Hey everyone, this is my first post here as I recently made an account for the first time after reading forums on the website for the past few years a non-member. I'm currently a bit confused about my sexuality for a few reasons but I will meintion them after a bit of background. I am currently 18 and when I was 14 and in my first year of high school I realized I was Gay. Through-out my life, I have always fantasized about men and admired the male body and never had any feelings for women in a sexual way although in elementary school there were girls I thought were pretty and "had a crush on." When my cousin and I where 6 years old, we would place our heads on each others stomachs and put our hands down each others pants and basically feel each other up. I always prompted this and told him it was a game called "The tummy test" so he would agree to it. He did not enjoy this and it made him feel uncomfortable. When in pre-school I sometimes asked other boys to play another game I came up with called "The Care Bear Game" in which him and I would go to a secluded spot and have them lift up their shirt to "reveal their powers." When I was little, I liked to look at advertisements of muscled men in magazines like Vanity Fair that my parents subscribed to. I never cared for and usually ignored the ones picturing women. Despite all of this, I assumed I was straight up until I was 12 when I noticed another boy in my 7th grade science class who I thought was cute. It was also this school year when I grew very close to another boy who would bring me gifts from home like books and video games he didn't want anymore. Sometimes he would call me late at night and ask "What are you wearing?" We were never officially a couple but he would walk me to my classes and eat lunch together and I would call him when I wanted to talk. Eventually our close friendship ended when he left me a voicemail one night calling me a "gay ass faggot." My parents found out about the voicemail and forced me to stop hanging out with him even though I wasn't offended. This is around the time I began to question my sexuality even though there was a girl who attended my school I had liked since 3rd grade. I found her to be very attractive. My parents knew all about her and we even saw a movie together the previous school year. Eventually she left my school and I lost interest in her. Over the summer between graduating middle school and entering high school at the age of 14, I discovered the website Aussiebum and I enjoyed watching the homoerotic advertisements on the website and they would give me an erection (this all before I ever watched porn for the first time BTW.) I didn't think anything of it despite the fact I found it very arousing. Once I entered freshman year I became friends with a senior I found very handsome. He was always really nice to me and he was my first real 'gay crush' although I knew he was straight and never had a chance. This is when I stopped one day while taking a test and thought to myself "oh my god I'm gay." At first I did not know how to feel about it although a week later I came to terms with myself and realized I should love myself for who I am and I can't change that. However, after about a month I began to question my sexuality again and began internally asking detrimental questions like "what if being gay is a choice?" or "What If something is wrong with me?" I masturbated for the first time around this time and started to watch gay porn. I really enjoyed it and it got me off. I tried watching Lesbian porn but it does not do anything for me. I made a Twitter account the summer after freshman year and began to follow other gay people. My parents did not know about this account since I had not yet come out to them but one day after going through my phone they discovered it and I was forced to come out despite the fact that I was kind of questioning my sexuality. They asked "how do you know" and I told them about my crush on the senior but they were quick to bring up the girl I thought was pretty in middle school and called the crush I had on the senior a "man crush." My dad said "I had man crushes too when I was your age." Fast forward to my current age 18, and I currently have a boyfriend. My parents do not know about him yet because he significantly older. I love him very much and I fantasize about him all the time and in fact, fantasizing about him is really the only thing that gives me an erection. We have had sex several times and I really enjoyed it. Although he was always the top. Here is why I am questioning my sexuality currently: 1. When I masturbate, I cum/climax quicker when I fantasize about women while jacking off for some reason and 2. When it came time for me to take a turn topping my boyfriend, I could not get hard (but I had just received two handjobs in a row and bottomed for the first time and was very tired at that point.) All of my wet dreams in my life have been about men, never women. I even had a wet dream about my boyfriend once. I'm just confused as to why I ejaculate quicker when I picture women and not men. It does not make much sense to me even though I always fantasize about men and enjoy the sex I have had with my boyfriend. I also look forward to having sex with my boyfriend again. Anyway, thank you for reading and your feedback! I Know that was long. I'm just a bit confused right now. Am I perhaps Bisexual with a preference for men? Or does what I fantasize about while mastubating not really mean anything?
Hi there thanks for sharing your story at least you remember your journey , regarding ejackulating fast like that is my view it has zero to do with who I are and atrratscted too , it seems very apparent you are gay to me and you seem to be getting comfortable with it . Sometimes fantasies are simply that and sometimes they are sort of cool and hot, different than your actions . I am married and bisexual because I am physically attracted to both sexes but only romantically and emotionally involved with my wife . Hope that helps
When you masturbate, are you thinking of men the whole time UNTIL you're about to climax and only then imagining women? I think there's a definite difference between that snd thinking of women the entire time. If it's just at the end, it probably has less to do with attraction and more with something else. I'm not sure what that something else is but if you could rule out they its attraction, then perhaps you will be able to delve deeper and think of what else it could be.
I also think you should read up on the following Sexuality identity Sexual orientation Sexual fantasy Sexual behavior They don't necessarily intersect
Thanks for replying! I usually only think about women until I'm close to climaxing but before that I usually fantasize about men. Fantasizing about women also does not get me hard while I'm soft.
Well you are attracted to men, so that is a given. About topping: after two hand jobs and bottoming, I would be really surprised if you could still get it up and enjoy it like you did the rest. Sex does come with a cool down period ;-) Also, there are some Gay people who are not "made" for topping, they can't get it up or have other problems. The same goes for other men and bottoming. It is more a question of preference and practice than anything else. Finally, the difference between a strongly Gay leaning bisexual and a sometimes bicurious Gay guy is very academic. What you feel comfortable identifying as does not need to rely on every little detail about your life. Maybe you have a women-only-as-masturbation-fantasy sexuality :-D What I mean by that is: Have fun with your boyfriend, see what attracts you in real life and if you happen to be a bisexual and not a "perfect" Homo (I don't want to imply any ranking here), it really doesn't change much ;-) Also 18 is still quit young. The question when sexual development is completely finished is still not answered completely, iirc, so don't worry. I know a couple of people who fell in love with women after id-ing as Gay for some time and have since returned to being mostly Gay.
