Oh goodness, so here's my story: I was born in raised in deep south Alabama to a very religious, conservative family. My grandfather is a minister; my mother is your typical goody-good preachers daughter. Typically I was in church 2-3 times a week and as soon as I started middle school I was put into a private christian school. So, as you could imagine, I was raised to believe that being anything other than straight was 100% wrong and would get me a one way ticket straight to hell. For the longest time, I was fine living this way. That is, until about 2-3 years ago. You see, three years ago is right around the same time that I moved away from my hometown and family for the first time. So no more church, no more being told how to live, none of that. Keep in mind that up until this point being anything other than straight had never crossed my mind. But then my mind started to wonder. I started imagining myself being with someone of the same sex. And not just in a sexual way but also romantically. At first it really weirded me out. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. It just kept happening. As time has gone on I've grown more comfortable with the thoughts and the feelings, but it has me confused. Looking back, I guess there were "signs". I never cared much about boys, but I always played this off as just worrying about myself and not being interested in a relationship. But I also don't recall ever having any interest in females either. I do remember always being curious about what other girls looked like. Especially during gym in school. I'd have to fight myself not to blatantly stare at other girls as they changed. But again I played this off as nothing more than me just being curious. Whenever I started watching porn, which I think was about 14-15 I did always either focus solely on the woman or just watch lesbian porn. I had no explanation for this it just was what it was. Is it possible that someones upbringing can cause them to completely suppress these types of feelings to the point where they are generally oblivious? I'm 24, which would make me a late bloomer. I don't know how common this is, but the only stories I ever hear are of people who always knew or knew from a young age. I don't know how to tell if what I feel and what I think is real or if this is some kind of weird rebellious stage of sorts where I'm just doing it to spite the way I was raised. I know that no one can tell me what I am or who I should be, and I'm not asking that. I want to know if there is anyone who has had a similar situation and how you handled that situation, what you did. My family absolutely, without a doubt, would not support me in any way shape or form. So there's that.. I guess I just really need advice. This is something that's been with me for at least 2 years and I'm just now starting to get to the point where I am accepting that it's a thing. Thanks in advance.
First off, welcome to the site! As far as your post - there are definitely people who only realize that they are LGBT in their twenties, or later. Sometimes social pressure keeps up from thinking about the possibility, or really considering it - you mention that your family wouldn't be supportive, and I'm assuming you've witnessed some evidence to that effect, so that may be the case for you as well. What to do about it is really up to you - as is deciding whether or not you're attracted to women. But one thing I would suggest would be to look for friends or social circles where being gay/lesbian isn't considered abnormal - where it's actually accepted and treated compassionately. Giving yourself a type of social equivalent of a "pressure release valve" may help you think things through. There's a variety of ways you might seek this out - LGBT community centers, bars/clubs (though perhaps not recommended as a method of socialization on your own, if you know someone who would go with you, it could be eye-opening to check it out - and some are very relaxed and laid-back), LGBT-friendly churches, local organizations (perhaps a PFLAG chapter, for example), as well as counselors familiar with LGBT issues. Regardless of what you choose, good luck!
