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Dreaming straight

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by toishi, Feb 26, 2017.

  1. toishi

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    Hi!

    I have been very confused in the past 2 years, I'm a 23 yo boy and never had doubt about my heterosexuality until 21, when me and my ex gf broke up.

    Since then, I noticed feelings for boys and that confused me a lot. I tried gay porn, and I really liked it, but never had a real gay experience. I don't use porn anymore since some months ago btw.

    I question my sexuality everyday and I think I'm getting obsessed over it, but that's why I feel like I like girls, but I can't get aroused fantasizing about them anymore (I am a very shy person and had some sexual performance anxiety in the past, a thing that blocked me from having any other relationship after my last one). My big doubt is that I could have conditioned and repressed myself by overthinking about sexuality, the other thing is that it is undeniable that I get aroused fantasizing about boys (but just in certain situations and with a certain state of mind, don't know, I'm really going crazy).

    However, now I'm dating a girl which I really like, but for which I can't feel aroused for if I fantasize about her, the same for every other girl (if I hear her voice from the phone, or she sends me not-nude pictures i istantly have a semi-erection, but.. don't know, not an erection I would "act on it". I would just like to meet her to dissipate any doubt).

    The point is, in the last 2 months I have been recurrent dreams about me with her or with other girls, and never in my life had gay dreams.

    Is it possible I'm gay or bi even if I never dream about boys? I mean, if it would be in my nature not to be straight, how could it be that I only dream about girls?

    Thank you for your time and have a nice day!
     
  2. Luca00

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    I might not be the best person to answer this question, but I'm going to try anyway:

    First of all, I'd say that dreams and reality are often very different (at least for me): I've had in the past (at the time I didn't have accepted my sexuality, so it might have had an influence) dreams that involved romance between me and girls. Nobody knows, maybe you'll be dreaming about boys tonight, even though you never did before!
    In my personal opinion, and based on what you have said, it seems that you have romantic feelings for girls and sexual feelings for boys. I'd rather not worry about the dreams I make, the most important thing is: Who am I attracted to when I'm awake?

    Again, I'm not the most experienced person in this field, so I'd wait for other answers to complete (or criticise) what I just said. Wish you the best!
     
  3. findingjoy

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    I would do something to relax and if you feel you really are getting (clinically) obsessed over it, take some action to control that self talk.

    are you talking about actual sleep dreams or fantasies.. if they are actual sleep dreams you don't control them and they are highly symbolic. People find themselves wrestling alligators, chased by monsters, doing things they would never do. Personally I don't think it has any relation to sexuality.
     
  4. Iliricon

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    Well, you don't sound very straight, but you probably know that ;-)

    Obsessing over orientation and sexuality is sadly not uncommon, but it is useless most of the time. Like most other problems, it will probably only solve itself if you quit wrestling with it too hard and just go with what you discover. This is of course a lot easier said then done, I spent a lot of months obsessing over various attractions to various degrees.

    Let's look at the facts: You get aroused by fantasies of boys and gay porn and you don't when you think about girls. That is probably not conditioning, after all, why would a generally heterosexual man condition himself to have homosexual attractions? Dreams really don't factor in here. Some people report realizing their sexuality after a dream, but I think that is rare. I myself rarely remember any of my dreams, I can't think of any erotic dream, even though I am a creative person.

    You have several paths open to you:

    Since nobody suggested the Chip masturbation test yet, I will: Think about your masturbation habits, what gets you going, what doesn't. It is important to rely only on your own fantasies, no external stimuli like porn. I would add that abstaining from masturbation for a time can help you get in touch with your sexuality better, because frequent masturbation can make it difficult to determine your attractions. If you think predominantly of boys or girls during masturbation and one thought arouses you a lot more, then that is a strong indicator.

    Also please stay calm and think about the consequences of your findings:
    If you are gay, what does that mean for you? Are you afraid of it? I started being comfortable with the idea of not being straight, when I imagined what I would do in a perfect world, without societal repression. I realized that I would absolutely start dating boys. The same questions also apply to bi, hetero, pan or any other orientation.

    If your holdups are because of fear of rejection, then you need to work on that and not on the question of what you are.

    One final thought: Is there anything else going on in your life right now that you might be hiding from? Questioning my identity has always been a way for me to lay of other problems. I reasoned that I couldn't do anything with my life while questioning, so I procrastinated a lot. If there are any other problems in your life, you should definitely fix them first.

    I wish you all the best and I hope you will find yourself soon. Good Luck!