Basically this is a follow up from my previous post about how I am really struggling to figure out my sexuality and although I've tried things simply aren't getting easier To summarise, I've never really been physically attracted to girls and never been in a proper relationship with a girl. When I imagine myself in a relationship I always see myself with a guy and 90% of my fantasies involve guys. (It would paint a better picture to read my previous post by going on my profile cause this doesn't tell the whole story). the advice I got in general was to not label myself and try just thinking "I like guys more than girls" and see if that made it easier. But it has made my mind go into questioning overdrive to the point where it's on my mind regularly. the thing that might be causing this insane level of uncertainty is the fact that there's a girl who is one of my best friends and I'm 90% sure she fancies me and wants me to ask her out. This is confusing me so much cause I like her as a friend but I feel like I couldn't enter a relationship because I might be gay. I have no sexual attraction for women. And I feel more romantic attractions towards men, much less towards women. It's just when I get to the point where I've told myself "ok you don't have sexual or romantic attractions to women, but you do to men " I then start to feel upset/nervous which leads to more questioning and an endless cycle, leading to me feeling awful and stressed out. It was suggested that I may have built up internalised homophobia which is just blocking me from grasping the obvious signs I fantasise about guys and imagine myself more with guys than girls. It's just like there is something blocking my mind from working it out which I can't see. If anyone can suggest anything, or even ask questions which make me think about who I am it would be so appreciated cause it's not fun feeling like this. Thanks!
Hi Sf98, I'm going to give you my honest opinion based upon reading all of your posts to this point. Since I don't know you in real life, please understand that my comments are limited to what you have posted here and there is certainly a large margin for error. With that said, though, here's some thoughts for you. 1. You sound gay to me. Your fantasies and desires (which you articulate well) indicate that you have attraction to men and not women. 2. You have a lot of internalized homophobia. That is normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. But it causes you to see "gay" through stereotypical imagery and porn. You seem to think that seeing a shirtless guy should give you an instant erection. Why? Should all straight guys get instantly erect upon seeing a hot woman? Perhaps some do, but most wouldn't. You need to remove this idea that just because you are gay that means you should be attracted to all men, and be instantly attracted. Attraction just doesn't work that way. 3. You consider yourself to be confused about your sexuality and still questioning whether or not you are gay. I submit to you that you are fooling yourself here. I think you are gay, and I think deep down you already know it. You aren't confused. You just haven't accepted that you are gay yet. You are not yet OK with being gay, but I do think you know it even if you don't yet accept it. Each of us in this journey will go through the stages of loss (in this case a loss of a straight identity). Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Grief - Acceptance. I see a lot of bargaining in your posts and still some denial. 4. You say, "It's just like there is something blocking my mind from working it out which I can't see." Yes, and it's a lack of self-acceptance that's blocking you. So, your attempts to define yourself leave you in the endless loop. Let's look at the loop: You tell yourself, "ok you don't have sexual or romantic attractions to women, but you do to men" and then start to feel upset and nervous which leads to more questioning. It's the part when you are feeling upset and nervous about thinking that you are gay that is the non-accepting part of yourself. This is denial and anger. So, you then reject the idea because you don't accept it and aren't ok with it, so then the cycle repeats. 5. You need to work on self-acceptance. When you can finally admit to yourself that you are gay, and can say with confidence "I'm gay" that's when things will change for you and you can move forward. By the way, saying "I'm gay" is super important to this journey of self-acceptance and coming out. For me, it was the final barrier to me finally finding the authentic person inside that I hid for so long. It's so important to me that I made it my username here on EC. 6. Sometimes well-meaning advice here can backfire. Someone who is questioning their sexuality is often advised to avoid labeling themselves. The intent there is to help people keep their options open and allow them to come to an understanding of their sexuality without creating artificial barriers. For you, however, the longer you continue to go back and forth the harder this will be for you. If you had said that you also have attraction to women, it would be different. You don't seem to, so that's why I advise you to work on accepting that you are gay, and work on finding peace with that. I know very well how difficult this journey is to take. But you must continue to move forward on this road. The only alternative is to stand still. I can promise you that standing still will be the same mistake I made oh so many years ago. Let's walk together down this road, shall we? ride:
Thank you, I have been doing exactly what OP has been doing. I feel a lot of the things that OP is going through, yet it is as obvious to anyone that knows me that i am gay. The advice here is perfect. I'm with OP too, I am going to move forward somehow, and just bloody well accept it.
