I'm an 18 year old female and a senior in high school, and I've had OCD since sixth grade. For the past year or so I've been seriously questioning my sexuality. The thing is though, all my life I've liked boys and soly fantasizes about boys. I can recall a few times I fantasized about girls... one was a female cartoon and one time, a female friend who I continued being friends with and never had actual feelings for. Just the one fantasy. I just didn't think about it at the time because I was in elementary school, and these were two tiny incidences amidst a bunch of crushes on boys. When I was eleven, I found out one of my uncles AND one of my aunts were gay and their "roommates" were actually their partners. I knew what being gay meant, but it was still a shock to me at first. It didn't change how I saw my aunt and uncle, I still loved them and today I have good relationships with both them and their partners. But I remember it also made me anxious. If I never knew they were gay, than how can I be sure that I'M not gay? I've dated five guys all throughout high school and only developed real feelings and attraction to one of them. The first three guys I really wasn't that attracted to because I was in love with my best guy friend, kyle, for about two years. I was crazy about this guy. We'd know eachother for years and I had never felt so close to anyone. Every day I saw him I had butterflies and could barely suppress the urge to kiss him. He dated other girls though, and as my best friend he would talk to me about them and it killed me every time. But he also really led me on. Winter break of sophomore year, he did something that really broke my heart and I finally realized what a jerk he is. It took me almost a year to get over him. One day in orchestra, I saw him talking to this new girl and it made me jealous. I looked her up on Instagram, just curious. Her name was krista and She was really, really pretty. I remember for a couple days afterward, I would imagine myself talking to her, wanting to be her friend. I would imagine she was with me when I daydreamed, just like I usually did when I liked a boy. Then I thought wait a minute.... that's weird, why am I thinking about her? So I stopped myself. There were other things, too. Like one time when she came up to me and complimented my shoes, my heart wouldn't stop racing. And when someone tapped me on the shoulder, I secretly hoped it was her. She made me nervous. I'd never felt this from a girl before, only boys, so I was in complete denial. I didn't see her much though, she was a senior and I was a junior and she often skipped school. I mostly forgot about her, though, when I met another guy, we'll call him Chris. Chris was new to the school and just happened to be in my home room. I thought he was really cute. He was tall, attractive, and liked starwars- he was perfect. I finally worked up the courage to talk to him on the way to class, and we started walking together every day. Soon I started to get the same way with him as a was with kyle- butterflies, super happy- I would get so excited after talking to him I couldn't focus for the first ten minutes of class. I hadn't felt this way about anyone since kYle. i could text Chris for hours without getting tired of it. Finally, Chris asked me on a date and I was so happy. I'd never been on a date with someone I was so attracted to. krista was the last thing on my mind. For the most part, our date went great. At the movie, Chris put his arm around me and it felt so much better than I ever thought it could and he smelled so good. Eerything was great until suddenly, Chris took me by surprise, jerked my head toward his, and started making out with me. I'd never made out before and I was not comfortable, so I jerked away. Afterward, he apologized for it and since I still really liked him, I agreed to go out again. But that's where the anxiety started. As I mentioned before, I have bad OCD. It all started from the kiss. You know how people say if the first kiss sucks, it means u don't really like the person? Yeah. I began having a ton of anxiety and OCD about whether or not I really liked Chris and my attraction was real. On our second date, Chris actually took things slow when we made out, and for the first time in my life I really enjoyed a kiss. This might sound weird but after he left, at work, I kept sniffing my sleeve because it still smelled like him haha. And the kisses only got better. Chris was the first person that ever made me feel physically aroused. He was the first time I ever felt sparks down my spine when I kissed someone. I really fell hard for him and I was always so happy when we were together. The problem was when we weren't together. Half the time I really missed him, and the other half I was a mess of paranoia. What if I don't really like him? What if I'm actually gay and I don't like any guy? What if all my feelings for guys have been my imagination? This isn't even the first time I've had these thoughts, actually. I remember freshman year when I got my first bf and realized I didn't like him that much, I was afraid that meant I was gay. But with Chris, my OCD was even worse and it out a strain on our relationship. Not to mention that it turned out Chris wasn't exactly a grEat guy either, but at the time I liked him too much to see that. I would get so anxious out of nowhere, thinking no this is wrong I don't really like him I must be gay, but at the same time I had such strong feelings and I was so attracted to him... I was so confused and a mess. My anxiety and OCD were out of control and finally, after two months, I broke up with Chris because of it. It was the hardest break up I'd ever had and I cried for days. After a few days I decided it was a mistake and asked for him back. We were together for about two days before he told me I stressed him out too much and he didn't think we should be together right now. I was heart broken. But at the same time, I realized that I did need to sort some things out. One thing led to another and after much obsessing and thinking and some advise from my lesbian friend, I finally accepted that I was attracted to Krista. I meant to say hi to her for the first time, but she never came back to orchestra so I never saw her again. I was more relieved than sad. The thing that confused me about my crush on her though was that she had a bf and it never made me jealous. She was pretty and gave me butterflies, but there was no jealousy like I'd felt with guys. I still don't know why. Also, I became super paranoid around girls and constantly checked to see if I was attracted and was paranoid with every girl I met that I would become attracted to them. All the while though, I just wanted Chris back. For the next year up until a few months ago, I tried desperately to win Chris back. I still felt in love with him and I regretted every day that I'd left him. We got back together several times, always his idea, but then he'd break it off telling me that I had stressed him out too much the first time with my OCD and paranoia about being gay or not really liking him and things couldn't be the same. It hurt me every time and I blamed myself. i even at one point was friends with benefits with him, and for a while I really enjoyed it. Was I aroused? I don't know. Not as much as I was when we first started dating, I guess because I'd had to force myself to distance my emotions. Also, it was my first time doing anything sexual, so it didn't feel great physically. But I loved the connection. It ended when he got a new girlfriend without telling me, and I realized how many times he'd lied to me and disrespected me all this time. I'm over him now. Now that I no longer have him to think about though, I've started to become paranoid about being gay again. I hear all these stories about women getting married to men and having kids and then realizing they're lesbians and it terrifies me. Like what if all the anxiety and paranoia I felt with Chris means I really didn't like him and all the feelings and attraction I felt was in my head and I'm really just gay? I mean what if I actually prefer women and I can never date a guy again? That scares me. I'm not afraid to come out, all my friends and family are accepting. It's just I hate not knowing. What if I've really been gay all along and all I've felt is a lie? Like for those of u out there who figured out they were gay but didn't know it, was it like this for you to? Like u thought you were in love and attracted but something felt off and you were anxious about it? Can lesbians even get aroused by a man or feel sparks when kissing a man? Could I be bisexual or do I just sound like a lesbian in denial? Do you think it's my OCD or something more? I'm so confused and if anyone could give me some insight from their own experience that would be great.
