Question for lesbians who didn't always know

I've never felt that way for a guy. But I've also never been physical with a guy. Depending on your definition, I sort of had a boyfriend before I "knew", although nothing physical happened. We would talk about mushy stuff and sometimes he would talk about sexual stuff although it never actually happened. I was 14 at the time and kind of grossed out at the thought of doing anything with him. I thought I was just a prude or late bloomer and didn't realize it was a sign of something else.

I'm a 6 on the kinsey scale, so this is going to be a bit different for lesbians who aren't as rigid.

You could be somewhere on the bisexual spectrum or you could have just forced yourself to feel that way because of social pressures. The only thing I know is that I never felt aroused by a guy. The only time I got aroused by men is if I imagined them having gay sex with each other, and in the end that turned out to just be a general interest in homosexuality instead of an interest in men. Imagining myself doing anything sexual with a man makes me dry almost instantly.

 

I discovered that I was a lesbian at age 20 and I have had a boyfriend and kissed some boys.

Were you ever in love?

Looking back on it, I don't think it was true love. Keep in mind that you can think that you are in love with someone while in reality you're just strongly platonically/emotionally attracted to this person or you just strongly admire them. I have certainly thought that I loved some boys, but, when my lesbian friends describe the way that they have loved women I realize that I have never felt that way about guys. They say that a woman makes them feel complete, that if they love a woman they want nothing else but her.. I don't think that I've ever felt such an intense yearning for a guy.

Did the kisses give you sparks down your spine?

No. Kissing guys did nothing for me.

I know this is kinda a raunchy question but did you ever get physically aroused?

Yes. But not because I am sexually attracted to men. You can get aroused for various reasons that have nothing to do with sexual attraction whatsoever. For example, you can get aroused by just thinking about sex, by seeing sexual activity through pornography, by being touched, because someone else around you is aroused, by feeling uncomfortable or anxious, etcetera.

Not like just getting wet but also... "that hot feeling down there" when u saw them naked or kissed them or hugged them?

When I saw a guy naked, it never did anything for me. Maybe I got aroused from kissing and hugging guys a few times, but I'm pretty sure that that did not mean that I was sexually attracted to these guys. And, 'the hot feeling down there' that I got from doing this with guys does not come close to the sexual arousal that I can feel for girls.

Do u think it's possible for someone to just be a lesbian if they've ever felt that way with a guy?

Well, yeah, I think so.
Being a lesbian means to me that you're exclusively sexually attracted to other women. The difference between sexual attraction and sexual arousal to me is this: when you get sexually aroused by female body (without being touched by it), you are sexually attracted to the female body. Sexual arousal is just 'the hot feeling in your pants' to me, but keep in mind that sexual arousal is not only caused by sexual attraction: thinking of or seeing sexual activity (whether it suits your sexual orientation or not), being touched, or being around someone who is sexually aroused can also cause you to feel sexually aroused for example.
I think the word lesbian suits you just fine if you are only sexually attracted to other women.

Is it normal that a vagina does not appeal to me?

Yeah, I don't think it's weird to feel this way if you're still figuring out your sexuality. I actually thought that vaginas were disgusting when I first realized that I am attracted to women. I couldn't even bear to look at my own. I feel really different about them now. They're still not my favorite female body part but I think they're ok now and I wouldn't mind touching one. So you're not abnormal.

 

I mean by that that if you can sense that someone else is aroused (because they're moaning or erect or looking at you as if they're aroused or whatever), this can make you feel aroused too. In the same way that having a sad person around can make you feel sad and having a happy person around can make you feel happy.

You might be gay, but.. If you feel fine with your current bf, then what's the problem? I'm sure that what you're describing isn't all too uncommon within relationships. Or do you subconsciously feel like you are just convincing yourself that you're happy with this relationship?

If you want to test if you're truly sexually attracted to men, you could always do the masturbation test: try to fantasize about having sex with a man while masturbating without watching porn. Does doing this sexually arouse you? Does doing this come naturally to you, is it satisfying to you? If it is, you'll know that you're truly sexually attracted to men.

 

I'm a 6 on the kinsey scale, so this is going to be a bit different for lesbians who aren't as rigid.

You could be somewhere on the bisexual spectrum or you00 could have just forced yourself to feel that way because of social pressures. The only thing I know is that I never felt aroused by a guy. The only time I got aroused by men is if I imagined them having gay sex with each other, and in the end that turned out to just be a general interest in homosexuality instead of an interest in men. Imagining myself doing anything sexual with a man makes me dry almost instantly.[/QUOTE]

It is interesting that you say about being aroused by Gay men having sex, because I have been aroused by the the thought of Lesbian sex. Perhaps that was my interest in homosexuality and homosexual issues.

But as a man questioning my sexuality I have always found women attractive and even there bodies. However I am not sure about how I feel about vaginas and having vaginal sex. But I have ben interested in Gay men's bums for a long time, and even giving blow jobs. However I thought the idea of gay male sex gross, but secretly liked the idea, although I felt ashamed of this.

