sorry this is kinda long im an 18 year old male and im very confused. All my life i have considered myself straight. Ever since i can rmember i was very into girls and i never never checked out guys or looked at them even remotely the same way i looked at girls. i never actually masturbated to straight (or gay) sex and the only thing i can masturbate to is a certain fetish (which im not that comfortable sharing) but it is only for girls. anyway i never looked at guys romantically or sexually, and it never crossed my mind. most my life i always struggled with serious anxiety and depression and i barely had any relationships or anything in high school or at all. however my entire life up to this point i considered myself straight and was only able to masturbate to girls and had countless crushes. i got over my anxiety and depression during my junior year and felt great about myself, and not questioning my love for girls at all. however around the end of my senior year of hs i suddenly started to question my sexuality. i started to think i was gay and it brought back my anxiety and depression. i recalled every hookup i had and they were pretty uneventful. just making out, and they were never that enjoyable. at first i thought it might be the girl but i convinced myself i was gay for not simply enjoying the makeouts. i read that anxiety and nerves can ruin a sexual experience, but i convinced myself i did not enjoy it because i am gay. i am now in college and the fear of me being gay torments me. i watch gay porn occasionally to see if i am turned on but i am not, but i am worried i am just in denial and the second i kiss another man i will change and fall in love with men. ivve had these worries all throughout college so far and it has affected me to the point where i no longer strive to talk to girls and instead am much comfortable being alone. i resent these feelings and the last thing i want to do with my life is be with a man and i can not picture myself with a man. i have never been sexually attracted to men but im worried i am only in denial. i have not ruled out being asexual or demisexual. i still get aroused when i am around a girl i like, but i feel like the second i kiss them i wont feel anything. l desperately need another opinion on this again sorry for the long post
Lots of fear happening there. I think it is best not to avoid the issue. You need to know. The truth shall set you free. Is it so bad being gay? Is it so bad being Bi or straight? Some advice that really helped me immensely was on a you tube video. It was about observing people, taking note of who you found attractive, who you were attracted to, and who gave you the dopamine effect. that is, what people give that feel good feeling? I always thought that I was bisexual, but I came across a really cute young couple in thier early twenties walking across the road whilst I was in my car at the red light. They were both very attractive and both cute. But I couldn't keep my eyes of the guy! It shocked the hell out of me, but the more I sat back and just allowed my own body to react and tell me what it was it was attracted to, the more I can accept it and move forward. You might find that if you do the same observations, looking at who gives you the dopamine, you will get some finality and peace whatever the result? Just an idea, and one that helped me.
My advice would be to try and avoid focusing on overthinking your situation and to just experience it. In my honest but unprofessional (and, considering I do not know you, uneducated) opinion I think you are probably straight or bisexual along with being demisexual but not gay. Though it is terrifying I think you should consider imagining yourself in a relationship with a man, imagine the sex and intimacy and figure out whether you feel comfortable in that relationship. Even more terrifying, if the situation arises I think you should try kissing a man. If you suddenly to come to a realization that you are gay then at least you will know, I think in your case it will be difficult to come to terms with and it may not be what you want to hear but you cannot repress your sexuality. Whether you are gay or not you cannot avoid it and so experimenting and taking part in some self discovering when you are feeling brave enough is what I would advise you.
