So I've had my doubts since I was about ten. I've always felt a draw towards guys, in a gut sense, which I don't often get with women, but I've felt other draws towards women. I've always masturbated to straight porn as even recently when I've tried looking at gay porn - twice in two months, I've had the same kind of repulsed thing - I don't feel myself enjoying looking at two guys having sex, or a guy wanking and both times my penis has instead of getting a boner done the opposite - got really shriveled up to the size of a pea, like as if it's scared of it. I typically get the same feeling looking at guys, even if I deem them to be physically attractive, my penis is literally shriveling. I've only ever had sex with women and will spring an erection if I'm being offered sex by a woman. If I kiss a woman, I will have an erection almost instantaneously. Today I was acting with a woman (I'm an actor in training) and she was sitting on my lap, I had to "think my boner down" pre-emptively because I could feel it rising. I had an erection just talking to a girl I've had sex with two days ago. I never got an erection in the past when I've kissed guys - on four different occasions, once when I was 19 and trying to get a girl I was really not interested in (I don't like to use the word fugly, but if she hasn't sorted out her weight problem in those eleven years, she's probably dead) who was coming onto me, twice playing gay chicken and once to piss off a really homophobic girl we knew. So all of this suggests to me that I'm not gay - but I still wonder almost all the time - particularly when I'm aware my heartbeat may rise if I'm looking at an attractive guy. I've had "gay dreams", then I wake up with an erection and this concerns me, though I usually think that this is just morning wood? It's all very confusing and unsettling. Any advice on what I could be? Aside from going out and actually experimenting, which I feel may be psychologically damaging (watching gay porn was uncomfortable) if I'm not gay then I'm not sure what to do. I sometimes wonder if I'm physically into women and romantically into men? I'll build long friendships where I'll do a lot for my friends but relationships don't tend to last too long as they're more stressy and I'm always wondering if I'm dishonest, despite having a very high sex drive and almost never having a problem getting it up for girls I'm intimate with.
Hi Martialmaster. I wish I had a better response to give you but unfortunately I don't. What I can say is that what you are going through is okay. It's normal to feel confused or to question your sexual orientation. I can relate to this as I'm currently experiencing it myself. I don't know if you are straight or gay or bisexual. But one thing I do know is that sexually experimenting is not damaging. It's a way of finding out answers for yourself. I'm not suggesting that you go out and do that, only you can decide what is best for you. Try not to stress too much about your orientation. These things take time to figure out. Hopefully other members will be able to offer you better advice. I wish you luck in finding answers.
Thank you for your response. One thing I think I will do is go to LGBT Martial Arts sessions and see if I gel with anyone. I don't want to go to gay bars or use the internet to meet up because that seems so horrible if I'm being experimental.
