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Help. Gay questioning or HOCD?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confusedhelp, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. confusedhelp

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    (sorry for the length, just wanted to get everything out and for whoever is replying to get the WHOLE situation for best judgement)

    First let me say I don't mean to offend ANYONE in this post. I don't have any ill will or prejudice towards any group of people. I'm 18 years old, male, and all of my life identified as straight or heterosexual. After an extremely bad anxiety/panic attack, I started having anxiety about everything. the first week or so was worrying about life and death, reality and god. It slowly moved on to less philosophical things and now I've moved to wondering (worrying) I'm homosexual.

    All my life i have watched straight porn, dated girls, had sex with girls, i even currently have a girlfriend of over a year who I've talked about marriage and children to. I suppose I've had occasional "gay" thoughts, but at most I've only kissed a guy on the lips (a peck) and it took a lot of motivation to do it. (my two girl friends with us agreed they would if we would) and I've never acted or really wanted to on any of the thoughts. Now though I have thoughts in my head pretty constantly of wondering if I am gay, how I never thought I could be, how I love my girlfriend and am worried ill have to leave her, and because of all the stuff going on lately, it took me a lot more than I usually have to get turned on being with her.

    I'm worrying because now I find myself looking at everyone, guys and girls, and seeing if I find them attractive or analyzing my thoughts about them. I don't have any kind of problem looking at a guy and thinking hes attractive, and i can even say when a guy looks sexy or anything else, no judgement. At first I was so worried and got crazy anxiety over the thought of being gay, and now that I've been dealing with the issue for a few days, I don't have much anxiety anymore but the thoughts remain. This leads my head to telling me it must be because I'm accepting it. Don't get me wrong, again, I have plenty of friends who are homosexual, bi, etc. and they're great people, I just never envisioned myself or wanted to be anything other than "straight."

    I'm sorry for the rambling, I guess the point is, I believed up until now I enjoyed my relationships with women, I can say I love my girlfriend, and haven't ever been with a man. I've had a couple of my friends who are gay approach me and I've always been flattered and politely turned them down because it just wasn't what I wanted to do, but now it seems like I cant differentiate my thoughts and I don't know if id like it now or not to be with a man. I don't think I would but my head wont let me be sure. I don't get grossed out thinking about it but I don't believe I get excited either.

    Its just meh, but the thing is I've also lost a lot of my attraction to women. I believe before id love to stare at girls butts, their bodies, how they looked, even fantasize about them. Now it seems the only thing that really gets me excited is porn, and I don't know if this is from all the stress and anxiety I've been going through or if all of this is because I'm not really into women like i thought. I don't want to be one of those people who finally figures out they're really homosexual later in life with kids and a wife and has to screw that all up honestly.

    I've heard of people who are homosexual still having plenty of experience with the opposite gender, and they did enjoy it. Is it possible I really am just now figuring out I'm gay, does this sound like a normal thing or is it just H-OCD? (in case its not known to some, HOCD stands for homosexual-OCD in which the person obsesses about being gay) I just don't want to be living a lie, and the thought of being homosexual still doesn't seem all that appealing to me, but then again my whole head seems so cloudy right now I don't know WHAT to think. my immediate response when asking myself "are you gay" is to say no, but the thoughts remain and I don't really get pleasure from thinking about men or anything but at the same time I'm not sure.

    AGAIN, I'm so sorry if this post offended anyone, that wasn't my aim at all. I'm just trying to find clarity and settle this once and for all, I hate the anxiety and indecisiveness, and if I could id just call myself straight and move along to not bother anyone again, but from what I've also seen its not something that is necessarily a choice for yourself to make, its genetic or just how you're born, and either way I don't mind. Its not me fearing of having to tell my parents, I've actually had conversations with them about how I'm feeling and they're supportive as can be. My dad basically said "if you're gay, you're gay, there is nothing wrong with it, just how its supposed to be" and my mom has always been 110% behind whatever I decided to do, as long as it was beneficial to my life and health. While in conversations with them I even told them I'm not after their comments on it being okay, but my head still questions it. Thankful for any and all answers, I'm sorry again for the length and any offensive parts. Thank you all so much in advance!
     
  2. Chip

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    One of our staff took the liberty of breaking your wall of text into paragraphs. It's impossible to read otherwise. :slight_smile:

    So first, H-OCD isn't a recognized standalone disorder. OCD is absolutely real, debilitating, and a serious problem, but it is generally not limited to a single fixation.

    So the simplest way to separate out what's going on here is to look at what your sexual fantasies are about. IF you masturbate without porn, do you find yourself thinking about girls, or about guys? You can try both, and see which you find more arousing. That's really the simplest and clearest picture you can get.

