I'm an 18 year old male and extremely confused about my sexuality. Here's a little back ground: Sorry this is so long. I have always identified as straight, had a few girlfriends in high school. Even had sex with one of those girls. My first try at having sex with a girl ended with me not being able to stay hard enough to get it in. I think this has to do with her not being what most would call attractive. The other girl was quite attractive to me and i was able to have sex with her. I never look at men and say oh hes cute or anything like that, but i can tell when i guy is attractive. I almost always use gay porn to get off. Straight porn doesn't do it for me unless it is really high quality, and lesbian porn is okay, but my preferred category is always gay or transsexual. I think about men most of the time when i masturbate without porn, but sometimes women as well, but thinking about men makes my erections harder and my climaxes stronger. When I masturbate thinking and fantasizing about men, I climax and then immediately after I go "why did you do that you're not gay" and I'm back to my normal thoughts about women only. When I was about 11 or so, I snuck into my moms closet and stole a pair of her pink Victoria's Secret lace panties. I enjoyed masturbating in them. Eventually I stole more panties from my mother and sister. To this day, (and even as I'm typing this out) I still wear panties. I even bought my own panties about two months ago (6 more pairs, 11 total) hiding in my underwear drawer so nobody can find them. I never thought about wearing them outside of my bedroom for fear of getting caught, until my sophomore year of high school, I wore a pair of panties to school. I didn't get caught or anything, but after that I wore them to bed constantly. Lately I have worn them to work a few times in the last two weeks. They are comfortable to me. I have experimented with my butt, and I know that doesn't necessarily make one gay if they like it, but i liked it and I imagined it a real mans penis. I am so confused because i do like women and can get fully aroused from them provided she is attractive, but the only men that get me aroused are the ones in gay porn. I cannot see myself in a relationship with a guy, but gay porn is so arousing for me to watch and fantasize about. I have a girlfriend currently and have absolutely no problem getting aroused with her. I have tried stopping wearing the panties and watching gay porn to see if my gay attractions go away, but the longest i went was one month and my fantasies of having sex with men were stronger than ever. At the gym I don't ever look at other guys in the locker room in a sexual way, and i am not really interested. There has only been one guy I have ever looked at in a sexual way in real life, and that guy came out as transgender MtF shortly after me having met him, now her. So that guy was technically a girl all along so I don't know if I count it as a gay crush. It seems that my attraction to men is purely fantasy, but what straight man has fantasies about other men? See where I'm confused? IRL I never look at a guy and want to have a relationship with him, so what do these fantasies mean? What is my orientation? Also is my writing style feminine? as in is it written more like a female or male? I have always been self conscious about that. thank you for any input you have on this. And once again sorry this was so long i am so confused its starting to affect my life and I thought I should put as many details as I can in. (Edit: Paragraphs added by mod to make "wall of text" readable.)
Hi, and welcome. You're in the right place. I know this is perplexing, and probably at some level terrifying for you. The important piece to remember is, no matter what the ultimate outcome is, you'll be OK. So... I think the real answer to your question is found in these two paragraphs: So what we have above is a very clear indication of a strong preference for fantasies about men, and stronger orgasms when the fantasies are about men. That, by itself, is typically a very reliable indicator that you're at the gay end of the spectrum. The post-ejaculation "why did you do that" is actually very common and completely normal for people in the early stages of recognizing they're gay. During masturbation, the hormones are in control, which is why you never feel wrong or guilty until after orgasm. As soon as orgasm is completed, the arousal hormones drop nearly instantly, making us feel very not sexual. There's an evolutionary reason for this: If we weren't hardwired for this, when we were cavemen, we would never have stopped fucking But now, for someone just coming to terms with being gay, what's happening is that unconscious is in control when you're masturbating, and conscious regains control as soon as orgasm happens, and goes "holy shit! I don't want to be gay!" Noooooo!!". That, combined with the hormone drop, leads to the disgust and revulsion. Now... the second paragraph, about how women arouse you under some circumstances, is more likely connected to the conscious rejection of the idea you're gay. Because none of us want to be gay, we'll construct all sorts of rationalizations, excuses, behaviors, and everything else to convince ourselves that we're really not gay. But it is our hormonal, unconscious drives that really tell the tale. And, likewise, the "I can't see myself in a relationship with a guy" is coming from the same place. It's most likely your conscious mind rejecting what you don't want. The cross-dressing likely isn't relevant; that's simply a fetish, and most likely unrelated to your sexual orientation. Plenty of straight men as well as gay men like to cross dress, so we can't infer anything there one way or the other. Now... only you can know for sure. Neither I nor anyone else can tell you what's inside your head, and data from a poll won't really tell you much. This is something you have to figure out. I do think that if you look at the above information, and re-read what you wrote, you'll probably see the same thing I'm seeing. What I'd suggest, if you do, is to sit with that. It will likely be pretty terrifying. But try to work through that, be with it, maybe spend the next week avoiding porn and, when you feel the urge, masturbate, without porn, thinking about guys, and simply "trying on" the idea of being gay. My guess is it will start to feel less foreign and more natural. But only you will know. And... you don't need to decide this today, next week, or even next month. It's up to you. Take your time, and wait to get to a place that feels comfortable.
Hey Chip, thanks alot for your response. You have helped me realize and come to terms with the fact that i do fancy men at least sexually. Romantically is a different story, but your answer really helped. I think i just needed to hear it from someone.