Hi Confused887. This was quite a lot to read, but I have read through all of it in order to work through everything you've been dealing with. So let's start to unpack this. For the most part, you've had good times and bad times with some or all of the guys you've been with. You have felt attraction, you have felt sad when they're away or when they're gone, and you have felt sparks. So I don't think you should try to discredit that just yet. So far in your life, you have liked men, and that's perfectly normal. Then, you realized that you started having fantasies about Krista, how pretty she was and how the mere thought of her made you anxious, and perhaps even weak in the knees. There are three ways to look at this. One, you are still straight, but even straight people can once in a great while have a mad crush on someone of their own gender. It isn't necessarily a sign that you are gay, but more that you feel a strong physical and personal attraction to being around her because she is so visually appealing. Does this mean that kissing or having intimate relations with her would have been arousing to you as it has been with men? Perhaps not. Two, on the other hand, this could be a sign that you are gay, and rather than know it from the very beginning of puberty, it has taken your mind and body a while to adjust because of how society stigmatizes gay relations and behavior. Even if your own family and friends have been supportive and would have been at any point in your life, just living within society and media itself could have made you think you couldn't be gay, and so your subconscious has accepted that until now. Three, you could simply be bisexual. But just like option two, your subconscious has suppressed your interest in women until your adulthood. I personally have been dealing with very similar concerns and anxieties ever since Sophomore Year of College. I kept thinking to myself, "Could I be turning gay? Will I eventually stop liking women? Will I end up with a man once I want to get married? How much will my mind and body change after all is said and done?" Cause I didn't want to change. I didn't want to look in the mirror one day and wonder, "What ever happened to me?" But that hasn't happened at all. Turns out, I'm still the same guy as I've always been, it's just that other parts of my personality and interests have come out from the darkness of my subconscious and made themselves more visible. They always influenced the way I thought, the things I did, and the way I interacted with the world and people around me, they just were never out in the open; either because I didn't know they were hidden, or I did, and I just wasn't ready to let them totally free. It was very strange when I started acknowledging that I had an attraction to men. And oddly enough, the reason I became attracted was more due to my love of animated or drawn artwork of cute guys and drag-queens than actual dudes. Drawings of men have always been more idealistic and visually pleasing, and sometimes even more sexy than any real man I've yet seen. But I'm sure as my tastes develop, I'll eventually come across a real guy that gives me a reason to say, "you are one adorable man." Thing is, though, I still fantasize about women most, not just because it's what I'm most familiar with doing or most used to, but because my interests in men haven't fully formed. I'm 24 years old and my personality is blossoming anew, you might say: entering a new age of discovery and new possibilities. And for right now, I truly think I have an equal attraction to both genders, because both have something special to offer in their own ways. And I consider myself somewhat gender fluid as well, so it's also easy for me to imagine myself with a woman or a man, whereas in my younger days, I could have never foreseen that. I would deeply encourage you to not look at any of the things that are happening to you as scary or intimidating. Rather, think of it as your own journey of discovery. Your inner desires and interests may not be entirely clear to you now, but they will eventually. Just like me, you may also find that your interests in men and/or your interests in women can be somewhat picky when it comes to your preferences. So if you find yourself liking a guy again, but feel a sense of disinterest once you're actually with him, don't let this completely alarm you. Thinking about being with someone and actually being with someone are always going to be two totally different things. Fantasy VS. Reality. You may find that some men will still excite you at all stages of a relationship, and at some point, you may find that some women will excite you at all stages. I'm rooting for you. And I hope that what I've shared here has offered you some comfort. =)
Thanks so much for helping me! I know it was a long post haha, it was just such a long story. If it helps... there have been other girls that I'm *maybe* attracted to, its sometimes hard for me to tell the difference between being attracted to them and just thinking they're pretty and enjoying talking to them... its confusing :/ But thanks so much for taking the time to read and answer my post, it means a lot!
