I know I have posted here a few times looking for this very same answer, but I'm kind of at a weird point. I want to come out to my close friend, but I'm not really sure what to come out to her as. I have a tendency to just ramble on so I'm going to keep it as brief as possible. Sexual attractions: I have never understood what my friends find attractive in men. Especially masculine men. My only male celebrity crush was Adam Lambert, but if I had been honest with myself I would have acknowledged my crushes on other female singers. During the time I thought I was straight, I was attracted to feminine or gender neutral qualities, but never masculine ones. Now that I'm more honest with my attractions I can see that I have had sexual attractions to female class mates and friends since I was about 10 years old. I have been sexual with both men and women. With men it was exciting for a short time, but I would quickly get bored. The same thing happened with my one relationship with a woman. When I thought I was straight I would fantasize about "men". I use quotations as I didn't visualize anyone but I told myself it was a man and was sometimes able to be aroused by that. At that time I didn't consider myself a very sexual person and found it hard to get turned on. However, around that same age I fantasized about a girl and it was completely different. I was visualizing her and was able to get very aroused. I have never felt this turned due to men. Currently, I find it very difficult to be aroused by men (whether in person or a fantasy) as I realize that this visual element is important to me and men physically don't do that for me. I am very aroused when I fantasize about women, but haven't been sexual with a woman since I was 16 (almost 23 now). Emotional attractions: I tend to form very few relationships (platonic or romantic) and when I do I invest a lot emotionally in these people. When I'm friends with a guy I will automatically start thinking about whether there are romantic intentions, and previously I would get excited by any possibility. Now not so much, as I've allowed myself to freely experience my attraction to women. Now I'm finding myself only crushing on women and these crushes feel much more natural and innate (rather than forced and passive like with men). Looking back, I've had emotional/romantic attractions to friends that I've been sexually attracted to. In my one relationship with a woman my love for her was deep but didn't feel romantic. With my first boyfriend it was very intense emotionally (typical Taylor Swift song kind of romance) and I fell hard and fast, despite a lack of sexual attraction (but I did enjoy being physical with him). It also didn't even last 2 months. My second boyfriend was a long term relationship that came out of friendship. I told him everything and he was my best friend. At the beginning I felt that euphoria of being in a new relationship, but it quickly died out. I lost all sexual desire for him but still craved being emotionally close (this included cuddling). Behaviour: I've kind of already talked about this a bit. I had a sexual experience with a close female friend at 12 that enjoyed until I realized it was gay. Then there was a lot of panic and I felt uncomfortable so I ended it. My first kiss was with a girl (at 16), but I never felt that much when I was with her. It was simply a friend with benefits thing to me. Afterwards I was sexual with both my boyfriends and also kissed and danced with a lot of guys in bars during my first year of university. I haven't been with another person for the last 2 years due to issues with my sexual orientation, especially with feeling as though I can't sexually be satisfied while in a relationship with a man. Thoughts?
Seems pretty cut and dry to me, unless I missed something in all that (don't worry, my posts are often very long as well). You like women in that you find a greater satisfaction when you are with them, and you prefer how they look in general compared to men, but it appears you have yet to be fully sexual with one, at least for quite some time. In contrast, if you feel you can't find satisfaction in any meaningful sense with a man other than platonic friendship, then you shouldn't feel as if you need to pursue men any further. I think what you have here is a case of limbo regarding your exploration of personal sexuality. You have a pretty good idea that you are a lesbian, but because of your previous experience, or more likely a lack of it, you aren't quite sure how to go about following that path. What is a true romantic and sexual relationship with another woman really like? Will I get out of it what I hope to? And will the relationship be strong enough to last longer than previous ones? That's the vibe I get from your story anyway. The important thing, perhaps, is to not think so much about it at this stage, and just make that first step forward to find that next special someone. Don't have any expectations, and just be open and honest with yourself each step of the way. If you can do that, then you will soon form a better picture of yourself.
