probably lesbian then I guess. What does this mean? Should I not have sex with guys anymore? Im not going to attempt to have relationships with males because I only see myself really ending up with a female (or living with a gay guy best friend for the rest of my life lol), but I have some intermittent FWB relationships with guys. Should I cut these off? Is it unhealthy to have sex with guys because I like the emotional reward of pleasing them and feeling wanted/needed when I'm not getting anything out of it beyond that?
Well, the question is, do you want to stop having sex with guys? I'd say that it is unhealthy indeed to only have sex with men if the emotional reward of pleasing them is the only thing that you're getting out of it, but that's just my opinion... whether you want to continue doing that is up to you.
As a guy, I'll take the opposite side from loveislife (whose opinions I always respect) and say that if your cards are all on the table, you should be commended for being so nice to us guys. We really do appreciate it, even if we know there's not LTR in the offing. Ideally you should have a LTR girlfriend/wife who is not averse to your having some male FWBs who you actually like as persons. Whether that is really possible is a whole 'nother question. And as to what you "are", lestbian sounds like the word that will convey the most with the fewest misunderstandings. But with an asterisk maybe. Or homoromantic bisexual, although I know Chip will object to splitting the emotional and physical. TL;DR: You know yourself well and want to be nice to people. Good on you!
I think you are more lesbian than bisexual, because according to your words your sexual fantasies are mostly directed toward your own gender and you seem to enjoy lesbian sex much more than heterosexual one. It seems to me that your "attraction" toward boys has been conditioned by heteronormative standards and perhaps also - at least to certain degree - by internalized homophobia. If I were you, I'd probably take the road which will very likely bring you sexual and romantic fulfillment - lesbianism.
Wow, its great to see separate sides of the spectrum. To Loveislife, you're right, I need to decide what I want and I agree to some extent it is unhealthy. I understand why actually: I'm very insecure about my mind (how people perceive me, being awkward, bipolar and anxious, etc.) and so I make up for it with my body. Pleasing guys pleases me because I know that they want me and am confident in that fact, and it makes me feel confident to be good at sex. I never develop any attachment to them, so it doesn't really have a negative impact on me besides the implications of making up for my mind with body. I think that in the future, I will make sure to question where my mind is at specifically when I want to engage in sex with males so I can avoid whatever destructive aspect there may be. To beenthrdonetht, my cards are on the table and thank you lol, its good to know that it's still beneficial to guys even if I can't connect, and it makes me feel a little less guilty about the lack of connection, I mean they are getting sex for nothing in return (unless it's a boyfriend in which case I've left him broken which is why I am done dating guys, at least for now). I do see myself marrying a woman in the future for sure, and female-male-female is totally something I think about on a regular basis, so you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for the validation and affirmation of knowing myself well; I like to believe I know myself and see it as a positive aspect, but I often overthink it. To Markoso, first off your last sentence gave me joy and much laughter -lesbianism- the word just put me in that light-hearted sarcastic perspective and reminded me to not take everything so seriously. I think you're right about being more lesbian, but I do think that sometimes the attraction is greater than what has been programmed by homonormative standards. It's not quite all in my head, but it certainly has influenced me. I also agree with the suggestion of a little internalized homophobia, and it comes from my moms response when I came out to her at age ten (it didn't go well, so after that I swore it was a phase and convinced myself I was straight until my attraction to females grew to a level I didn't want to deny anymore; girls are hot, I want to have sex with them and give them all of my love and that is that lol. I think that overall this has been really helpful, thank you all for responding and giving me your input. I am confident that I will fall in love with and marry a female one day; but for now finding a relationship like that is going to be difficult and I probably need to focus on myself right now from an emotional standpoint. So I think that I will know that I am lesbian at heart, but since sex is fun and I do enjoy sex with guys for whatever reason I will keep the bisexual label and continue to have casual sex only with males (after reviewing the internal motivation and making sure it is not unhealthy) until I find a relationship with a girl that could actually be something. Since I'm keeping it casual I wont hurt any guys and I won't have to feel guilty about it, and since I'm not looking for something super serious yet, I won't be wasting time on guys when I could be finding my female soulmate because I'm simply not ready for that yet. I really feel so much better about it now; if there are any objections or concerns about my conclusion feel free to express (sometimes I miss pieces of the picture), I know it is my life and decision but I don't trust myself all that much so if you have additional input it would be appreciated, if not thats okay too. Thank you!