 

I am 31 and have one long term relationship with a woman and one with a man. I had far better sex with the woman than the man and now I find women more attractive and feel more sexual desire for women than men. I do still class myself as bisexual but I have had orgasms with both male and female (sorry if this is too much info). But I am far more turned on by women. My problem is in my life I have fancied very few people like really fancied them and am certainly not on the scene so I find it very difficult to meet bi or lesbian women. Hence why I have been single for 18 months… haha

 

I realised I was a lesbian when I was about 19-20. I had dated some guys in the past, was intimate with them, and had one boyfriend (it lasted about three months). I did oral with a few of them and also received it, but I never actually had penetrative sex with a guy.

I never had intense feelings for any of the guys I was with. Looking back, I never felt turned on, 'hot', or like I really wanted them. I would always find excuses not to go on more dates and I was always the one who ended things with them. I kind of forced myself to go along with kissing them, as I felt I had to, and not because I wanted to. To be honest, I always felt kind of disgusting kissing a guy. There were no sparks, ever.

In saying that, there is actually one man (much older than I) to whom I do feel sexually attracted to. I don't know why I feel sexually drawn to him, but I just do. He is completely off limits and unavailable, however. I don't believe this makes me any less of a lesbian. I have literally never felt these feelings towards any other man in my life - only him. I think he is an exception or something.

I don't think I am bi, because the thought of having sex with men in general (besides him) feels so wrong/disgusting to me. I am comfortable identifying as a lesbian because I am primarily sexually attracted to women and only want to date women. Attraction is a complex thing sometimes, so I try not to beat myself up over having these feelings for this one man despite being a lesbian.

I always felt something was missing, though it took me so long to realise and accept that I was actually into women. Being intimate with a woman, on the other hand, turns me on like crazy!

 

I'm 46 years old and was married to a guy for 10 years and had several long-term boyfriends. The only times I was aroused while being physical with a guy is if I felt the guy found me extremely attractive, which made me feel good. Otherwise I did not find men themselves (or their body parts) sexually attractive. My only sexual fantasies about men involved them being so in love and attracted to me that they couldn't control themselves.

I have found the female body arousing ever since I was 8 years old (I remember becoming very excited if I saw women in bras or their breasts at this age). At age 10 I was looking at my parents' Playboy magazines and becoming very aroused. At age 11 I remember seeing some older girls at a summer camp taking a shower and becoming very aroused. At age 12 I remember looking at my parents' Penthouse magazines and becoming very aroused looking at women's vaginas (I still find vaginas highly arousing). Since at least age 13 I've masturbated about/had fantasies about having sex with women at least several times per week, even throughout my marriage. The past 6 years or so my sexual fantasies have been 100% about women; over my lifetime, I would say at least 97% about women.

However, I didn't really think of myself as lesbian until recently, because unlike other lesbians I've heard of, I never really fell in love with other women or had really close female relationships (all my best friends have been guys) and actually felt somewhat uncomfortable around women (may have something to do with having a hyper-critical, perfectionistic mother). So, I've felt like sexually/physically I'm pretty much 100% lesbian, but not emotionally a lesbian, so I felt like I wasn't really a lesbian.

I've been dating a woman recently where we've had lots of sex and it has been the most incredible experience of my life, like a fantasy come true, but I don't think I'm in love with her, though I have some emotional attachment to her. It's like all the physical stuff I did with guys before wasn't even sex, but some weird, annoying stuff involving penises. I almost find the thought of heterosexual sex sort of disgusting now (I can't watch it on porn, though I never really liked watching straight porn in any case).

I've also recently had a crush on another woman, so I think I'm opening up to the idea of having romantic feelings towards women, whereas before they were just purely sexual/physical. I always thought I could have romantic relationships with men (and maybe even remarry a guy) but just enjoy women through fantasy or maybe just as hook-ups; however, I'm starting to think differently now about the possibility of actually having an emotional, romantic relationship with a woman. I think Chip has suggested that my unwillingness to think of women romantically is probably due to internalized homophobia or trying to deny my homosexuality, which is probably true, but frankly I'm still struggling with this notion to some extent. Like part me thinks: women for sex, men for serious relationships.

 

Were you ever in love?
I had a few boyfriends, but I would usually dump them within a week, as I was uncomfortable, somehow, with having a boyfriend, even if it sounded nice in theory.
I did fall in love, though, once, without realizing it. But it was with a girl. Our friendship ended badly, and, when it did, I did some self-reflecting and realized how I actually felt about her. Man. I was sure attached.

Did the kisses give you sparks down your spine?
No. In fact, the last guy kiss I remember, I felt like I was kissing a dog. It was gross. Other guy kisses didn't really spark any feelings.

I know this is kinda a raunchy question but did you ever get physically aroused?

Not by looking at, or being with, actual men, but sometimes I would imagine being with a man, and get somewhat aroused.

Do u think it's possible for someone to just be a lesbian if they've ever felt that way with a guy?

The sexual arousal stuff, yeah, probably. If you have fallen in love with a guy, no. Sexual arousal though, in women, can be caused by a number of things.

Is it normal that a vagina does not appeal to me?
I'm not sure. It appeals to me, but I understand that not every lesbian is the same.