First of all thanks for replying. I think that you are right, that to a certain degree the whole reason why I made this post is because I want to take the next step of my coming process. For me, part of that is determining what label feels right. The only reason I have any issue using the label lesbian is the fact that I have dated guys. Not only dated guys but I was physical with them and enjoyed it at first, but then got bored. I also felt as though I had sort of a romantic attraction thing going on with my first boyfriend and at the start of my relationship with my second boyfriend. Looking back, it may just be that the way I felt about my first boyfriend was due to me being very anxious and having a lot of self-hate about possibly being attracted to women. At this point, I couldn't even fully acknowledge to myself that I was attracted to women so being in a secret relationship with one caused a great deal of stress. I guess my point is that I don't understand why, if I am truly a lesbian, how I could have felt this way towards my boyfriends. Yet, now I would die happy if I never experienced anything romantic or sexual with a man. Another fear I have, is like you said, not really knowing what a real relationship with a woman is like. I have a big fear that if I date a woman and I don't feel anything that that would be the worst thing ever. The idea of not being attracted to men or women terrifies me as I still have sexual and romantic needs. Part of the reason I made this post is because I have been on dating sites with the intent of possibly meeting a woman. However, anytime these women ask me out I'm way to scared because I'm so deep in the closet. I don't feel comfortable going out with a stranger when I can't even tell my friends who I'm going out with. This kind of turned into a ramble, but I think you get my point.
I absolutely do, Foxlovesdogs. It's probably a bit harder for me to offer any further advice, as I have been relationship-less for nearly 10 years now, and see no clear sign of finding myself in another one any time soon. Not because I want to be alone, but because the right person hasn't come along yet. I am neither looking, nor avoiding. I am simply letting the chips fall into my path as they may. Because of this, I've never really worried much about a future relationship potentially not working, or if it would turn out just fine. If a relationship doesn't work, then why force it? It could be distressing for a time, but if you weren't getting everything you wanted out of it, perhaps it was not only something that was never meant to work, but something you shouldn't have entered into in the first place. But I do think I can empathize more with your concern that you might find yourself lacking attraction to women as well as you do men, even with clear sexual needs. If it ever does feel like this happens to you, though, it could just be that you are rather picky or choosy about the sorts of people you like and want to be with. I know I am. In fact, I'm incredibly picky, especially when it comes to guys. With women, a lot of my heterosexuality is still present, meaning that I can almost find any woman attractive to me in some way. But with guys, most of them I care nothing for, because they're either sloppy, smelly, covered in hair, too muscular, their hairdo sucks, their attitude sucks, or they just don't have the kind of face that I like, where it's soft but sharp at the same time. I also prefer men who are rather feminine and may even wear makeup, but yet are not trans. t'appears I am also rambling a tad. My point is, a lot of people who discover they have different sexualities than they originally thought are open to many possibilities, and find their new orientation easy to function in once they accept it fully. The new attractions and interests come easy. But for others, what they find attractive, what they find arousing, and what they find sexually satisfying will all be very particular and/or specific, because their brains are wired to work only under those conditions. This could be for many reasons, but most likely a result of tastes born at a very early age, perhaps based on experiences that we can no longer remember fully. I may still need to do some introspective thinking to figure out what may have caused my many particulars and picky personal tastes. But from what I can remember, my tastes have evolved over time from earlier stages in life, when my homosexual tendencies were very subtle, but visible, and influenced my thoughts on feelings on many things. Maybe what you need to do--besides accepting your first date offer with a woman--is to do some photo browsing, and determine just what kind of women are you into. If it isn't (just) about looks, then think about the women you've seen in film and TV that have managed to turn you on, and think about what it is about them that does that to you. I wish you the best in your further self-exploration.
Hi Foxlovesdogs, Don't worry about having had straight relationships in the past, having found men attractive etc. MANY of us here have always had straight relationships in our lives, but perhaps in a way that never really 'connected' with us. However we may have been very content in those relationships--for a while. (For me too, I was always with men in the past, was married to a man for several years.) In many ways I think I just defaulted to the 'norm'. But it's relationships with women (on all levels) that feel right to me, easy, arousing, fulfilling and connected in a way I was never was to a man. Looking back I can see there were signs all along but I simply chose not to recognize or act them at the time. I am sure I was affected by the way I was raised. Though I wasn't raised in a conservative area, I did sense that being gay would not exactly be accepted in my family. You mention you would like to come out to your friend, but not sure what to come out as...that's fine, you don't have to define yourself in this first conversation. You could simply start a conversation with her about how you have been questioning as this may feel less stressful at this point. Even now I am only out to some people but it has been so relieving to come out to those I have! I too would encourage you to just meet for coffee during the day with a woman that interests you online. This will be be much lower stress than a 'real' night date. You have a lot of insight, and have done some honest self reflection...this will serve you well moving forward. All the best to you!
