Hi, I'm new to EC, I joined because I cannot figure out my sexuality and I don't have anyone to turn to. I have never told anyone, so it is going to be a long story. I would really appreciate it if even one person takes the time to read it and finds it in themselves to help me out. (My Story) I am a girl, who is completely lost and dying to figure out this part of my life. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I come from a strict culture/family, that is not welcoming to this lifestyle. I don't think I could ever come out to my parents and I know everyone says it but the culture I come from, it just seems impossible. I know one thing for sure, I am attracted to girls. The part that I can't figure out is, if I am attracted to guys. Sometimes I think I tell myself that I am, to make myself feel better. In the sense that if I like guys, I'll be fine, I'll never have to come out to my parents. I won't have to deal with the disappointment, not just from my parents but my whole family. I have been hiding who I am practically my whole life and I feel as if I don't even know who I am anymore because of it. I haven't even been in a serious relationship and I'm 21 years old. I think I have isolated myself and pushed any feelings I've ever had about a girl way down because I am afraid of the truth. Let's say, I decide I am a lesbian and not bisexual, I would feel like my life is over. I come from such a big family and I love them more than anything in the world. Every Saturday during winter, we have a family gathering and in the summer, every Sunday we go to the beach. I enjoy every moment I have with them, every get together is filled with love and laughter. I am truly blessed to have such a great family but if I decide to let myself feel what I feel, I would have to say goodbye to all of that. If I chose to come out to my parents, it most definitely won't end well. I would have to move away, and then I would get live freely but I'd be alone. I have another choice, an arranged marriage... Just typing that puts me to tears because then I won't get the chance of finding true love. This way, my mom gets to throw me, my huge wedding that she has dreamed of me having and she will be happy. I will be okay I guess with this because I wouldn't have to give up my family. I would be living a "normal" life according to my culture.. There are times where I am attracted to guys but it is not the same attraction I feel towards women. If I see a beautiful girl, I feel all these emotions and I can't even explain it. If I find a guy attractive, I don't feel all those emotions, I just think he's cute. There are times where I love dressing up in "girly" clothes and doing my hair and there are times where I love being the tom boy that I am. I feel more comfortable as a tom boy honestly, when I dress up all girly and stuff I feel like I am trying too hard. In the past couple years, every time there is "spark" between a guy and myself, I enjoy it and flirt back. But, once they mention they have feelings for me or they like me, I push them away and I'm not interested anymore, it is like I shut down. I have never been with a girl but in high school there was this girl and she was everything. We met in biology and it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. We had this connection and I have never been so happy in my life, she made feel alive. Until this day, I still believe she felt the same things I was feeling. We never said anything to each other but the way she looked at me, I knew that she felt the same. She would hold my hand every time we left class and would always hug me. In class, she would say things to me, that no friend would. Whenever she was assigned a partner, she always made sure to switch so she can be with me. Whenever we were watching a movie in class, she always told me to come sit by her and when I did, she would lay her head on my shoulder and put her feet up and get really comfortable with me. I know I sound crazy and that she was probably just really friendly but I will never forget those moments and how I felt. And my favorite, is the way she stood next to me. She would stand so close that I can smell her hair, I still remember how it smells. I know I am just rambling but this is what goes through my head every single day. I think about this everyday, trying to figure it out but I can't. I am really scared of the truth.. but I need to know. (Question) What I question is, am I bisexual or a lesbian? I know I’m not straight because of the way I feel towards women. I’m afraid of my mind tricking me to believe I am attracted to men because of the fear I have of coming out. Do I tell myself I like both men and woman to not let myself worry too much? To believe that there is a chance of falling in love with a man and never having to go through it all...
First: Unless you really want to, you don't have to label yourself. I label myself as "queer", which to me just means "not straight" so that I don't have to put myself in a box. Some people label themselves "gay" but are still somewhat open to relationships with the opposite gender. Second: It is very possible that you could be forcing yourself to be attracted to men. Or maybe you are physically attracted to men, but not romantically or sexually. Physical, sexual, and romantic attraction are all different. For example, I feel more sexual physical attraction towards other women than I do towards men. But I feel equal amounts of romantic attraction to each gender. Third: Follow your heart. Don't let yourself live a life not true to yourself. Stand up for what you think is right. I understand your hesitation to come out. I can see that your situation is extremely difficult and I send so much love and support to you. My family is very progressive on the issue of gay marriage so I've never had to deal with much homophobia, but hopefully someone who can relate more will respond. And don't be afraid of the truth. This is YOUR life. You are who you are and it is your responsibility to love yourself more than anything else in the world. Cliche, I know. Let go of all denial, let go of all your fear. Don't live in someone else's fantasy.
Hey! Judging by what you've written down, I think you're probably a lesbian. You seem to have a strong attraction to women, but no sexual or romantic attraction towards men. Usually, having strong feelings for the same sex while having little to no feelings for the opposite sex is a strong clue that you're gay. It also sounds to me that you are trying to convince yourself that you might like guys indeed. That's normal, a lot of gay people do that at some point in their lives. You're already aware of the possibility that you might be doing this and you are brave enough to seek out the truth, and that's a very positive thing!
