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Very confused about sexuality!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by cocobean, Feb 25, 2017.

  1. cocobean

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    Hi! So I am new here but am questioning and so so confused! Let me tell you the background and where I'm at to try and explain :slight_smile:

    When I was at school I was a loner. I usually hung out with my sister or by myself. I didn't have any friends, which meant when the other kids started dating I didn't. Now, I used to use the excuse that being raised within a Church background that I "wasn't allowed" to date anyone. I had my first ever relationship at the age of 20, and that was with a guy. However, I felt that this was what I was expected to do. The relationship was very one sided on his part, but we were together a good 2 years! We even had a baby together ... About a year after my baby was born I was out with another girl. She was gay, and after a few drinks we ended up kissing. I had butterflies in my stomach, and generally felt very different to being with the guy I'd dated previously. However, I was still being taught that same sex relationships were wrong (which was odd considering by this point I lived in a place that has a large LGBTQ community!) ... But the questions were there. Fast forward to now, and I am still questioning. But, having never been in a relationship with another girl I am worried about trying to explore my sexuality ... It sounds crazy but I feel like someone might be put off by the fact that I've never been with another girl so don't know how to be with another girl ... I was abused as a child, and so I have often wondered if these feelings could be down to that, because most men scare me! But, I know I have never been attracted to any man really. I also feel that at 28 years old I should know by now! I have read so much online that says most people know from a young age. Because I was brought up being taught same sex relationships were wrong, I never explored the possibility of being gay and so never experimented with anyone. I am so so confused! I am also worried because there are people in my life who I respect and look up to who I'd be worried about possibly losing if it turned out I did like other women ... Is it normal to question at this age? And for this long?! I'm talking like 6 years or so that I've been questioning!!
     
  2. LoyalGryffindor

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    You're normal, I promise. There are people on here who didn't realize that they liked the same sex until they were in their forties. Don't be afraid, explore your sexuality and love who you want to love.
     
  3. clickitysplit

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    Hi there! First off, if it's any consolation, I'm 18 and been questioning for 2 years now, and even I feel like I should've made up my mind years ago! So don't worry.

    I genuinely identify with what you've said. I've grown up in a small town and go to church regularly, so I really get where you're coming from in feeling like you were "pushed" into a specific sexuality, and not really being fully able to explore other options.

    The only relationship I had was with a guy when I was 16. I definitely had feelings for him, but the whole thing felt rushed because it happened over the summer and it happened so fast (mainly because our friends were pushing us together all the time!) In the end, I broke it off because it felt "wrong" to me somehow, and it was after this that I started questioning.

    So, in short, yes, it's totally normal to still be questioning! I used to think I should've had it all sorted out by now, but there's tons of lovely people on here who have assured me that it's really normal (even this one guy who didn't come out as gay until he was like 60!)

    The only advice I can give you, and that I'm giving to myself, is to take your time. The questioning period generally varies from person to person, and in my opinion, it can take a few months for one person, but take years for another. Maybe try to be more relaxed and less stressed about it if possible, and over time, things usually straighten (no pun intended) themselves out. Good luck!
     
    #3 clickitysplit, May 2, 2017
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  4. MaoKingofcats

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    Heyo I can strongly relate to you. I was a loner when I was in middle school and last year. I'm not anymore ever since I met my two closest friends at art/anime club. They were very accepting and we're pretty close. Hopefully next year, I'll meet new friends that are as great as them since they're not going to my school next year. Before I met them, I used to go to church and it was the worst experience. I was uncomfortable with compliments and having to wear dresses. I mean I was okay with them but I just wasn't used to being complimented because of personal stuff that happened to me when I was in middle school and last year. Another thing that made it worse for me is that I felt attraction to girls like romantic and aesthetic attraction but I tried avoiding dating girls as I didn't want to sin under God. I just thought gosh I'm such a disgusting sinner thinking about these thoughts. I shouldn't date girls I'm supposed to only date guys. Ever since I stopped going to church, I felt so free and I was like yesssss I'm free to date whoever I want. Anyways sorry for getting off topic just know that only you can decide for yourself what's your sexuality and I believe you can find it. It's perfectly fine to be questioning for that long.
     
  5. Mysteria

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    Yes. It's normal to be questioning both at your age and this long. I'm 36 and although I feel like I'm coming to some sort of answer to my questioning it's still taken me six months of active questioning to get this far and that doesn't include all the years I did pretty much anything with my same sex attraction but acknowledge it. When I told a friend of mine who has a large LGBT acquaintance, she told me several similar stories of people where it just took longer.
     
  6. AlexJames

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    I grew up in a religious family as well, and was a loner, so i relate to that part of this story. I noticed that i was checking out girls as young as 11 - among other things, like not going all gaga over a shirtless guy when other girls did and doing a bad job of playing along. But i mislabeled this as rude and inappropriate, and i just excused it as being some stupid comparing size thing. It wasn't but going with the excuse was easier than looking deeper at it. I convinced myself i was straight but very modest and dedicated to school, which in the circle i was raised in was acceptable, ideal even. I got guy crushes but it was always because they were aesthetically pleasing, i didn't actually want anything from them and they weren't appealing like that. Because i didn't have friends at school, and because i wasn't interested in guys, i just didn't date and i wasn't pressured into it either because hey no friends.

    Fast forward, i didn't start questioning until my early twenties. It wasn't until a few months ago, at 25, that i was able to confidently identify to myself as gay. The signs were all there but i mislabelled them as inappropriate and felt ashamed and scared of what came naturally to me, so i just repressed it for years, a whole decade really. People even asked if i was gay multiple times, and i would say i was straight and believe it but it never felt right, if that makes sense.

    So yes i guess its possible you're gay or bi. I think growing up in a different era really contributes to it. With me, i just mislabelled, excused, and repressed everything for a whole decade that could even possibly relate to dating or my sexuality. When i was a kid, it just wasn't acceptable. I didn't realize the signs were all there from age 11 or 12 until i read/posted on here and took a serious look back at everything. I'm a 90's kid and i remember even back then...being gay wasn't a thing. In middle school, kids would come out and it would be a big thing but that's all the labels there were - gay and bi. I don't remember trans being talked about at all. Gay marriage was illegal, too, and it wasn't in the media at all that i remember. There were no gay characters in tv shows like there can be nowadays - 13 reasons why, degrassi, movies, etc. It wasn't that long ago but it was pretty different compared to, say, my little sister's generation.

    You said you have a baby, right? How old is your child? I would think given that you had a serious relationship followed by a child...i mean no wonder your sexuality hasn't been your top priority. You've got a kid to take care of - give it time. For me, i didn't need to experiment with relationships to figure out my sexuality - i figured it out all in my head and on here. I think its feasible. Being on here ought to help you figure things out.
     
    #6 AlexJames, May 2, 2017
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