I'm really struggling to come to terms with my sexuality and am not quite sure where to go from here. I've only recently begun to realize that I'm attracted to women/let myself be attracted to women. This is in part because I grew up in a conservative/hyper-heteronormative household (that has transitioned to being very liberal over the years), and due to the fact that I don't feel really feel sexual attraction when I am stressed. And I had a very stressful childhood, due to the fact my dad is emotionally abusive. I'm living way far away from home now, so I don't have to deal with his bull, and now I finally have time to actually analyze me and where I'm at relationship wise. I've lived away from home before, but this is the first time I've sat down, let go of my "straight" identity, and critically analysed my romantic/sexual feelings. This is where I'm currently having issues: I grew up really idealizing heterotypical "man and women fall in love and wait until marriage to have sex and then have kids" kinds of relationships. I wanted it badly. Despite never feeling sexual attraction to men, I've tried to like them really really hard and I honestly wanted to marry a guy. Never mind that I always struggled to see/visualize myself having a future with a man or having sex with one. So recently now that I've let myself like women, I've realized that my attraction to them feels a lot more natural, warm, and comforting. Thinking about having a future girl friend or wife feels sweet and natural, and for the first time ever I've been able to masturbate while imagining myself in a sexual situation with another human being, they just had to be female. And I feel way less inclined to wait until marriage (or indefinitely) to have sex, if it's with another woman and more inclined to try to actively date people rather than dragging my feet and making excuses. What really gets me is that I previously I was so incredibly convinced I was straight. I really wanted this heteronormative lifestyle, despite feeling lukewarm towards a future with a guy, and I really wanted to be romantically and sexually attracted to men, despite never naturally developing a crush on one (I feel like I made the mental choice to crush on two guys). I do find many men to be aesthetically attractive, I do still think many are sweet/funny/kind, and I'm still convinced I was able to fall in love or some kind of love with one guy once (and felt relief when he didn't return my feelings, haha). I'm not even sure what exactly my deal is, but I feel very stressed by all of this, to the point I'm struggling to focus on my studies/work. Maybe I'm wondering if my attraction to women is fake, but I feel like I already have proven to myself that it's not. Maybe I still think I can be attracted to a man, even though imagining myself having sex with or marrying a man is stressful. Maybe I want to go back to being straight despite not actually wanting to be straight/be with a man. I know I can still have kids- something that is important to me- if I marry a woman. Maybe it's the perceived weight/baggage associated with the term lesbian. Maybe the gap in the perception I had of myself and who I ended up to be are so different that I'm struggling to come to terms with everything, I dunno. How can I feel better about everything? Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Have gone through most of this myself as a gay man. I'm very introspective and critical about everything. But the difference with me is that public and familial perception worried me and stressed me out more than what I personally was. So once I came out to them, I felt much more free to just let my feelings grow and develop as they would like, rather than trying to guide them or predict where they would fall on the orientation spectrum. At first I was Bi curious, then bisexual, then Bi with a preference for men, and now gay. And that's just over the last month long period, but it all happened because I felt like I could just let my mind settle into what it wanted rather than worry if it's what I wanted, or whether I would be okay with the outcome. I still have things deep thought, but I tried most often to relax and just watch my thoughts change, as if I'm a spectator watching a soccer game. Once my gayness won out (it seems) I've been extremely happy about the results. There are still some quirks to be sure. Gay porn, for the most part, does nothing for me, but artwork or animation of gay men does. I also still find women attractive and fun to hang out with, because I identify with them a bit more than your average guy. Also, depending on how masculine a particular woman might be, there is also room in my heart and mind to see myself in a relationship with her, even if for just a short time. Best thing you can do right now is to try and remove your conscious self from what your subconscious is doing. Don't try to be so active with your feelings for now, and let them work themselves out naturally. Very soon you should feel more at peace about it all, and you'll know what you like and what you want.
Wait, MisterMissy, you're attracted to men and masculine women and you identify as gay? Is that how people do it? Or... I dunno. Because masculine guys usually just don't do it for me.I might identify with them at best. And there are Exceptions, few and far between. ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2017 at 08:34 AM ---------- Sorry for interrupting, rainyday. I have nothing to say, because I'm stuggling with similar problems myself. I have no idea what I talked myself into, and what not. What is confusing, I checked if I'm gay so many times and I missed so hard, just because romance in my head equated heterosexuality and was followed by a wedding and setting up a nuclear family with a mom and dad and two kids and a picket fence, maybe two gay guys who have a picket fence and have an interest in feminine gender roles... (ah stereotypes...)
Thank you guys for your replies. I think I'm just frustrated that I can't just be ok with being a lesbian, like I feel like I know everything is fine and will be fine on some level but on another level I'm panicking. Well, I feel more calm today though @MisterMissy thank you for the advice, I've been trying not to be so active analyzing and over analyzing everything and I think it's happening. Although I have been thinking about why I even feel anxious about going to lgbt groups, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm the one still stigmitizing the "Lesbian" label if I feel anxious about coming out to other lbgt people who wouldn't judge me on that label. And I think I do still feel insecure about my attraction to women, since I'm not finding every woman I lay eyes on as really attractive/sexy/whatever. I'm trying to take baby steps right now. My parents used to do (still do) this bullshit thing where every guy approximately that I vaguely interacted with or that looked in my general direction they'd be like "what about him?? He's cute and it looks like he's into you??" I'd then feel pressured to say "sure" or try to imagine myself being attracted to him. Right now I'm trying to take the pressure off myself by saying "I don't have to be attracted to him".
