So I think I'm bisexual, like 90% sure, but I'm super terrified about it. Like I constantly question whether I like all my friends now. I have one friend and I'm afraid I might like her. Like I think she's pretty and I think I would enjoy kissing her, like I wouldn't mind trying it. And she's really cool, she has lots of friends and goes to all these parties while although I have friends, I don't have a ton or a huge social life but I really want to go to a crazy high school party and hang out with her and her friends because they do and they sound like so much fun. I ask her to hang out sometimes but she never asks me, and so I get a bit jealous sometimes when I see on her social media that she's hanging out with other friends and didn't invite me. But I never actually stay angry or anything cuz that's petty. Now she wants to apply to where I work which would be fun but part of me doesn't want her to just because she's gonna be in carry out and I've wanted to work in carryout FOREVER because u get to talk to other people but while hosting I'm alone. And it sucks seeing my friends at work talking to eachother while I'm alone at my stand and I feel like it would be even worse then cuz she would be there and I'd be stuck all alone. But for some reason that makes me really disappointed. Like I get jealous when I see her with other friends but I don't get jealous of her boyfriend. I'm actually friends with him too and I think they're really good together. And like when she ever needs help with people spreading drama about them I always help because she's always been SO good to me and she helped me so much when my ex bf broke my heart. Ironically I hated her for the longest time because my best friend who I was in love with chose her, but after he hurt her I became her friend. Sometimes at the time I felt slightly attracted to her but nothing major. Now idk. I like texting her for long periods of time which is unusual for me unless we're really good friends or I like the person. But idk cuz normally when I like someone I'm jealous of their significant other or crush which I'm not of hers, and I don't usually think about her a lot when she's not around or fantasize about her like when I like someone. But is the jealousy of her with other friends and me being protective of her a sign that I secretly like her? Please help I hope I don't like her because that would be so awkward and I don't wanna like a girl especially a straight friend.
Many people have gone through what your going through, including me. I found that it really helped when you actually come out to the person that you like, because it might turn out your friend might be bi also. Even if they have said they are straight you would be surprised how many people are bisexual. Coming out to her might break the tension and sort out a few of your feelings. If you have another close friend, you might want to tell them about this and have them keep you distracted. Chances are you need to meet another girl. We all want people we cannot have, so if you come out to her it will take away the intrigue.
It does sound at times like you have a crush on her...and yes that feeling sucks and there can be a lot of awkwardness and shame but it's something that most girls that are attracted to the same sex go through eventually. On the other hand it could simply be jealousy because of your friendship. After all friendship is also a form of "love" and it hurts when you have the feeling that some aspects of it might be one sided. Both options aren't contradictions with finding her physically attractive or still liking her boyfriend. I think your best bet is trying not to feel bad about feeling that way-it's not your fault after all, you can't control how you feel- and maybe trying to form crushes on other people and hoping it will go away. I wouldn't actually tell another friend about your feelings because word of it might get to her and stuff like that makes friendships...awkward.