    From your description, it doesn't sound like what you are experiencing rises to the level of obsessive or compulsive behaviors, but that would be something you'd want to have evaluated by a mental health professional to determine for sure. It does seem like there's some anxiety going on, and that, as well, would be somethign to talk with a therapist about.

    Finally, it is quite possible for someone to have hetero relationships and be relatively happy in them, and then to discover that they're attracted to same-sex people. Denial can be pretty strong, and it does happen in situations like this. But again, the real test is where your sexual arousal lies, and comparing the two is the best way to try to answer that.
     
  3. confusedhelp

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    Thank you so much for the help, I'm sorry about the paragraphs, but I appreciate that!

    I'm sorry about not explaining the OCD part more, I just didn't bring up the other parts because I didn't believe it would be relevant. My dad has severe OCD and I show symptoms of it in general. Compulsions to go back and check to make sure I really locked the door even though I know I have already. Wondering if I left the door cracked and now the animals will get out of the house because of my mistake. Worrying I didn't put my name on the top of my paper before I turned it in even though it's the first thing I did. Constantly having to move, or be doing something. Doing checklists to calm my anxiety has been a big one lately. Making tons of accounts on websites like this to basically say the same thing, asking the same questions for reassurance, it's become worse wit my dad in that he hasn't been in great health lately and so I'll find myself several times a night going into the room just to make sure he's still breathing, even though it's nothing that serious. That's the only reason I've brought up the OCD. So my apologizes as well on that.

    I have masterbated withought porn and am drawn to women or past girlfriends I've had, sometimes even using pictures after I've gotten them from girls when they'd send them to me. I'd say even yesterday with my girlfriend, she was touching me and I did get aroused, but to finish or get more excited quickly I found myself thinking of a past girlfriend doing it instead. This alone should satisfy me but my head cannot stay appeased it seems. I've tried to think of other men while kissing my girlfriend and it didn't really do anything for me as far as arousal, but I did try to watch gay porn to see what id do and got slightly nervous when when I felt myself getting a reaction and turned it off after but I do not know if this is just because it's masterbation regardless.

    I will say my fantasies have been about women my whole life, I am just slightly concerned because I had read also a homosexual male had watched straight porn for so long that he was starting to believe he was straight, and said that once the porn usage stopped he reverted back to thinking about men and back to his normal self. I'm scared this is what might happen to me if I stop watching porn, or thinking this is what is happening to me in my case.

    Sorry if I sound ridiculous or ignorant. I just wish to find answers. Thank you again for the comment and patience.
     
  4. confusedhelp

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    Sorry about the paragraphs, my bad I didn't realize how it would come out. Thank you for that though.

    I didn't bring up other aspects of OCD that I suffer from because I didn't think it would be relevant, my apologies. While i've never been diagnosed, my father has it severely, as well as anxiety. I find myself unable to stop from turning around if I even have the slightest doubt I left the door unlocked or open after leaving the house. Even if I can remember locking it. I have to go back and check. Also this isn't even close to the first forum i've posted on asking for assistance. I'm constantly checking, researching, asking other people for assurance, checking how I respond to other peoples looks. Ill find myself compulsively looking at everyone I encounter and asking how I view them or if I think they're attractive, forcing myself to basically look at everyone and give an opinion. Those are just a few examples.

    My main issue is that up until now, I have believed to have enjoyed my relationships with women, and been satisfied sexually with them. I will admit I have cheated, which isn't something i'm proud of by any means, but even when cheating, it was always with other women. The only thing that won't let me move past is obviously someone can still be homosexual and have had these experiences I believe. I'm worried that that is the reason I jump to so many women, because I was trying to fill a void that couldn't by them. These are my latest thoughts. I never felt disgust, or had to think of a man to finish with them or in these situations, just looking back now i'm questioning if I really did enjoy it as much as I should have.

    As far as fantasies go, i've had plenty of fantasies about other women in my head. never really any men, or if I did (like you suggested I try) I ended up not wanting to continue thinking of the men and go back to women instead, where I was able to finish afterwards. I still was able to get aroused while masturbating regardless of what I thought of, but the men didn't really stick in my head. Similarly when kissing my girlfriend, I thought of it as kissing a man instead and didnt get much of a response, I did however, think of another woman while she was giving me a handjob and I got pretty excited but this took a while to get to anyways. I don't feel disgust but don't feel like I used to with her and even when grabbing her breasts didn't get aroused like I thought I should have. Its not that the feelings have swapped and I now want men, its more that my whole sexual urges or desire has dropped all together and I do not know why. Does this sound normal for someone who is questioning and perhaps figuring out their sexuality?

