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Tried dating a man, felt like crying the next day

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Rman, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Rman

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    I've never dated previously and started to question my orientation. so one night I went on a dating website and started to chat with some guys. At first I was excited because I never had that kind of attention before. So one thing led to another and I found myself on a date with a really nice and smart guy. We went to see a movie and afterwards I went back to his place and I fooled around a bit. we spent the next day just watching netfilx and cuddled. Now I woke up today and felt really depressed and am very confused. I don't know if i'm asexual or what but i'm in a lot of pain because this guy was so nice and intelligent i feel bad for leading him on. What should I do?
     
  2. Loveislife

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    Do you have any idea what the source of your depressed feelings could be?
    You might have them because you aren't really attracted to him (this could mean that you are not sexually attracted to men, or that you are just not attracted to this particular guy), but it is also possible that you feel depressed because you are ashamed that you are attracted to this man and because of internalized homophobia. Did it feel good to fool around, cuddle with, and be around this guy when it happened?
     
  3. Rman

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    I did think he was a nice guy and we had similar interests, I did like being told i was cute
    and getting attention ect. but I just didn't really get any arousal around him. I got him off but I wasn't able to myself. I've been seeing a therapist and have also talked about gender identity and how i'm confused about that so i don't know if that's something factoring into as well. my family also found out that night and my dad broke down and cried and told me he loves me no matter what and he wants me to be happy.

    ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2017 at 07:50 AM ----------

    I also want to add that I'm a very introverted person, I'm 30 yet besides my brother and sister who are my best friends and I love very much, I don't really have friends outside that. I also recently found out that I'm on the autism spectrum and it's difficult to express my self in general. I tend to bottle my emotions until I feel ill.
     
  4. MisterMissy

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    Um... Sound to me like you left out some details on your first post there. Cause having your own dad break down, but then show full support for you no matter what is a HUGE deal. Like, that surely has to have contributed to your own feelings the next morning.

    What I think has happened, is not only did you jump into dating another man too fast, as you seem to have not fully come to understand what your feelings are, but you also had a great many things happen to you all in one night.

    You met up with a guy, he made you feel good about yourself, you went to his place, you cuddled and kissed, you got him off, you went home feeling unsure but perhaps still excited, you tell your dad about it all or he found out some other way (you've left out precisely how that occurred), he shows complete support and understanding (which is beyond amazing and wonderful), and perhaps through all of this, you let out very little emotion at the time because you weren't sure how to feel.

    Therefore, now you wake up this morning, and your brain is now finally trying to make sense of it all, and your crying is your body's way of releasing excess pressure, stress, anxiety, and whatever else.

    And yeah, like I also said above, I'm sure that you a still don't fully understand what you want, or whether you really liked this guy, or not. Give it some time, though. In a month or so, if you take your time and think about things in a critical way, you may come to some important conclusions.

    It seems like this was all very intense, but I hope you'll be able to work through what you're feeling.(*hug*)
     
    #4 MisterMissy, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2017
  5. Rman

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    Thank you for being really supportive, for a long time I've been to shy to even post on forums such as this one. I have severe anxiety problems that I take meds for. I still live with my parents so I told my mom where I was going but i didn't tell my dad because he's a bit conservative. my dad found out later when it was midnight and i was still out. My dad told me how a guy he works with son tried to kill him self for similar feelings like I had, being to afraid to tell his family and he was crying because he doesn't want that to happen to me. a lot of my depressed feelings were that I felt separation anxiety I missed hanging with my brother and sister, when me and my date watched game of thrones the baby wolf reminded me of my puppy and I wanted to be with him. I don't know if a relationship is something I really want or just thought i wanted to try once. but I'm so glad you guys gave me the time of day to give your thoughts, THANK YOU!!!

    ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2017 at 08:22 AM ----------

    How Should I tell the guy, Should I Call him or should I wait until I see him again? I feel really bad because I feel like he was really nice and i want to be respectful but I never did any of this dating stuff before.
     
  6. MisterMissy

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    You mean, how should you tell this guy that you think you went too fast, and/or that you may not be able to see him for a while or something?

    My feeling is, if you're just honest with him, he should probably get it. Cause he's either gay or bi too. So he has to have some idea about what all this self-discovery is like. And if he's not completely clueless, he may have picked up some awkwardness or insecurity from you that night which he may or may not bring up if you were to see him again in person.

    Confessing uncertainty or trying to tell someone that you need your space is never easy. But you also want to show them courtesy by speaking to them openly, so that they don't think of you badly because you cut things off cold, especially if they were really nice to you.

    Probably best to speak to him on the phone or in person, that way you can express yourself properly instead of through ambiguous text. Cause text can only express so much, unless you have a very descriptive vocabulary.
     
    #6 MisterMissy, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2017
  7. Rman

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    I called him on his lunch break and told him how I felt, I broke down in tears and said I liked him as a person and that I enjoyed the attention he gave me and that he was really nice but that I just didn't feel like I wanted a relationship. I told him I would need a few weeks and that I'd call him again and we can hang out as friends. so at the very least I made a new friend and he was very understanding. I feel a lot better now and I appreciate all the help and understanding i've been receiving! I'm not sure about my sexuality at this time but i'm going to continue talking about it with my therapist. Thanks again!