Ok I'm going to try to make as much sense as possible but I sometimes find it difficult to get my thoughts onto paper so please bare with. I'm going to try to get as much evidence down as possible so you can help me as best you can so sorry if this is a long read Basically. I've never really been aroused or attracted by girls. I went out with one when I was younger but I never felt connected. When I see a girl I can acknowledge that they are hot but I never get aroused by boobs or their ass etc. I've tried watching lesbian and straight porn and it just doesn't do anything for me. I find I like it more when a guy is present however. I can ejaculate to straight and lesbian porn but as I said it's more forced than actually me being aroused. 90% of the porn I watch is gay and I do get aroused and can get off to it. I also imagine mainly guys when I masturbate without porn. Its just that (e.g.) when I'm walking down the street and I see a guy, I know they are good looking but if I saw a guy topless I wouldn't get an instant boner, although I would like it (poor wording sorry haha). It takes more than just a shirtless guy to get an erection for me. I have also accidentally happened to stumble upon gay furry porn images which I find arousing and hot also, however I am not a furry myself, and I appreciate that they are complete fantasy. However building on this I read a furry comic about 2 guys who were old friends who slept on the same bed and ended up in a relationship and i found it adorable and got a warm feeling in my chest reading it. When I picture myself in a relationship it's mainly with a guy, holding hands, cuddling etc. But my issue is that I don't "feel" as though I'm gay. I don't fit any stereotypes of what people imagine a typical gay person to be like. I don't consider myself to be more feminine and I have a lower voice and I don't have the "gay" accent. (Sorry to use stereotypes, no offence to anyone). I just don't feel as if I could go up to a guy and ask him out. I've been thinking like this for a couple of months now and my mind constantly wavers between: I think I am probably gay like after watching gay porn and getting off to it and having male images in my head when I masturbate without porn. Or nah I don't think I am cause It takes more than simply a topless guy to make me aroused. Also there is a girl who I kind of like and we click super well and always laugh together but I just can't picture myself in a relationship with her which is really tearing me apart mentally because I feel like if I did get in a relationship with her, I would find it difficult to connect and have sex etc. because I just don't get turned on by females. This issue of am I straight or gay has been on my mind a lot recently. I have also done some research into HOCD and I do not believe that I suffer from it as I've never had any form of OCD in the past and I read that sufferers of hocd generally "fear" and worry that they are gay and go out of their way to prove themselves either right or wrong by forcing themselves to watch gay porn to see if they get aroused and is just a general fear that they MIGHT be attracted to the same sex. In my case I actually just watch gay porn unforcefully and do like it, and can get off to it from actually liking it. Also, if it helps I have taken several sexuality tests and whilst I know they are very stereotypical and extremely inaccurate, like 75% of the time they come out gay (pun not intended ).and some of these tests contain scenarios which I find to be arousing but not all of them. The ones that don't say "you're gay congrats!" Tell my that I'm either asexual or bisexual for the most part. If it's of any other use for evidence I fully accept the gay community and cannot stand bigoted people and it genuinely makes me angry that people are still judged for who they are in 2017. This leads me on to my next point (sort of) as from time to time my friends call me gay, not maliciously or anything but just in that banterous way friends do and it kind of has started to hurt slightly more than I have noticed before. Normally I would just shrug it off but now I notice it and feel inclined to say something. They all think I'm straight and fancy the girl I mentioned earlier, and whilst I do like her I just can't see myself having sex with her or cuddling in front of a roaring fire or watching a movie together. It just doesn't sit right. However I do get these images with guys. I just find that stuff like that would be better with a guy and I keep having recurring thoughts like that. The school and city I currently go to and live in are very accepting of the gay community and there was a gay couple at my school (I am currently in the final year of sixth form) who would always hug and kiss and hold hands and I found myself always thinking it was super cute despite some of my friends thinking it was a bit odd, I just saw it as two people in love and that made me happy. Also worth mentioning is the fact that I did develop some sort of feelings for one of my best friends (who is a guy) as we have loads in common and have remained solid friends despite following different career paths. But I dismissed these feelings as he's probably straight and I don't know what I am apart from human (hopefully). However when we talk I do get the vibe that he may not be entirely straight as he's never had a proper girlfriend either and I just get that vibe. But that might be me reading the situation completely incorrectly. So yeah, that was a lot to read I am sorry. But any advice would be greatly appreciated because when my mind wavers towards "I may be gay" I get a sort of nervous/anxious "knot" in my stomach which makes me think ok maybe I'm over exaggerating, I'm straight and then because of that I start feeling sad and nervous cause I just can't see myself in a straight relationship, but I do fantasise about gay relationships. And just to be clearer on the HOCD thing, I don't fear being gay I'm just kinda about being different. It's sort of an unending cycle at the moment. So as I said, any advice would be greatly appreciated to help me make sense of these thoughts and feelings. Thanks
Reading your post, it seems like a common theme is being sexually attracted to guys and not girls, but I don't think you need to pressure yourself into putting a label on it. For me, when I first came out to myself, I was just like "I like guys." I think that helped me accept that I wasn't straight before I could fully identify as gay if that makes sense. It seems you have more of an issue identifying as gay due to stereotypes about gay people. I had the same thoughts for a while, but eventually I realized that the common denominator among gay guys is being attracted to other guys instead of girls. I know lots of gay guys that are stereotypical, and I know lots that aren't. Doesn't change their gayness lol. Hope this helps!