    Thanks for the responses in advance and I apologize if im being ridiculous once again.:icon_sad:
     
  5. Iliricon

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    Hi, a couple of thoughts:
    Anxiety and stress can mess with your love and sexuality in a lot of ways. If you are currently experiencing a lot of emotional difficulties, I think it is pretty normal to loose interest in other people or sex in general.
    Second, you are thinking in very binary terms of homo - and heterosexual, while reality can be a lot more muddled and gray. You might be perfectly straight and just in over your head right now. You might be a bisexual who is noticing his homosexual urges now. This does not mean that you have to act on them.
    You might even be completely gay, but honestly, you don't seem that way to me. Most gay people I know, myself included, do not really obsess about women and while they might find their company enjoyable, most don't really want Sex. That is of course only my limited experience, as I said, reality is always a lot more complicated then our explanations. And little interest in women does not mean, you are gay, it could also mean that you are preoccupied, or not in the mood. Only positive interest in the same sex/gender makes a homosexual ;-)

    Give yourself time... It might seem like the most important question to consider now, but honestly, it took me 4 years from first noticing "something gay" to coming out, having sex and starting a relationship. Don't worry too much, sexuality is difficult enough as it is, obsessing over it while you are worried in general really is a stupid idea. I now, because I did exactly that :grin:.

    What I did was: I let it rest for a while and fixed a couple of other things in my life. It was excruciatingly hard, obsessing over sex and sexuality had become a habit, but once I forced myself to drop the useless questions and just live my life, it turned out quite nicely. If you absolutely cannot do that, and can't figure this out on your own, a therapist is a really good help. There is no shame in going there and getting help.

    I hope everything turns out well, I wish you all the best!
     
  6. Confused887

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    I'm still figuring things out so I don't exactly know what to say to help, but you seriously sound A LOT like me. I'm a girl through, questioning if I might be a lesbian. My anxiety and OCD actually started out the exact same way, just one panic attack and bam my life was different. I totally relate to being afraid of figuring it out later in life when I'm married and have kids. I guess the only difference is I have been attracted to at least on girl, and my relationships with guys never lasted so long (although I a still in highschool). Actually, the only guy I dated that I really, truly loved left me because of my OCD and my anxiety of the possibility of being gay and not really being attracted to him... which weirdly I very obviously was. I'm finally over him now, but I understand how stressful and destructive this can be. If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here :slight_smile:
     
  7. Chip

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    Hi,

    Just to be clear... nobody should be telling you that you have (or don't have) any specific diagnosis, as none of us are qualified to do that, and even if we were, it isn't ethical to make such a diagnosis based on postings on a discussion community :slight_smile:

    The way you're describing your symptoms, it sounds like there are some obsessive or compulsive traits (which, by the way, don't on their own make an OCD diagnosis, even if you were sitting in front of a clinician qualified to diagnose OCD.)

    At the same time, it still isn't clear to me whether or not there's real attraction to men combined with a fear of the possibility of being gay, or whether there's an irrational fear about being gay that's furthering an anxiety response that isn't based on anything factual.

    So I'll suggest you re-read my post above, and try the masturbation exercise without porn, and try it, with different variations, a few times. See what responses you get, and which fantasies create stronger desire. This is the only way you can meaningfully get a sense of what's going on.

    If there are obsessive-compulsive tendencies or even an undiagnosed OCD, then the above exercise likely won't resolve the psychological issues, but I think you'll best solve this issue by separating the two elements (sexual arousal and obsessive thoughts) out and looking at them separately.

    I would not recommend trying to hook up with anyone at this stage; I think the anxiety is likely to cloud your ability to really discern what's going on and likely just make things a mess.

    Also, unless you're already in a steady relationship, I wouldn't particularly recommend continuing to date women until you get a better handle on this, as it's likely to interfere with being able to understand yourself.

    This is a solvable problem, but you aren't going to solve it by posting endless questions to message boards. It will require self-exploration and perhaps some professional help if the anxiety and obsessive-compulsive traits are more than you can handle by yourself.
     
  8. confusedhelp

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    Thank everyone for the replies. The last couple days I've been doing better and the anxiety and compulsive thinking has gone down a lot. I've decided it ls directly linked to my anxiety like y'all have said. I don't get the thoughts or have the constant worries in my head unless something triggers my anxiety to go off. So I really believe that it's just me over analyzing and thinking.

    I appreciate the time everyone took to help and offer their advice and being accepting and welcoming with my situation. I really am thankful!