Thank you so much for that advice, it has really helped . Just to go into a bit more detail Another thing what may be blocking me a bit is the fact that I've never had "butterflies" for a guy. Like I've never felt that spark with anyone but that might be because all of my friends are straight. It's just makes me keep questioning. Another thing that literally happened today was that it was that girl I mentioned who I think fancies me's birthday and we went out for a meal with some friends and I just started feeling upset for like no reason whatsoever because I'm not attracted to her. That may be the internal homophobia kicking in again making me feel bad. Any advice on how to overcome this internal homophobia? Because I think that's my biggest problem at the moment and it's holding me back. Thanks again for the advice and for taking the time to read my posts though it really is much appreciated
I was formulating this same message in my head and trying to figure out how to not come off as a a$$. To reiterate, I don't know you. I have no magic ball that shows me your thoughts and feelings. But, your description of your thoughts, attractions and lack of attractions is gay. I would go so far as to note that there are gay men here who talk about having some level of attraction to females. You have none. Again we can't tell you who you are. Only issue an opinion based on what you've written.
Internalized homophobia comes from a variety of sources in our lives, but it's unique for each individual. It will depend upon the forces that shaped you in your life. There are so many potential sources of this that it's difficult for me to focus on any of them because I don't know you or your life circumstances. So, here's just a partial list of where this comes from: 1. Family. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings. Some people grow up in a family where one or more of these people make homophobic remarks or make it clear in other ways that they do not accept homosexuality. 2. Religion. Most religions teach that homosexuality is a sin against God. If you grew up with strong religious teachings in a church that condemns homosexuality, the contributions to your internal homophobia are obvious. 3. School. Whether it's teachers who make particular comments, or the sex education that focused only on straight attractions, the inference here is that school as a learning environment often isn't accepting of people who fall outside the "norms." In addition, school is often a place of group dynamics and clicques. Some of these are terribly homophobic and frequently use homophobic remarks. 4. Friends. If you have surrounded yourself with straight guys as your friends, they will talk about girls, sex with girls, etc. For a gay boy, this is extremely difficult to deal with. So, you nod your head in agreement and hope they don't see through you. You pretend you like this girl's breasts or that girl's ass just to go along. But deep down you know you are pretending with them. Some gay people can't handle this and end up one by one losing all their friends or never really making friends in the first place because of this. The frustration of not being real with your friends contributes to internalized homophobia. 5. Society. Today, things are much different, and there is much more acceptance in our culture. It wasn't always that way, nor is it that way everywhere even now. As a source of homophobia, it's often a million tiny ways that our hetero culture is ingrained in you. Movies, TV, books, social media simply present the heteronormative, established mode of thinking. It's the basic idea that straight = normal. Therefore, anything not straight is by definition abnormal. Movies are by and large heteronormative. How often do you see the boy gets the boy in a movie. No, it's the boy gets the girl. When you look at movies that do actually feature a gay character as the lead, it is usually filled with stereotype. The same is true of TV. This contributes to internalized homophobia. Ok, so now we have an idea of where this all comes from. What to do about it? First, recognizing the factors in your own life from among my list (or others you think of that I didn't) is a great first step. When we acknowledge the factors that lead to your thinking, you can then remind yourself that you don't have to believe in the myth. Second, work on self-acceptance. The more confident you are in your sexuality, the less bothersome this heteronormativity becomes and you will be able to recognize it much easier. Third, internalized homophobia thrives on shame. Work on ridding yourself of the shame that has been instilled in you from the earliest ages. Fourth, come out. This is best done after you have fully accepted your sexuality. Coming out is an important part of this journey and can help you to remove the last remnants of unwanted internal homophobia. Fifth, meet others who share your journey. Find your local LGBT center and look for resources where you can meet other gay guys going through the same thing as you. Sharing your story with others (just like here on EC) is a great way to remove internalized homophobia. I hope these ideas help you. Please continue to seek advice from others here as well. I have been on my own journey of self-acceptance for only the last few years, and only came out last June. Others here will also have more advice for you. Take care. ride:
