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Am I a Crossdresser, Transgender, Gay, or Bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Lacie1, Mar 3, 2017.

  1. Lacie1

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    Hello everyone.

    I'm not sure what the heck I am anymore. I'm a 43 year old male. I started cross dressing when I was very young at age 4. I'd sneak my grandmothers pantyhose whenever I could get my hands on them. (I still remember the incredible adrenaline rush I felt then) But then there was a period of not much memory of cross dressing up until about age 13. Then every time I dressed I'd end the session with masterbation (like many cross dressers do.) Each dressing session ended with me ripping the clothes off in disgust and feeling ashamed of myself. I was a pretty average guy who played sports, tried to be macho who always had a girlfriend. I enjoyed sex with girls but they had to be VERY pretty and girly. The more feminine and girly they were then the more attracted I was to them. I was never attracted to guys in any way. But then at age 14 a friend asked me if I wanted to jerk off with him. I agreed but asked him if I could have a pair of his mother's pantyhose. (I know..gross right:wink: He laughed but came back with not only pantyhose but a half slip too. When I got dressed I was super excited and ended up asking him if I could jerk him off. He agreed and I found it to be very enjoyable. For about 2 years we fooled around every few weeks. I would only want to be with him if I was dressed though. I had absolutely no desire to do anything with him if I wasn't wearing women's clothes. Fast forward to my 20's. I was always in a relationship with a girl but had some flings with men too. (again only while dressed.) Back then I guess I just identified myself as a cross dresser who liked girls and had sex with men on occasion. Since my mid-30's my desire to dress and be with a man has increased quite a bit. I'm currently in a 10 year relationship with a woman. Our sex life has dropped off considerably for several reasons. But the main reason is me. I would much rather get dressed, and watch straight porn then have sex with her. (With the porn watching I fantasize about being the woman) For just the past couple of years I have increased the length of time I stay dressed. Used to be I'd dress for 30 minutes do my thing and then be done. But now I dress for hours and sometimes all day. Also I am finding that I have to be much more aware of my mannerisms and how I act while in male mode around other people. I have been acting way more loose and feminine than I ever have. And my femininity REALLY comes out if I smoke weed or drink a lot. My best friend (who knows my situation) has reminded me how girly I act when I've had too much to smoke or drink. The biggest surprise to myself is that lately I've fantasized about having women's breast. There are days when I feel like more of a guy and want to do guy things. But then then there are days that I feel extremely feminine. On these "pink fog" days I asks myself, "If I could change into a woman without any repercussions with family and friends would I do it?" Sometimes I say yes and other times no. But the Yes's have increased. So I don't know what I am right now. I am very confused. Am I a cross dresser or transgender? Am I gay? I've of course drawn the Bi conclusion often but don't know how accurate that is. If I was truly Bi then I'd have sex with men without any clothes on right? As it stands I would NEVER have sex with a man without wearing women's clothes. Thanks to all for any advice! And sorry for the long post!
     
  2. caraudioaddict

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    Maybe a mixture of things but i think i sense a bit of transgender
     
  3. MisterMissy

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    You certainly have been doing this sort of thing for some time, and because of how long you've been doing it I would almost suspect that there could be a trans element to your fixation. But at the same time, I think because of how long your cross-dressing has taken to reach it's current level, you seem much more into it as it's own element to your normal male life, even with your increasing feminine personality, rather than as a sign that you feel like a woman who was given the wrong body at birth. Some people may still make the transition because they feel more at home living as a woman rather than a man, or vice verse. But based on what you've described, I don't feel that you are truly trans.

    I do, however, think there is a concern that you may not be balancing your life the best way. Your cross-dressing seems to have become almost an intrusive daily habit rather than a hobby or something of that nature. Plenty of cross-dressers do it daily as a full on life-style, in which case, you would need to seriously ask yourself if that's what you might want to start doing. If not, then I feel that if you want to live a more balanced and stable life, you should re-evaluate why you need the cross-dressing in your life, and whether or not it is THIS important to you. Because there are ways to dress more feminine that don't take things all the way, which could serve as a daily fashion statement. That's actually what I'm aiming to do: dress in a more form-fitting feminine way on a day to day basis, but then pick special events or venues to visit on occasion that are more accommodating to a full drag ensemble, like a night-club, a party, or a convention center.

    I've had a fixation about cross-dressing since I was about 14 as well, but I never got to the actual stage of dressing in underwear or dresses or fake boobs and such. I wanted to get breast forms at some point and buy some dresses, which I might still do. But I think I've grown to love the androgyny angle of my femininity much more now than wanting to affect the complete visage of a womanly figure and appearance, if you know what I mean. I also find myself acting much more loose and gestural like a flamboyant gay man or some women might, and that's because that's always felt more natural to me, it just never manifested in my daily actions until the past few months.

    Do I consider myself trans? No. I love my body and I'm going to work to make it more slender and feminine, but I would never want to go through surgery of any kind. However, I do act rather feminine and soft for a guy, and I'd like to be in a relationship where I can fill the more feminine role because that's where I feel the most comfortable. And I have come to understand that while I'm not exactly Bisexual--I am more Gay--in a broader sense, I am attracted to masculinity in all humans, be they male, female, or trans of either.

    As for your current relationship complications of late, I don't think I can be of much help there. I know it all feels quite confusing as your needs seem stretched between two realms, as bisexual people can experience. So there are some things you may have to work through and change about your life in order for it to work best for you and how you have felt across these past few decades.

    I wish you the best.
     
    #3 MisterMissy, Mar 3, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2017
  4. Lacie1

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    Thanks for the great feedback. Yes it's pretty difficult for me right now. I swear just this past year alone something has changed with me. I have always hidden things and been scared to death of anyone knowing about this side of me. But lately I feel like I want to tell people. A couple weeks ago I even came out to my aunt. My mother is an absolute no go. She's way too conservative and set in her ways to handle it. So the next best thing was to tell my Aunt who was very accepting and made me feel good about things. She even offered to go shopping with me:slight_smile: I guess I'll just have to see where things go. But right now I am a mixed up individual. I just wish I new if I was a transgender or not. Maybe in the future there will be a genetic DNA test that answers that question definitively. Thanks again.