Well done for being able to articulate your thoughts like that, it's definitely difficult being able to work out your sexuality, its a long difficult journey that we're all working through. Some people seem to realise fairly quickly what they prefer and for others it isn't that clear cut. If you haven't really been attracted to girls then maybe that is a sign, but there's nothing to say that you might not just be curious about same sex relationships. It does sound like you want to explore relationships with a guy though, so it is worth giving more thought and maybe letting yourself explore those feelings. I wouldn't say that not fitting the gay stereotypes means you can't be gay, a lot of people think I'm straight (until they see me singing or dancing along to ABBA or something that lets my gay side out), but it's just a case of being comfortable about who you, whoever that might be. It's worth trying to gauge where your friend is if you get the vibe he might not be entirely straight. Could just open up a conversation with him, even just generally about gay people especially if you live in quite an accepting area and see how he reacts. He might be going through something similar to you, or you might realise he is straight in which case you'll know. I'm afraid I hadn't done much reading into HOCD (it seems like you don't identify with that) but I think that is more out of fear and worry and trying something which maybe doesn't feel completely right for you. That anxious knot you feel is something you're bound to feel when you're not completely sure about what your orientation is or the effects it will have on your life. I would say its worth exploring these feelings and see how that feels, if it doesn't feel right then that should bring you some sort of clarity, if it does then its maybe worth exploring more.
Hey Sf98, Just off-the-cuff, it sounds like you have a lot of internalized homophobia. That doesn't mean that you have anything against gay people, just that you can't accept that you might be gay yourself. Porn is an awful indicator of sexuality. Others on this website can better explain why, but, as I understand it, the 'excitement' that comes from watching porn doesn't come from the same part of the brain as (true) sexual excitement from being with another person. So, a good indicator is this: When you masturbate, without porn, what do you fantasize about? Men? Women? Both, men and women?
Thanks for the advice I may try what Skov suggested and tell myself that I like guys, which is kinda true, I guess I've just got to be patient and give myself time to work things out. It just sucks being caught in the middle like this feeling constantly anxious and having constant conflicting thoughts Just out of curiosity how did people realise that they were gay. And not just curious because I think that may be one of my problems cause I know I'm not completely straight but just can't differentiate between if it's just curiosity or me actually being gay. It's like my brain in having a constant argument.
Honestly it took me years to work it out. I tried to like girls, but I knew I couldn't be with one as it wouldn't be fair to them as it never felt right. So I guess I thought I might be gay at 13 (I knew I was more interested in kissing and cuddling guys than girls) but I denied it and tried to repress it for a few miserable years. By 15 I pretty much knew I was gay but it wasn't until I was put in a position in my early 20s where a female friend was romantically interested in me that I had to come out and even then it took me another couple of years to accept it and be out to more than just my best friends. Thankfully emptyclosets was there for those last few years and I got a lot of great advice which allowed me to be happy with who I am. It isn't an easy process and it won't happen overnight but I agree with skov that there is no need to label yourself. Don't put yourself under any pressure and just explore your feelings. Eventually what you want will just fit into place.
So, reading through you post, the main reasons you give for doubting that you might be gay is that you 'don't fit the stereotype(s)' and don't have a 'gay accent' and don't get an instant erection when you see a guy shirtless. Addressing each in order: a) Stereotypes are just that - stereotypes. Some guys fit them, some don't. The guys that do tend to stand out more, but that's about it. There are gay truck drivers and construction workers and soldiers in the world who you'd never guess were gay, based on their appearance, mannerisms, and interests - but they still are. As an interesting exercise, you might try going onto YouTube and looking at a cross section of gay vloggers. Some will fit the stereotypes - and some very much won't. I've occasionally been looking in on one guy who's from the American South, has a fairly deep voice, and is engaged to a cadet at a military school. Both of them don't look or act like any stereotype - and they are both 100% gay. Speaking on a more personal note - I've had at least one co-worker insist that I couldn't be gay because I 'didn't fit his stereotype'. I like to work out., I have no interest in fashion (and dress accordingly), and I've been told that the impression I'm often likely to give is 'do it my way or I'll kill you'. I grew up helping to castrate and butcher animals among other things. But I'm totally gay. b) Gay accents - much like the above - some guys have them, some don't. And even those who do aren't guaranteed to be gay. c) Instant erections - I'm pure 100% gay and know a lot of other gay guys - and I've never heard of anybody getting an instant erection just from seeing a guy with his shirt off (although we may certainly enjoy the view). For one thing, I usually have things to do and have my mind on that, not on sex - and the majority of sexual arousal takes place between your ears, not between your legs. If you're enjoying fantasizing about guys while masturbating without porn, and can see yourself (and kind of want, from the sound of it) a relationship and romance with a guy (cuddling, etc.), then my opinion would be that the odds are good that you gay. My 2c worth, Todd
This is a really similar situation to me cause I don't feel like I could be with a girl. Like I get on well with girls but just not in "that" way if that makes sense. It doesn't help that I've never had a proper relationship to gauge how I feel. I saw a quote someone else said on a different thread that there's me how I thought I'd turn out then there's gay me. That basically sums up how I'm feeling right now as I'd never really thought about it until I started questioning.
