Hi all! I am very new to this and just want feedback. So I am 23, just graduated from college and am still a until a couple of weeks ago. I had a girlfriend from the time I was 12-19, and I never really wanted to date in college. I was attracted to girls very much and hooked up with them but never had sex with them. However, I started to date my best friend (a girl) and I had lied to her previously about being a virgin. She was very experience and I knew all of her last and it kind of creeped me out from the get go because I have always had body issues. However, when we started to talk about having sex I spent countless hours on the internet researching, daily on how to be good at sex, etc. it consumed my entire day, then when she came and we messed around for the first time it was great. We didn't have sex however I was very, very nervous and I went to the doctor and got a prescription for CIalis and that didn't even help much. adfer messing around one night, I looked at her naked and the random thought came into my mind I wonder if she had a dick if I would like it. Then after that, the entire situation started to unfold. It made me go into a countless cycle of questioning my sexuality after never doing it before. I have spent the last two months consumed online everyday for hours looking up how to know if you are fat, etc. so next time I saw her and we were about to have sex, it just didn't feel right. At all. I felt like I was lying to her or hiding something because I didn't feel right. Obviously, how you know you are fat is being attracted to the same sex however up until this point I never really was or ever had any thoughts about it. It all manaifesfed when I saw her naked for the first time and the random thought of if she had a dick would I like it. Now, the last few months have been hell. I constantly spend hours a day worrying if I am gay or not and recently broke up with my girlfriend because I was so worried about it. When I had sex for the first time she was on top of me and I closed my eyes for one point and all I invisioned a guy on top of me. It wasn't a guy in particular, just a guy and I instantly went flaccid after this. I feel so bad because my feelings for this girl are crazy, I love her to death but I don't know if I a gay or not. My mom came out as gay a couple years ago after being married for 20 years. I don't know if this is a factor in it or if I really am gay? Any feedback would be great. Leading up to us having sex I had so much performance anxiety and spent countless hours worrying about if I was going to be big enough or vice versa compared to her other guys she had been with, I don't know if that factors into it or not. What do you all think?
Well did you want to have sex? Because maybe it was pier pressure and you didnt feel like you were ready so you imagined ssomone else (no one in particular like you said) just stop all this worrying for one second and think, who do i find sexually attractive? Then who do i find romantically attractive? Some people are sexually attracted to one sex and romantically attracted to the other. I hope this helped a little reply if you have more questions
Welcome to EC. I can imagine how difficult and anxiety-provoking this must be for you. What I can tell you is that the experiences you've had thus far are actually a lot more common than you might imagine. As to whether you're gay or not... I think the answer to that is wrapped up in other issues that you are just starting to explore. One of the best ways to get a handle on your sexual orientation is to explore your sexual fantasies during masturbation without porn. What I usually suggest is that people who are exploring these questions spend some time (a week or two) in a number of masturbation sessions and alternately think about guys in one session, girls the next... and then some where they create no conscious fantasies and just see where their mind naturally takes them. Usually from this experience, a pattern emerges: you find that one or the other creates much stronger arousal and the experience is more intense. If you find that it is guys who create the more intense experience, it's also not uncommon to feel a sense of revulsion or disgust after ejaculation; this is the somewhat normal response of the conscious mind that wants to reject the idea we are gay. Another factor that can enter into this is whether, separately from these issues, there is a tendency toward anxiety. If you have a lot of anxiety in other aspects of your life it will naturally carry over to this. And that is going to impact the experience and the fears as well, making it more complicated to understand your feelings. If you are comfortable trying the above and talking about your experience with it (or perhaps you already can answer it), that will make it a lot easier to separate out the different pieces of what's going on for you.
Honestly, even though no one except you can tell you your own personal sexual orientation, none of what you describe seems particularly "gay". A stray thought does not make you gay, if it did, I would be attracted to right about everybody inappropriate :-D. Stray thoughts can happen, and they can also be very intrusive, but they are not who you are. You are attracted to a woman, you could not maintain an erection thinking about a guy, you love her. All those together are really the opposite of being gay. Now, as always, the final answer is yours. You might even decide to try and see if you are really gay by experimenting any way you like. That is up for you to decide. But I would recommend to focus on calming down and getting that girl. Because it sounds like you really want that ;-) Anxiety in general can also ruin partnership and sex ;-). So the first and most important thing is to calm down. Not being "big enough" is not even as "big" a problem (pun totally intended) in the long run. I am no expert on what women like during sex, but most agree that it is not what you have but what you do. Communication is the key. If you let her tell you what she likes, everything should work out fine.
